Freak Out

Source: evangelicaloutpost.com via Jaborandi on Pinterest

Today was a bit disconcerting. Let me preface by saying that S has preschool Tuesday and Thursday mornings. When I dropped S off at preschool this morning, her teacher said, "Hey, S, we missed you Thursday!" Then to me, "Was she not feeling well?"

. . . I'm sorry, what? She was at school Thursday, wasn't she? Um, apparently not. The teacher handed me the worksheets they had done that day for her to take home. Thank God S's teacher has been my best friend for 25 years and didn't think I was a total nut job for not realizing I hadn't brought my daughter to school.

I searched my mind frantically to figure out why S would have been gone. I'd had an interview that day, so I took the girls to my parents' house, but I could swear they only had Baby R.

When I left the preschool, I called my dad to confirm. Of course, he and Mom have no idea what they did yesterday, much less last week. So I looked at my calendar when I got home. When I did, I realized why it took me a week to post anything, and I felt slightly less guilty about why I couldn't remember the exact details of that day:

Tuesday

My dad had cataract surgery, and my mom can't drive anymore, so I needed to take him. Baby R went with us, and S had stayed late at school until I was able to pick her up.

Wednesday

Took dad to his follow up appt that lasted over an hour, even though time with the doc was less than 5 min.

Thursday

I had my second/third round interviews with a place in the morning. I was sure I had taken S to school and left Baby R with Mom and Dad? Where else could she have been? That evening S had a tantrum when I told her it was time to go inside for supper. She threw her scooter and it knocked her bicycle over causing the handlebar to hit just below her eye, scaring me to death that she'd poked it out. Once I knew she wasn't blind, I tossed her at my poor husband and left for the movies. (Cause that's how awesome and loving I am.) I had passes to a Nielsen screening for the new Adam Sandler movie "That's My Boy." I'm not allowed to comment on it yet, but when I am? You will definitely be hearing my opinion.

Friday

Kindergarten round-up. I wasn't as weepy as I thought I'd be. S did great! She didn't even panic when she and her best friend were put in separate groups. HUGE relief.

Saturday

Baby R and I cleaned the house while DH took S to Lawrence to watch the KU baseball game. We hosted a watch party for the Final Four that night - Rock Chalk! Undeservedly Shockingly, KU won!

Sunday

After church, we came home, had lunch, and then I took S to a bday party on the other side of town. It was a cool place, but we were gone ALL. DAY. Didn't get home until 6:30pm. And poor S was really struggling with her allergies. Her eyes are all red and puffy. I keep telling her not to rub them, but come on - she's 4.

Monday

Dad had been sick with a fever Friday and just had no energy through the weekend. He had asked me if I could take Mom to the store. Monday morning when I called Dad to say we were on our way over, he said he needed me to take him to the hospital or the doctor's instead since he was too weak to drive.

For those of you not living in the midwest, it was in the upper 80's, low 90's the last 3-4 days. I realize it's hard to break down and turn on the AC in March/April, but we walked into my parents' house and almost melted. They had a box fan running, but it was doing nothing to cool down the room, much less the whole house. I told Dad he needed to turn it on, he said he was going to but he needed to go downstairs to fiddle with something. I asked him why? He should just be able to change the thermostat. He said he thought when they had their new furnace and thermostat installed in February, they guy told him there was something extra that needed to be done to get the air going. I tried the thermostat. Nothing happened. No click. So he called the HVAC place to find out if there really was something special that needed to be done. There wasn't, but the woman told me to check that the unit outside was on and that the breaker didn't need to be reset. Done and done. Still nothing. She said they didn't have an opening until Wednesday, but if there was a cancellation, she'd let us know.

We all headed to the doctor's office, and the PA said his fatigue could be a sign of pneumonia even though he didn't have any other symptoms, so they did a chest x-ray. I mentioned his low hemoglobin problem from a few years ago, so they also did a blood draw. His lungs were clear, but there was a mass below his ribs they wanted to check out, so they told him they would schedule a CAT scan. The hemoglobin count came back slightly low - 10.5, but not enough to be creating such a dramatic state of fatigue. And he said it felt different than when that happened.

The HVAC place called and had a cancellation and could be there between 2-4pm. So I took them back to our house until then so they could stay cool. I put the girls down for naps - only Dad and Baby R slept, though. I went back to my parents' house to meet the HVAC guy and it turned out to just be a loose wire in the thermostat. Luckily, since they had installed it with the furnace, there was no charge.

When I got back to the house, Dad was awake and feeling much better. I told him he probably had been too hot, and that's why he felt so crappy. While we were waiting for Baby R to wake up so I could take them back home, the cable went out. Oy. About then, DH got home from his first day at his new job. YAY!!! He was immediately trying to find out about the cable since the NCAA championship game was on that night. We knew a couple of other people with issues and they had been told they would be resolved in an hour or so - plenty of time before the game.

About 20 minutes til game time, the cable still wasn't working. So I told DH he could go to his best friend's house a few blocks away. He called the cable company and told them it was crap that it wasn't fixed yet, and we had to pay to watch it online when we already get internet service through them. So they comped us. I could have tried to stream it, but all the Facebook updates were depressing. Finally a friend said I should try to watch the TV without the cable plugged in since it was on a local channel.

DUH.

I did. It worked. It was very fuzzy, but it worked. Unfortunately KU was even fuzzier, and unable to make it happen, so Kentucky became the national champion. I can't complain. KU played terribly the entire tournament. I was shocked they got as far as they did. Not bad for a rebuilding year. Love my Jayhawks.

When DH got home he called the cable company and was very nice but firm about them needing to fix the problem. After awhile, he less nice and firmer about it. That's why we make such a good team! He's so good at that stuff.

Today

DH asked me if I had gone to the basement yesterday and turned off the booster that the cable guy had installed at his last visit. I had gone to the basement, but all I had done was...  Oh. THAT's what the black box attached to the lightbulb was. I had pulled the string two or three times and the light never came one. Apparently I had been the cause of the cable FUBAR. Sorry... ahem....

After panicking about my memory lapse regarding S and preschool to my sister and one other friend, I finally remembered what happened on Thursday. (Hallelujah! I've held Mom's dementia at bay for a little while longer.) I had my interview in the morning. But DH had an interview in the afternoon. So he took the day off. I had originally asked my parents to watch the girls but told them never mind when I found out DH would be home. He was supposed to take S to school while I was getting ready. But since he's never in charge of that, he didn't remember to do it. And I should have reminded him, but I was focused on prepping for the interview. And having him home felt like Saturday, so I just completely spaced off that S had school. Ok, maybe the dementia's not that far away after all...

Lamentations of a Working Mother

Bright pink chalk handprint on the hip of my black dress pants

Photos and artwork blanket my office

Crying on the way to work after spending a long weekend together

Rushing home over lunch to have a few extra moments with the girls

Constantly recalculating the cost of living and the cost of loving


S says she wishes she was sick so I could stay home with her

At drop-off, she cries and says she wants to go home

She sees things I wouldn't let her see at home

She does things I wouldn't let her do at home

She eats things I wouldn't let her eat at home

Thankful for the care providers, knowing they are great

But nothing is as good as mom


Grabbing a banana and granola bar to eat for breakfast at the office 

Needing to workout but not willing to spend another hour away from them

Dreaming of whipping up healthy homemade organic creations

Throwing another frozen pizza/chicken nuggets in the oven for supper

Using food prep time for cuddle and play time instead


Tripping over piles of dirty clothes that spilled out of the hamper

Lamenting the dusty ceiling fan as it spins above me in bed

If only I was at home I could

Have a clean house

Have the laundry done

Have dinner on the table when DH came home at night

Have happy children


Knowing that being home wouldn't solve all those problems

Feeling guilty just the same

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Invisible Woman

Sometimes I feel like I could disappear, and no one would notice.

At work this week, a colleague asked if he should make a phone call to a vendor I was having trouble with. I said no. He said he didn't mind. I explained why I didn't want him to make the call. I specifically went of my way to iterate how important it was to me for him NOT to make the call. Less than five minutes after I left his desk, he made the call.

I felt myself beginning to fade...

Last night my summer volleyball league started, the only extra-curricular activity I'm partaking in this year since we are trying to save money. I had told DH several weeks ago when the start date was. I sent him an email on Monday outlining the activities for the week for the whole family - including my volleyball date and time. Yesterday he called and asked when I would be home from work because he needed to go get the meat for a catering job he's doing this weekend. I reminded him that I would be home for a few minutes before volleyball, but then I wouldn't be back until after the girls were in bed. He said he didn't know I had volleyball that night, that I had never told him about it, and he was annoyed with me.

Fading...

This morning I was trying to get the girls ready for the day, and I asked S to put her clothes on. I handed her underwear to her while we were still in my bedroom. I finished getting dressed and got Baby R ready, and saw S still nude, lying on my bed.

Fading...

I asked her to put her underwear on again. We headed downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. She started chasing her sister around the house. I asked her to stop running. She kept going.

Fading...

I finally had to physically take hold of her to get her to stop, and again asked her to put her underwear on, handing her a dress to wear as well. I calmly told her if she didn't get dressed and sit down, she wouldn't get to have breakfast before we left. She ignored me again.

Fading...

No breakfast. She threw a tantrum, naked. I threw a tantrum.

Gone


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Tsunami

So the last week has been a figurative tsunami in my life while a literal one has been happening in Japan. Along with a nuclear leak, they are suffering so greatly right now, that my troubles can't compare in any way. But because of that, I haven't been able to post.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. I left the house for my parents' just like we do every Thursday morning, but preschool is on spring break so S was there for the whole day. She's such a sweet, wonderful girl. But she's become so defiant and sassy over the last week or so. She refuses to mind me. I've tried everything - time-out, taking away privileges, giving rewards, positive reinforcement, spanking, Love & Logic. Nothing seems to work. She usually takes a blanket and pillow with her to daycare/my parents' house. Yesterday morning I asked her to bring them downstairs. She wouldn't. So I grabbed them (because not doing so would have been more punishment for my parents than for her) and we left. 

We got to my parents' house, and she said she wanted a different blanket. I told her I was sorry, but I didn't know that. If she had gotten the blankets like I'd asked, we would have brought the right one. She wanted me to go home and get it. I refused. She threw a huge fit. I had to stay an extra 15 min to try to get her calmed down before I left. Then she started up again when I was leaving. She was trying to stall me, so I just left. She had an even bigger fit and my dad called 30 min later to tell me I had to come get them because neither of them would stop screaming.

I was so frustrated. I got there and I told S to get in the car. I was short with them and then my mom told me I need to get my priorities straight because the girls need me. I know they do, but I have to work. I want nothing more than to stay home with them, but I can't. I don't know what to do. And the worst part is, I was arguing with my parents in front of the girls and we were all crying. That's the last thing I needed them to see. So we went home, and I felt like S thinks she can just be awful to my parents, and I'll come get her.

I spent most of the day yesterday crying. I am not the mom I want to be. I feel like I struggle with that enough on my own, but to know that my mom thinks I'm not doing it well was tough to take. But she's right to a certain extent. I have had to work "late" the last couple of weeks (ie, on time, since I'd been leaving early the last few months while we were slow), so when I get home at night, I feed them, bathe them and throw them in bed. It's a chore, it's not a joy, and we don't have fun.

After talking with some friends yesterday, I think it's partially a phase, and partially they are acting out because I'm not spending any "quality" time with them. I do need to slow down in the evenings and enjoy them.

All that to say that that's an even greater reason I am falling behind with blogging, and especially with my creative writing. For now.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Build & Grow Music Box

Saturday was crazy busy. DH took S to Lowe's for the "Build and Grow" project. I LOVE that they have this special Daddy/daughter activity. This week they made a music box with a heart-shaped lid. While they were gone, Baby R took a much needed nap. She was up from midnight to 3am Thursday AND Friday night. She'd been constipated the first night (only took me 3 hours to figure it out!), but I had no idea what was going on the second night. Usually I would take advantage of that time to nap, too, but I had too much to do. Three of my friends had babies last week - holy love-making in May, Batman! - and I was scheduled to bring dinner to one of them that day. I texted to see when would be a good time since I wasn't sure if they'd gotten home from the hospital yet. They hadn't. So we rescheduled - whew! That afternoon we went to our nephew's bday party (13 - YIKES!). That night I went out with some of the SPC girls.

(I need to do a separate post about the origins of SPC and some of our shenanigans, but for now, suffice it to say that for most of my 20's, there were about 30-40 of us who were single and hung out, playing sports together, going to happy hours, hosting weekend keggers, going on camping/skiiing/trips around the world together, so we dubbed ourselves the Social Planning Committee. We had an interactive website and everything long before Facebook. Yeah, we were cool.)

Anyway, one of the girls from that group planned a Girls Night Out. We had snacks and drinks at her house and played "Just Dance" on the Wii which was hilarious. One of the songs was by Fatboy Slim and the routine had kind of a tribal vibe. It reminded us of the African Anteater Ritual from "Can't Buy Me Love". (That's still how I think of Patrick Dempsey, as Ronald Miller, not McDreamy.) Anyway, one of the guys from our gang was kind enough to be the sober driver for us and took us to a bar nearby, Touché.

Now, I have to explain a bit about this bar. Here's a description taken straight from their website: "Geared towards the middle aged crowd that grew up with the fabulous music of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, Touché is an upscale night club located in..." Middle aged is an incredibly nice way to put it. The bulk of the patrons didn't grow up in the 60's, 70's and 80's; they ARE in their 60's, 70's and 80's. Maybe a third of the people there were between 40 and 60. And then there were about a dozen who were under 40 (6 of them were us). We went there purely for the joy of people-watching. Most of the ladies wore full-sequined gowns. A few had on tube tops and mini-skirts. One was wearing a denim mini-skirt that had red hearts on the buns, and a shirt with hearts on it that lit up. True story. I can't make this craziness up. And the dancing, well. Everything from inappropriate touching and grinding to stiff-framed arms.

Only a few of us had been there before. It's a membership club, and the girl who planned the night actually has a membership. OMG.

My favorite quotes from the night:

"When you said it was a bar for old people, I thought you meant old like us. Not old like old."

"It's like 'Cocoon' in here!"

("Erotic City" by Prince came on. Several of us did the SQUEAL! I LOVE THIS SONG! as we scrambled out to the dance floor.)
Friend S: "I don't know this song."
Me: "Ok, now I feel like I'm old enough to belong here." (Which, sadly after reading the blurb from the website, I guess technically I do.)

Sunday morning, DH let me sleep in, made me breakfast in bed, did laundry AND dusted the office. I could not have felt more blessed. I went to the second part of the meeting at church about what they believe and how things work, and I was thrilled to hear all the things I had hoped to hear. That will be my new church home. YAY!

After church, we had lunch, and put the girls down for naps. Baby R only slept for about an hour and a half (boo), and S never did go to sleep (double boo). After dinner we went for a walk since it's FINALLY nice enough to go outside again. And poor Baby R tripped and fell, not once, not twice, but three times. Scratched up her nose, cheek and forehead. I'm a terrible mother. But she didn't want to ride in the wagon; she wanted to keep walking. Hopefully it taught her to catch herself with her hands and not her face.

When she was crying, I saw that she has gotten two molars in! That explains the sleepless nights last week. It didn't even occur to me that she might be teething; she wasn't gnawing on stuff like she usually does. And molars? She's only got 6 teeth for crying out loud! I know they can come in in any order after the first two, but it surprised me. Bad mommy again! I could have at least given her some ibuprofen if I'd realized.

Gifts From My Valentine

Today is Valentine's Day. DH got me a dozen red roses, a box of chocolates and a heart-shaped cookie. He got S a rose and a cookie as well, and Baby R a rose. So sweet. He put theirs in single-stem vases and put them in their bedrooms.

Tonight at bedtime, S told me she wants to get lots and lots of dogs. I asked her how many and she said 11.

Eleven? Wow, what are you going to name them?

Flower, Flower, Flower. (Clearly looking right at the rose from Daddy.)

They're all going to be named the same, huh?

And Shelf. (Looking at the shelf.)

Shelf, huh? So 10 Flowers and 1 Shelf?

Yep. He will be grey, and we will paint him pink! (The shelf was another Lowe's project she and Daddy did. When they brought it home, they painted it pink.) But just his face. He's gonna fight it.

I'm sure he will if you try to paint him!

Well, maybe we'll only paint his tail.

I see.

And his pee.

(????) You're going to paint his pee pink?

Yeah, he will have to go pee. (whispers secretively) And poop.

Yes, he will. Everybody poops, right?

Yeah.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I often lament how much I wish I could be a full-time SAHM. There are lots of reasons why. I was blessed to have a mom who was able to stay home with us until we were in middle school. She took care of me when I was sick, taught me how to read before I started kindergarten (I didn't attend preschool), encouraged my imagination, redirected my energy into positive channels. I really feel like kids should be able to sleep in in the summer, play outside all day, and have the freedom to experience boredom.

That said, the decisions I've made in certain areas have required that I work full-time. I've made peace with that, for the most part, even though my feelings about it haven't changed. I have friends who say they could never stay home with their kids all day; it would make them crazy. I could never understand that. I get that you need a break. I get that you need adult interaction from time to time, and I can see how maybe a part-time job, mother's day out or volunteering would be something I'd want to be involved in if I was a SAHM. But if I were to prefer to spend 40 hours a week away from my kids, I would have to seriously wonder why I bothered to have them?

Weekends are difficult because I need to do things like laundry, shopping and cleaning, but I just want to spend time with my kids. I have let a lot of things slide around the house and tried not to feel too badly about it. For the most part, it's ok. I still have mom guilt, but my SAHM friends tell me that they have it, too - it seems to just a part of being a mom no matter what your full-time job is. It's impossible to cram a week's worth of "quality time" into a weekend though, so there are inevitable pitfalls such as overscheduling or frustration when plans don't go well or days when the kids are just whiny. It's never the perfect bonding time you hope for, but that's ok - that's real life.

But today, today was just awful. Today, for the first time, I thought maybe it's good that I'm not a SAHM; I just didn't feel like I was cut out for it. I was tired; S wet the bed in the middle of the night, so I was up with her for that, and then R woke up at 6am and wouldn't go back to bed for me; thankfully DH got up with her and got her a snack, but S heard the commotion, so I had to get her back to sleep again, too. Me being sleepy isn't all that unusual (if you'll notice, the subject with the third greatest number of labels on my blog is "sleeping"). But I was also incredibly cranky - I'm sure part of it is PMS, and part of it is PCC (Pre-Christmas Chaos). I actually made it to church today, so I would have thought I'd be in a really good mood (that's usually the effect it has on me). But S was pushing my buttons from the start - even in church.

It was like that at the grocery store, too. And when we got home for lunch. Every thing I told her, she did the opposite or ignored. I just didn't have the patience for it today. And I let my temper get the best of me 3 or 4 times. I had hoped to take a nap when the girls did and have the energy to do all I needed to do this afternoon, as well as be in a better mood. But S wouldn't nap. Nor would she do as I ask and play quietly in her room. So I did not sleep.

We had playdate dinner plans. I considered not going; DH also suggested I just skip it. But I thought maybe if I got us out of the house and around other people, I could shake off this funk. Plus, if the kids ran around and wore each other out, bedtime might be easier. Unfortunately, it was worse. S was too tired, and we were late getting home. So it was a nightmare. S threw a tantrum and woke Baby R up. I couldn't get her back to sleep. DH finally had better luck. I was so angry. I knew I was being unreasonable; S was just tired and needed extra TLC, but I couldn't give it to her. All I could think all day was maybe it's better that I'm not with them all day during the week. Awful!

So I'm heading to bed feeling spent and guilty and unproductive. Here's hoping to a better tomorrow.

I Am Not A Baby!

I think when we were watching S grow, we noticed the nuances because all our attention was focused on her. With Baby R, our time and attention are divided, and so while I noted that she's started shaking her head "no", fully walking, saying new words like "sock" and "kitty", and freaking out when she saw Santa, I silently checked those off in my head without relishing each moment. And in the last week, it's as if she's been trying to get my attention to say, "I am not a baby anymore! I'm a toddler, dang it!" She's hit the independent stage where she wants to do it all herself. She wants to purely self-feed - "I don't need or want your help, Mommy." She fights being buckled into her car seat; she asserts herself when playing with toys instead of letting Sissy take them away without a fight. I am proud of her and excited to see this shift, but I'm also sad to see the baby-stage end.

At Bunko last night, a friend brought her 3.5 week old baby girl. So precious. So tiny. So... quiet. It was nice snuggling with her and soaking in her baby-ness, but I was surprised that I didn't feel the usual urge to have another that tends to happen when I'm around newborns. We are still debating having a third baby. I was really thinking we would in a year or two. But after last night, I felt content with having two. And I don't want a third to feel even more neglected - I struggle with splitting my attention between two as it is. The possibility of three is still on the table, but I would be happy if things stayed as they are, too.

Especially when I think about how our nights have been the last week. Ugh! Baby R is having a growth spurt. Sunday she ate every hour. And not just a tiny snack. An entire banana. A whole serving of yogurt. A full string cheese. Every hour! She would toddle over to the refrigerator and pull on the handles. She inevitably woke up in the middle of the night. She pointed to her door. I knew she was hungry. I also knew she wanted yogurt. I took her downstairs to the kitchen, put her in her highchair, and got a container out of the fridge. I even gave her her own spoon and some Cheerios on the tray to distract her while I fed her. I loaded the baby spoon, and directed it toward her mouth, hopeful that she was tired enough to not fight it. Nope. She wanted to feed herself. She squealed, turned her head and flapped her little arms in frustration. I retracted the spoon. Spoke to her soothingly, and tried again. Same reaction.

I'm all for letting toddlers learn to self-feed. The sooner, the better. But we just started when she turned 1 a month ago. She's at the point that she can dip the spoon in yogurt and lick it off. But she doesn't get much, so she usually puts her whole hand in and sucks the yogurt off. Inevitably, it drips down to her shirt (the bib went by the wayside a long time ago). Then at some point she manages to get it in her hair. So my approach is to strip her down and let her feed herself half-naked before bath time.  It works great for dinner. Not so much in the middle of the night.

So I tried one more time. Then I told her she could either let me feed her, or she could go back to bed. So back to bed she went, screaming. I told DH what had happened and if he wanted to try in a few minutes, he could. After about 10 minutes of her not settling down, he took her back downstairs. I heard the screams and smiled wryly to myself. So back to her crib she went. I knew it was for her own good, and she would be fine, but it still breaks my heart to hear my babies cry. So here's my Motherhood Confession for WMW: I had to head downstairs and turn on the TV for an hour til she was sound asleep. I wussed out. I left my DH upstairs to listen to her scream and make sure she didn't really need our help (like getting an appendage stuck in the crib bars). I am a wimpy mean mommy; I enforce the rule, then run away.  But I say, whatever it takes to make it happen. Last night. No middle of the night feeding. First night I can remember when I slept UNINTERRUPTED ALL NIGHT. If only I hadn't had a cough that woke me half a dozen times. Sigh.

Joke of the Day

Did you hear the one about a crazy woman and a deaf woman driving on perpendicular streets? The crazy woman tries to turn left in front of the deaf woman, and WHAM! Totals her car.
Where's the punchline???

Sadly, there isn't one. Yesterday morning I was taking Baby R to my in-laws and S to preschool before I stopped to vote on my way to work. I decided to take a shortcut. Unfortunately, the main road it led to was a parking lot as traffic had been diverted from the highway because of an accident. I was trying to turn left, the car directly across from me was trying to turn left, and the car to my left was trying to turn left. All of us had to weave our way through the solid line of cars on the eastbound side of the road. I looked left and there were no cars coming, so I eased out and tried to figure out how I could make my way around the other left-turners since the hole the line of cars made wasn't flush with the intersection. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a car coming right at us. I had just enough time to suck in my breath and tense up before the crash. My car spun 90 degrees and the air bags blew.

Silence.

My car. :(

All I could think about were my babies.  I was gripping the steering wheel and saw the powder from the air bag squirt out. Briefly I thought that I should move because I knew it could cause chemical burns. Then Baby R started crying, and I asked S if she was ok. She said yes, but said, "Mommy, your car's broken. Your car's broken!" She was starting to get hysterical. I was shaking but knew I had to pull it together for the girls. "It's ok, baby," I said. "As long as you're not hurt, I'm not worried about the car."

I sat there unsure what to do. I'm not wholly unfamiliar with car accidents, though I'd like to say I was. But I'd never been in anything more than a fender bender. I was always able to drive away. There was no driving my car yesterday. How had I not seen that car coming? I had looked. I remembered exactly what the street looked like and there was no car there. It literally came out of nowhere. After a minute or so a woman approached my car. She was a kind bystander offering her help. I tried to open the door, but it was stuck. I finally was able to push it open far enough to squeeze out. The woman from the other car had gotten out, too, and seemed unharmed. I did exactly what you're NOT supposed to do. "I'm so sorry," I gushed. "It was completely my fault."

"I'm deaf," she mouthed to me.

Holy crap. What kind of evil person crashes into a deaf woman? "I'm so sorry," I said, again looking directly at her so she could see my lips. "Are you ok?"

She nodded her head yes, and asked if I needed help with the girls. The other woman was trying to get Baby R out. Suddenly I had a moment of clarity which resulted in embarrassment as they looked at S who was wrapped up in her quilt. "Oh, uh, hang on. I need to get her dressed still." So there in the middle of a busy road during rush hour with all eyes on us as a scene of an accident, I frantically tried to get my 3-year-old dressed in 45 degree weather. Never mind that they don't know that she refuses to wear clothes until the very last second so ends up thrown in the car in her underwear most days. I just look like an irresponsible mother on top of being evil for crashing into a deaf woman. Fantastic!

The other woman was trying to bounce Baby R in her infant car seat to soothe her. I looked over and realized she's covered in snot. She's had a cold for 3 1/2 weeks. I took her back to the doctor Monday because the neighbor's son was diagnosed with croup, and I felt like her phlegmy cough was getting tighter. Nope, ears were clear, lungs sounded fine;  just wait it out. Sure, easy for them to say. They don't have an accident with her in the car the next day coated in mucous for everyone to see. I'm sure this woman was thinking, "Ever heard of Kleenex, lady?"

I called 911 and the dispatcher said someone had already called it in and an officer was on his way. She asked if we could move our cars and I told her no, so she said she'd send a tow truck, too. I called my dad and asked him to come get the girls. I called my father-in-law to tell him I wasn't bringing them over right then. I called work to tell them that I was going to be late. I called preschool to say that S may or may not be in later. I started gathering the things I needed to get out of the car right then. (Upside to wrecking my car - I finally cleaned it out later that afternoon at the tow lot.) Another good Samaritan had seen I had a baby in the car and offered to bring us a blanket. I already had one, but told her thank you for stopping.

The policeman arrived at the same time as my dad. I got the girls passed to him and started to dig out my driver's license and insurance and registration. At this point, I realized that my right hand was really hurting. There was a red mark from my thumb knuckle across the back of my hand to my wrist where the air bag powder had landed. The officer asked if anyone was hurt and I told him no, I just had a burn from the air bags. The other woman had a sore knee where she'd bumped it, but that was it. He asked if the girls had been in their carseats. I told him yes. Everyone was in agreement that that was the important thing, the girls were ok. I nodded and bit my lip, but I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I buried my face in my purse pretending to look for my ID until I could get it together again.

It's kind of hard to see, but this is the burn on my hand from the air bag.

I found my insurance card. It expired last week. $#!@. I knew we must have gotten new cards in the mail, and we just hadn't put them in our wallets yet.  So I got a ticket for that which will be thrown out when I take my updated card to the courthouse, but what a pain. The policeman asked me what happened, and I told him. He asked me if any environmental factors contributed to the accident like the sunlight. This will totally sound like I used it as an out, but it made perfect sense. I swear I looked and there were no cars coming. But the car that hit me was black and coming from the east, and the sun was just above the roof of the houses so it was blindingly bright, and below it was dark shadows. It made me feel better to realize that's probably why I didn't see it.

The tow truck guy came and asked us where we wanted the cars towed. Uhhhhh....he suggested their lot and the insurance adjusters could come look at the damage there, and then we could decide where to take our vehicles for repairs. (Though he thought mine was probably totaled due to the air bags having deployed and the state of the axle/frame as seen in the photo below. Awesome.) Sure, fine. I called my dad to tell him he could come back for me. He still hadn't made it to their house yet, traffic was so bad. He'd heard there were a dozen or so accidents that morning. What the...? No problem. I called my father-in-law. He was kind enough to come get me.

At least the tire doesn't look damaged....

The officer had us move to the other side of the street from where I'd started out. The other woman's daughter arrived to pick her up. I heard someone call my name. A guy I used to work with had seen me. Grreeeaaat. I LOVE running into people I know when I do stupid stuff. Thankfully, he's a really cool guy. He came over to see how I was, and we chatted for a bit, and he offered to give me a ride, but I told him my FIL was on his way. Then the officer came to give me my $90 ticket for failing to yield. Perfect.

My father-in-law arrived then and asked me where I was having my car towed. I told him just the tow lot. He asked me how much they charged since he'd heard of people getting scammed for $100/day. Yikes! I didn't know, so I asked the guy and he said $20/day. Whew. That's more reasonable, I guess, though charging people anything for this kind of thing seems like highway robbery! It's like weddings, they can charge more because you NEED them. Pfft.

We got to my parents' house, and we decided the girls would just stay there that day since my FIL didn't have car seats. My hand was killing me by this point, so I got on-line and looked up what I was supposed to do to treat it. Rinse it immediately in cold water for 20 minutes. Hmmmm. It had been about an hour since the accident, but I rinsed it anyway. Don't use ice, but a cool, damp cloth and take acetaminophen. So I wrapped it in a washcloth, and Dad and I took S to preschool, and I called the insurance company. By the time we were back at my parents' house, they had set up a rental car for me.

My hand was hurting even more, so I decided to call the Ask-A-Nurse hotline. They didn't know what chemicals were used in the air bags, so they couldn't dispense accurate advice. They suggested calling poison control. The woman there (also named Jennifer, shocker) told me to try zinc oxide ointment. Ok, sounded like a plan. I decided to stop at the pharmacy after I got my car before I headed to the office. My dad took me to Enterprise, but that location didn't have any cars available. It was going to be later in the afternoon before they had any. So Dad took me to Walgreens to get some zinc oxide ointment. I walked back to the pharmacy and asked if someone could help me find any. "Oh, sure it's in the baby aisle." Oh? "Yeah, Desitin." SERIOUSLY? I have an 11-mo-old teething infant. We have 3 tubes of this stuff at home. Sigh. I just left the store and decided to apply some when I got home.

We headed to preschool to pick up S and I couldn't delay it any longer. I called my DH. I had had plenty going on so had a legitimate reason not to call yet, but I was avoiding it, too, because I knew that 1) I would start crying when I heard his voice, and 2) he was NOT going to be happy to hear I had wrecked the better of our two cars. Got that over with and picked up S. She and Dad dropped me off at work since an Enterprise employee could pick me up later to get my rental. The rest of the day was much less interesting.

Oh, I never did end up voting. First time in years I missed it. I decided I will never again take that shortcut. Oh wait - there's the punchline - the street on the shortcut is Twilight. Jinxed by the damn vampires since I was finally convinced to read the stupid books!

The Girls...and My Wonderful Hubby

Ok, really most of this post will be about S, but I have two notes about the other loves of my life I need to include.

First, S. This weekend, she was "stretching" for her "exercises" and had her leg behind her. I told her she was doing a position in ballet known as an attitude. She started walking around kicking her legs in front and in back of her. "Look, Mom, I'm doing a Batman and an attitude." I'm sorry, what?? A Batman? Not sure what that is....

We were talking about drinking juice and how we only have a little bit of juice because it doesn't have as much nutritional value as milk and water. I mentioned that milk is good for your bones. And S piped in, "Yeah, and we hafta drink lotsa water because we don't want to get hydrated." Wow! How does she know about being dehydrated? Must be the sitter or my parents. Good thing that I've put her in such good care when she's away from me. And I'm not sure if it was that same conversation or another where I let her know she had done a good job when she said, "Pretty impressed, aren't you?" Oh my. Note to self - work on teaching her humility.

Today was her first day of preschool!! Aack! Can it really be that she's big enough for school? I'll spare you all the sappy thoughts since I know many of you've been there. I'll just skip to my embarrassing "mom"ment. So I'm blessed to have had a best friend since the 4th grade who lives about half a mile away. She's an amazing mom to 4 girls, two of whom are twins, AND she teaches preschool out of her home. Incredible! Anyway, S is going to her house for school. Which is somewhat confusing as it is because she's supposed to call her Mrs. D, but has always known her as B, so she is confused about why she has to call her a different name. Anyway, pick up time from preschool is 11:30am. I need to leave work at 11:15am. All morning I was thinking about it. Until I wasn't. And suddenly I looked up from my computer (which, by the way, I wasn't even working on, I was reading blogs - yes, I blame all of you!), and it was 11:45am. OMG!!!! I bolted out the door and called my BFF to apologize profusely and let her know I was on my way. Of course, S was the only one left. She wasn't wanting me to leave her that morning, and now I've gone and left her too long. NOOOO!!! Thankfully, she'd warmed up after a bit and was having fun playing with the toys. I felt like the worst mom. And the worst friend!

Ok, enough about that. At dinner tonight she was threading her penne pasta on her fork tines, and I smiled to myself. I remember being little and doing that. I'd forgotten all about it until tonight. Kids are great like that.

Another classic potty moment at bedtime tonight. She was going to the bathroom, and she passed gas, and I said, "Whew! You are stinky!" She looked at me with the most solemn, angelic face, and said, "Yes, Mommy. Jesus made me that way." It took all my physical restraint not to bust a gut. I'm pretty proud of myself for simply replying, "You're right, honey. Jesus did make you." And then she said something that melted my heart. "And he made me pretty." Yes, he sure did. Don't you ever forget that. "And he made Riley's baby bottle. Who built our house?" And we're off to the next train of thought in a preschooler's little mind.

Moving on to the other family members. Baby R tried to start climbing the stairs yesterday. Oh boy - look out!

My parents, bless their hearts, are not the most technically savvy people. I am pretty good with software, and ok with hardware - on a Mac. A PC is all Greek to me. I can make it work to a certain extent, but anything beyond the basics is out of my area of expertise. My DH is a lifesaver. He has helped my parents on more than one occasion when I've been unable to fix their problems. So tonight he bought them a new printer and hooked it up for them. Love that man!

Tempering My Temper

I remember being a kid and having screaming matches with my dad. On the one hand, I was a redhead (It's gotten darker over the years. Not sure I can even call it auburn anymore!), so I sort of wrote it off as being expected. On the other, I always wondered if it was because my dad was impatient, short-tempered and a yeller that it was a learned trait. Don't get me wrong - he's an AMAZING father. But his biggest regrets now are those times he fought with us. He apologizes all the time, so I've been trying really hard not to make the same mistakes. Especially since I thought I could just avoid teaching my kids those habits. Until I had S. I've mentioned it before, but she had her first tantrum at 4 months. So now knowing a lot more of it is innate and that I had managed to outgrow the outbursts (except for rare occasions) has helped me reconcile that part of me that I'm not too fond of.

At least, I thought I'd outgrown them.

I've found over the last few months that I am absolutely awful to S at times. I get so angry that I am shaking and have to walk away from her. I've even told her I have to put myself in time-out. I know part of it is that the last six months, she was 2.5-3 so she was pushing my buttons more, and Baby R was born so I was sleeping less. Certainly a dangerous combination. But lately I feel like Pandora's box has been opened, and I can't put the anger away. I'm set off by the tiniest things, and I overreact to her so often. It kills me to see that I've crushed her little soul. I know that words are more hurtful than anything because you never forget them. I try to bite my tongue and use "I" phrases - "I am very angry right now!" instead of "You are making me crazy!" Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I'm not. She's the most amazing child, and I know that her tenacity and fiery personality will be assets to her. I want to foster the positives and show her how to manipulate that temper into something wonderful. But I feel that I'm failing at doing that.

I know I need to do some things to help my mood - exercise, eat better, get more rest, do meditation/yoga. I need to do those things for more than just my temper, but this may be the biggest motivation I've found so far. Because I want my baby girl to know how much I love her; not think I'm constantly frustrated with her.

"Vacation" Is a Misnomer When Travelling with Small Children

DH and I love Colorado. When I graduated from CSU (go Rams!), I tried to find a job so I could stay out West, but fate brought me back to KC (and my future hubby). He had visited Colorado with his best friend, and that's when he fell in love with the mountains. He is also a fan of familiarity. We never actually discussed where to vacation this year, we just started talking about going to Estes Park again. He said he wanted to stay in the same cabins we were in the last time we were there two years ago. Seriously? The one-room cabin I had to sit in the kitchenette with the lights out, and a flashlight so I could at least do some reading after our 1-year-old went to bed at 7:30pm? The one that had the shower that was so small I was bumping the walls with my elbows when I washed my hair which grossed me out because it didn't look very clean? I don't think so. Anyway, because of his desire to take repeat vacations, and my deep adoration for what I consider to be my second-home state, we have been to Colorado many times. We also tend to make this trip with another couple we are friends with. (Thank you, RB, for finding a MUCH nicer cabin for us to stay in!)

The plan this year, as most years, was to visit some of my friends from school, enjoy some hiking/sightseeing at Rocky Mountain National Park, and DH would get in a round of golf. This year we also had horseback riding and a trip in the gondola to the top of the mountain on our list. We decided to break up the drive out there to make it easier for the girls. I thought S would be ok with the long ride, but poor Baby R is still too young to face forward, but too old to sleep all day, so I envisioned lots of frustration for her. So we took off Monday night after dinner, thinking the girls would be up for a couple of hours, then fall asleep. We'd stop in Hays around 11pm so we could get a decent night's rest, drive to my friend's house just south of Denver on Tuesday, then go the last couple of hours to Estes on Wednesday. Piece of cake!

It was a great plan in theory. We loaded up the car and headed out with high hopes like all vacationers do. Unfortunately, the DVD player broke when we pulled out of our driveway, so we stopped at Best Buy on the way out of town to get a new one. (Personally I, having grown up taking insane road trips - one that encompassed 3,000 miles in 3 weeks - thought we could survive without it, but DH believed it to be a traveling staple.) Then we finally pulled onto the highway, and S said, "Are we there yet?" I had to laugh. Didn't expect her to know that phrase yet, nor did I think it would be uttered at an intersection she sees almost every day. She was having a tough time grasping what a different state of the union was. Still, things were going well for a couple of hours. She had told me the day before that she wanted us to have another baby. I told DH that, and he asked her if she wanted a little brother or a little sister. She said she wanted a "Kiefer". That's her friend's little brother's name. So she wants a brother. Which of course, made DH smile. Then she said three was enough. She likes three. Four is not good. LOL. That way her little sister could play with her little brother. And then around 9pm, she said she wanted to go home. I was completely unprepared for this. I knew it was because she was tired and wanted her bed, but I had no idea what to say. I muttered something about you'll have fun when we get there or something, clearly flailing.

Monday night, S didn't fall asleep until we were 30 minutes from our hotel in Hays, and Baby R never did fall asleep, but screamed the last 45 minutes we were in the car. Once in the hotel, S woke back up. Both kids were crying and fussing and couldn't get to sleep. We were all in one room and they are usually in separate rooms at home. One would settle down to sleep, and the other would start crying. Then that one would start to settle down, and the other one would cry. I wanted to cry myself. It was 12:30am before we all got to sleep.

We woke up the next morning around 7:15am which is a little later than usual, but not late enough given our time line the night before. I noticed that Baby R had had another tooth poke through; now she has both bottom front teeth. We hit the road but had to stop for gas and oil, so didn't leave Hays until around 9am. We went back through Hays around 9:20am. DH had gotten on I-70 going East. I will blame the GPS and thank my limited internal compass combined with knowledge regarding the direction of the sunrise.

The drive to my friend's house in Castle Rock actually went much more smoothly than I expected. Mapquest and the GPS said to take CO-86 through Kiowa, but my friend said it's really rural. I let DH decide, even though I was driving at this point. We took the smaller highway, and it turned out to be a fine choice.

We got to my friend's house around 3pm. It was great to see her and her family. Apparently her husband is into Coke caps as well. :) She has a daughter who is 2.5 so S had fun playing with her. That evening, DH went to Colorado Springs to watch their minor league team, the Sky Sox, play. He even got a game ball that was hit out of the park and landed right in front of him in the parking lot when he went out to the car to get his jacket. Bedtime was rough for S. It was too bright in the spare bedroom, so she couldn't fall asleep. She said she wanted to go home again. Sigh.

Wednesday morning, my friend's husband didn't have to work, so he finally got to meet DH. He had been teasing me that DH didn't exist - in all the years I've known him - since college - they've missed seeing each other. We left their home around 10am and stopped in Denver for a picnic with some of my friends from the dorm (see pic of us on the bench). The girls had fun playing with the kids and DH was wonderful and chatty, bless his heart! After lunch, we hit the road for nap time, though by now I knew it would be unlikely that they would actually sleep, and they didn't. We got to Estes and stopped at Safeway to get some groceries. DH had the LBS (Low Blood Sugar) and was grouchy, and it was about to rain, and the girls were tired and hungry, too, so we rushed and got some basics and headed to the cabin. As we were finishing up dinner, our friends we were vacationing with arrived. We unpacked and got the kiddos ready for bed.

Based on the photos of the cabin that I'd seen online, I had thought our family would take the upstairs bedroom and loft area so Baby R and S could sleep in separate areas, and leave the master bedroom on the main floor for our friends. After we arrived and I did a quick recon, I realized that wasn't the best option because the loft upstairs was completely open to the main floor, and Baby R would not be able to sleep without a wall to block some of the noise. That left the master bedroom. It was a little bigger, so I thought I could fit the Pack N Play by the bed, but was dreading it because I knew we'd be right back to the same problems we'd had when we were in the hotel. I did some creative thinking and ended up putting the Pack N Play in the closet. I sound like a terrible mother - How was your vacation? Lovely!! Our 9-month-old slept in the closet. But it was open to the master bath and there was a door between the bath and the bedroom, so it was like a separate room instead of a closet. Baby sleeping issue solved.

There was a king-size bed in the master, and all three of us could have slept in it, but I was afraid when I got up in the night to care for the baby, I would wake the preschooler. (Still adjusting to calling her that!) So I slept on the couch in the living room. At home, we have room-darkening curtains because S will wake up with the sun. We knew it was unlikely there would be any such thing at the cabin, but planned to throw a blanket over the windows there. Unfortunately, the windows were almost the size of the wall - there was no way we were going to be able to cover them. So we were up at 5:30am almost every morning, and she didn't go to sleep until after 8:30 every night because there was still light out. So....exhausting.... Websters defines a vacation as a "time of respite". Clearly, this was not going to be a vacation.

Anyway, Thursday morning, the boys went golfing. When they came back, all of us went on the gondola ride up the mountain. I was surprised DH wanted to go, because he has a pretty intense fear of heights. As do I, though I have a weird thing where if there's a barrier of some type that is at least waist high, I'm ok with it. Not thrilled mind you, but ok. We both did well on the way up until we were almost at the top and a gust of wind rocked the gondola. DH gripped the hand-holds for dear life, but we both put on a tough act for our kids. I was proud of us. Once there, we walked around a bit, looked through the viewfinder down at the town below, fed some chipmunks and got S her souvenir from the trip - a rock necklace.

That evening while we were outside on the deck, we saw some elk on the golf course behind our cabin. Even though the elk are practically domesticated there and walk right up to people, it's still amazing to see.

Friday morning our family went to RMNP and our friends went on a hike with a guy the boys had met while golfing. When we got to the parking lot for Bear Lake, Baby R was asleep. We decided I would stay in the car with her while DH took S for a little hike. About 100 yards in, she decided she was done. That's not her normal adventurous spirit, but I think she was physically and emotionally drained and didn't have it in her. She continued to say every day that she wanted to go home. I was really surprised. I kept saying, "But aren't you having fun (fill in the blank) playing with the kids/seeing the mountains/hanging out with the family?" And she knew about the hike that day - she kept asking when she was going to get to climb the mountain, so I would tell her she had that to look forward to and the horseback ride. I couldn't believe she didn't want to do the hike. So DH brought her back to the car and returned to the trail alone, and I took the girls for a drive with the plan to meet him back at the trail head in half an hour.

Plans are a funny thing. DH planned to hike for about thirty minutes, so I planned to drive down to the bottom of the mountain and back up again. We got about five minutes away and S said she wanted Daddy. I told her he was hiking and we'd be back. But she was afraid to leave him there. I could sense an imminent tantrum, intuitive mom that I am, so I turned around and went back. Unfortunately, when we got there, a line of cars had formed behind the ranger at the entrance with cones. When we approached, I rolled down my window, and the ranger let me know that the lot was full and I couldn't park there. Hmmmm. I told him I was actually just there to pick up my husband, not to park; I just needed to drive through to see if he was there. I knew full well he wasn't going to be back yet, but I also knew that if we didn't get him, S was potentially going to have a meltdown. What to do? I SLOWLY circled the parking lot and left.

S was watching "Shrek" for the umpteenth time (I cannot tell you how relieved I was that this was the movie she chose when we were at Target before we left town. I told her she could pick out a new movie for the trip, and almost didn't let her get it because I thought it might be too big for her, and suggested Elmo or one of the other more pre-school appropriate options. THANK YOU, GOD, that I did not do that. I actually really like "Shrek". And surprisingly, still do, now that I can recite it verbatim.) Anyway, she was watching the DVD player, but when we drove out of the parking lot without Daddy, she asked concernedly where he was. I braced myself for the fit that was coming when I explained that he was still hiking and we could not wait in the parking lot like I had told her we would. She was a little upset, but I assured her I was going to turn around and go back as soon as I could, just like I had done before, and managed to avoid a complete meltdown that surely would have woken the baby. I drove as slowly as possible. We reached the lot, and joined the queue of cars again. Rolled down my window. "Still looking for my husband," I said to the ranger, sheepishly. It took him a second, and then he remembered me, and waved me through. This third time down the mountain, S fell asleep. Whew! I could finally continue down and head back when it was time. Oh, wait, it's time. So I turned around in the same spot again, and went back up. This time, there was a bus stopped in front of the trail, so I went as slowly as I could by and tried to see around it, but was unable to. I realized how poor an idea this was. What if he came out and couldn't find us and we kept missing each other? Luckily before I started to panic, a ranger flagged me down and gestured that a car was going to be leaving. Sweet! I was relieved to be able to stop circling. As I parked, the girls both woke up. Perfect timing. I decided to get out the stroller and walk up to the trail head to wait for DH. As I was buckling Baby R in, DH walked up. I had to use the restroom, so we put S in the other stroller and headed that way before leaving. It was the most disappointing trip I've ever had at RMNP, but thankfully, I've been there before, and we'll go again when the girls are bigger.

We got back to the cabin and had lunch before nap time, and then it was time for the horseback ride. I stayed at the cabin with Baby R while DH, S, and our friends went. I was looking forward to napping and spending some one-on-one time with my baby. Alas, she woke up about five minutes after they left, so no nap. And after about an hour of bonding, I was ready for a break. Not that she's not infinitely entertaining, but I was so tired from the increased lack of sleep on this trip, I needed some help. I had hoped this "vacation" would result in getting extra rest, but as I've mentioned, that didn't happen.

We had decided to eat dinner out that night (I was very proud of us for making all the rest of our meals), so headed downtown when they returned from the ride. This was a terrible idea. First, because it was late, so everyone was hungry and grouchy, and all the restaurants were busy, even the pizza place we went to where we had to wait half an hour for our food. Second, because we were so late eating, it was past bedtime when we got done, and we weren't at the cabin. We had planned to walk around downtown for a bit after dinner. Third, because S had had a horrific tantrum at the stables and DH had actually asked if he could bring her back another time since he'd already paid and buckled her in her seat belt before giving her one last chance to settle down and being able to go back and ride Bubba Gump. So the emotions were running high. We went to leave the restaurant and S had a meltdown. I was too tired for it, snapped at her, took the keys from DH and took the girls back to the cabin, leaving DH with our friends for a night off. He said he'd take them, but I was worn out, so wanted to go back, put them to bed and have a glass of wine and read my book, "The Strong-Willed Child". Which is what I did. Though I burst into tears when he came back later that night, because I was at my wits end with what to do with her. And then, sweet man that he is, he gave me a chocolate chip cookie he'd bought for me while they were out. God bless him.

Saturday we were scheduled to meet a couple of my sorority sisters for a picnic in Longmont. Our friends we were traveling with had planned to go to RMNP, and since our foray there hadn't really panned out, and DH had been so fabulous about the other picnic I'd dragged him to, I let him off the hook for this one and he went back to the park with our friends. The girls and I left Estes a little early because I had promised S I would take her to Chick Fil A while we were in CO. She loves Chick Fil A. I don't even remember how our conversation about it went, but Monday before we left town, mention was made of it, and since I'd been trying to talk up all the fun things we'd be doing on our trip (she had told me she wanted to stay home by herself while we all went on vacation), I said something about how Chick Fil A was in Colorado. She was so excited that was the first thing she'd told the sitter when we got there that morning. So I set off armed with my Mapquest directions and trusty atlas, and not only found Chick Fil A, but also a poorly marked entrance to the park we were meeting at WITHOUT THE GPS. I realize to my DH that seems like a modern miracle, as he no longer can go to the grocery store down the street without turning it on in case it somehow moved through space to a different location. I jest, but I really don't understand the dependence upon it.

The get together was kind of a mess. Only two of the girls were able to make it, and we weren't the only ones who had a tough time finding the park. But it was still fun to see them. S was excited there were swings at this park. She did have a small tantrum as we were leaving, but overall, she was really good.

That night we just hung out and packed up. Sunday morning as we were loading up the car, a doe and two fawns walked by our drive. S was excited to see them. And as we were driving away, she said, "Mommy, I want to stay in Colorado." I do, too, sweetie.

Heart-broken

So when S was a baby and fell off the bed onto our hardwood floors, and we both cried about it, I swore I would never do such a stupid thing again. I mean, seriously, it's not like I hadn't heard the warnings about not putting babies in such places. There were lots of things with her that I did wrong, and I would tell people and preface it as being a "first-time mom" story. Once I was talking about something I wish I'd done differently with her that I planned to handle better when Baby R arrived, and a woman in my Bunko group said, "Oh, honey. You'll just make different mistakes with the next one." I realized she was right. But I never thought I'd be so dumb as to make the SAME mistakes. Aren't we supposed to learn from them? Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to happen with me.

This morning we were getting ready to leave, and I left the girls on S's bed while I grabbed her toothbrush. I came back in and R was parallel to the edge of the bed. I gasped and she twisted to see me and rolled right off onto the carpet. Luckily, she was at a straight angle, and it was a fairly soft landing; it just startled her. I could see she was fine, so I picked her up, smiled and said something lighthearted like, "Uh-oh! Fall and go boom." Inside I was relieved she was ok and feeling like an idiot for leaving her without adult supervision. So what did I do next? Put them both on my bed so I could vacuum in there before we left. Hello, moron, R just fell off another bed, what makes you think she'll stay on this one?? So she started to reach for something on the nightstand, and my brilliant move was pull the table away so she couldn't reach it. As I was doing so, she put her little hand out to try to grab it, and toppled off the bed - again. This time, headfirst and bending her little neck in an awkward way. I snatched her up and was crying along with her. My poor baby! I don't know what I was thinking. (Clearly, I wasn't.) Sigh....

I was berating myself all morning, and then at lunch I talked to my sister. She was feeling like she deserved the Bad Person of the Year award, too, so we traded stories. She was feeling guilty about our being embarrassed about what our dad does for a living. (He's retired, and now drives prisoners to work-release jobs.) All that did was remind me that I'm not a very good daughter - I need to spend more time playing memory games with our mom and taking her to see other people and to help her find a volunteer job or something. I was able to sidetrack our discussion a bit because yesterday my dad told me that my aunt had called with bad news about mom's family's farm. It's a REALLY long story, but to sum up, my grandmother's will is still in probate 15 years after her death because my mom's sister and brother cannot agree to terms. My mom has given up on it. Anyway, the latest family drama was that my uncle had lost the family farm because he didn't pay the taxes. It's going up for auction. I about started to cry. Not because of the money (though dad thinks it's probably worth 1.5 million, and a quarter of a million should have gone to my mom), but because of family pride and sentimental reasons. My mom is from a VERY small town in Manitoba and her dad was well-respected. He's been gone for thirty years, but the name still carried some weight. We were blessed with the opportunity to take my husband and brother-in-law to visit family there about four years ago so they at least got to see where we grew up visiting. But I always hoped to be able to take our girls there when they got older, and now the farm's gone. Breaks my heart.

Notes

Life has finally settled down for us now that we our housewarming party over the weekend. It was mostly a success. I was exhausted and not ready when it started, but I think everyone enjoyed themselves, and we had fun, so it was fine. So this post is to catch up on a few things I've wanted to make note of the last several weeks but haven't had time.

S has really gotten into making her bed. While I'm sure it will be short-lived, I'm trying to encourage it. It's difficult because we inevitably are running late in the mornings, so that's the one thing I end up skipping. But if we don't make the beds, she says, "It's a mess!"

Something she's been fond of for almost a year is crawling into the pantry and hiding. She started at my parents' house - Dad calls it her office. So when we moved into our house, she was excited to discover we have a pantry now. Ours is a little different and doesn't really have the space for her to sit in it, though, so she's only gotten in it a couple of times. One of those times I was sitting at the kitchen table and she wanted me to get in the pantry with her. I told her, "Oh honey, Mama's too big." She said in a matter-of-fact way, "Get small, Mama!" I told her that's my plan after we have this baby...

I had a day where two funny things happened in the morning. As I was in the turn lane waiting to get on the highway, I saw one of those signs in the median that people advertise on, usually for garage sales or lawn mowing. But that day the one I saw read: "Backed up like traffic? Call us about the benefits of colon cleansing." I had to laugh out loud. Then I got to work and was checking my email when I had my second laugh. I get tons of email forwards a day, lots of great ones, but one that I saw that morning just really tickled me. It said: "If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just Spam."

Patrick Swayze passed away last week. Of course everyone knows him from "Dirty Dancing", but I think my favorite role of his was in "North & South". Back when the mini-series was popular on TV, that was a huge hit. He had been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last year, so it didn't come as a complete surprise, but still sad. He spent a fair amount of time pinned up on my wall with River Phoenix, Johnny Depp and Jon Bon Jovi, among others.

Last week was hectic with trying to get ready for the party Saturday. I had tried to keep the to-do list at a reasonable level for each day so I wouldn't be stressed or worn out. And had I been able to do the list each day, it would have been fine. But a 3 ft. munchkin was not on the same page. She didn't go to bed til 9:30pm three of the nights. Ugh! I ended up staying up til midnight a couple of nights, so Saturday I was tired and stressed - the exact opposite of my goal. S had a bday party to go to at 10am so my DH took her - hallelujah! My mom came over and helped me get stuff ready. The bday party was a blast. It was at a park and a fire truck came, and S just had a great time playing at the park and on the truck. I was sorry to have missed it. Plus I forgot to send the camera with DH!

The hope had been that after the party, he could take her to get some lunch and then she'd fall asleep on the way home and could nap before the party started at 3pm. She actually fell asleep on the way to lunch, so DH just brought her home. Unfortunately, she woke up when they came inside. So after lunch I told her she and Mommy needed to take a nap. I was really stressing at this point. There was only an hour and a half til the party started - I needed that nap time for finishing things up. Of course she didn't want to nap, nor did she want to change her diaper. I was so tired and stressed and impatient with her, and she was throwing one of her colossal tantrums. I told her she would get spanked if she didn't let me change her diaper, and that's exactly what happened. She laid still long enough for me to get the one off, but started bucking before I could get the new one on. My mom was helping me, and I finally asked her to just hold her down, she was so out of control. I was getting out of control, too, and yelling at her. She was turning purple, she was so enraged. By the time I finally got her diaper on, I was crying, and she kicked me when she was flailing, and my mom was worried about the baby, so she was crying. It was a complete disaster. I have felt like a bad mom before, but this was the worst. At this point, DH came upstairs and I had to walk away, I just couldn't take it. I went downstairs and my mom came with me and gave me a big hug. This was an hour before the party was to start. She still needed to go home to get cleaned up. So she and my dad got ready to leave, and DH had brought S downstairs. She was in her half-calmed down phase where she sniffles and can answer yes or no, but if she starts to try to say anything, her little voice gets so squeaky we can't understand her and she gets mad all over again and starts to cry. She finally got out that she wanted to go with Grandma and Papa. I asked them if that was ok and hoped that she'd fall asleep on the way there. They were wonderful and took her, and she did fall asleep, and she did take a nice long nap, thank goodness!

I pulled myself together and tried to finish getting things set up, but I didn't quite ever get done before people got there. So it was a little disorganized and chaotic in the beginning, but I think everyone ended up enjoying it for the most part. My friends from Iowa were in town and stayed in our guest room that night, so that was great to get to use it right away. :) My parents brought S back with them, and she was a little discombobulated at first - she'd left an empty house and returned to a full one - but once she settled in, she had fun playing with the kids. I was so relieved.

Yesterday morning we had breakfast with my friends, and then they left to do some househunting (they are planning to move back from IA - yea!). My DH went to a friend's house to watch football all day, and S and I just chilled out. After our nap we were getting ready to go to the park when our neighbors on the north side stopped by. They had been out of town when we first moved in and had been sick the last few weeks but wanted to bring us something to welcome us (pumpkin bread - yum!). They were really nice. I knew that the woman who had lived in our house before us had only been there a year, but the couple who owned the house before her were the original owners. They are the ones who put in all the nice extra touches. I just love our neighborhood - everyone is very friendly!

Last night when we were getting ready for bed, I had just put her Pull-Up on (We started using those at night last week because she soaked through her regular diaper all over the bedspread and sheets two nights in a row.), when she said she had to poop. I said that it was ok, she could go in her Pull-Up. She said she wanted to sit on the potty. I said ok we'll get it out of the box then! So DH got it out and we set it up and she sat down like a big girl. I really didn't expect anything to happen, but she did manage to toot a couple of times. After a few minutes, I told her it was ok, we'd just try again tomorrow, but she really wanted to be successful last night. She kept wanting to try more. I think part of it is just her determined spirit, but I know some of it was her way of delaying bed time. But I was glad to finally be able to have the potty chair out for her so she can use it when she wants for now.

This morning, I asked S what she wanted for breakfast. Here is how that conversation went:
Me: Do you want some fruit?
S: No.
Me: Some cereal?
S: No.
Me: Some pumpkin bread?
S: No.

We looked in the fridge.

S: I want this!" (hot sauce)
Me: (sigh) Honey, what are you going to put that on?
S: Chicken.
Me: We don't have any chicken. (thinking) Oh, but we do have turkey. Do you want some turkey?
S: Yes!

She ended up wanting BBQ sauce instead of the hot sauce, so I went ahead and put the chicken and BBQ sauce on a plate and got myself some pumpkin bread. Then of course she wanted some pumpkin bread, too. So I got the half-eaten slice we'd saved in a sandwich bag from yesterday. There was also half a cookie in there. She wanted the cookie. At this point, I just didn't care. Plus she was eating turkey which is big because she's not much of a meat-eater. So she picked up the cookie and said, "Dip it?" I said, "Ew, no. Well, try it if you want to, but I don't think you'll like it." She did, and I cringed, and she said, "It's good!" And continued to eat the remainder of the chocolate chip cookie by dipping it in BBQ sauce before each bite. Blech! In the meantime, I was putting together my lunch, and she wanted some of the grapes, so I gave those to her as well. Which she also dipped....

The mealtime process is a mess right now. She has decided she doesn't want to sit on her booster chair any more. Which doesn't bother me except she's started getting down out of her chair before she's done eating. She knows she's not allowed to get down til she's done, so I'll ask her if she's sure she doesn't want any more to eat, and she'll say, "No. Save it in the fridge." Ok, fine. But then two minutes later, she'll want something to eat. I'm not playing this game. Going to have to figure out a good way to get her to stay put until she really is done eating.

I'm excited that tonight I have nothing that I have to get done. I need to finish tidying up from the party, but I'm going to let it wait until tomorrow. The season premiers for "How I Met Your Mother," "Big Bang Theory," and "Heroes" are on tonight. Funny to think that just a few years ago, I didn't watch tv - didn't even have cable....

Catch Up

Things have been so hectic lately that even when I've posted, I've forgotten stuff. So here's a quick rundown of things I've been meaning to make note of:

S has been saying "I love you" lately. It's not the first time she's said it, but it's really become something she understands and lavishes on me. My heart goes pitter-pat...

She is really good at art. We went to my half-sister's pottery shop the other day and she was using two brushes in different colors, and she would think before dipping them and keep the colors separate. My sis said it's very unusual for a kid that young to be that sophisticated with the paint. She also draws horizontal lines, circles, vertical lines, and "words" - the mwmwm-shaped scribbles that we all use to indicate text. The cute part is she'll say what she's writing, and say it slowly as if she's really spelling it out. And she'll giggle at herself as she does it, which just makes me laugh.

She still loves "talking" on the phone, but has actually really done it now. One evening a couple of weeks ago I had taken her for our nightly wagon ride we've started since moving to the new house. DH had to work late so he wasn't there , but called to tell her goodnight. She actually talked to him! At one point in the conversation, she pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at and said in amazement, "I talking to Dada!" It was like the light bulb came on. Not to say she doesn't still have pretend conversations with her Aunt N. If you ever want to know what she's been up to, give her a phone and tell her to call Aunt N. You'll get a rundown of her day. Monday's went something like this "Hi N! Yeah, went to Hy-Vee. Going to Target. Yeah. Mommy going potty." I'll stop there and spare you the details, but I was SOOO relieved she wasn't really on the phone with my sister when she let her know all about my time on the toilet. As any mom knows, you forfeit all personal potty time when you have a child. My DH gets frustrated when she barges in on him occasionally, but I have to remind him that's just my life all the time now. Anyway, we need to have a chat about boundaries on the phone....

Regarding the potty issue, I'm feeling terribly guilty. In the spring when she was expressing interest, we had the house on the market, and I didn't want to have the potty chair sitting out. Then we moved in with my in-laws, and there was so much in limbo, I didn't think it would be a good time to start trying. Now we are in the new house, but she's still adjusting. I think she'll be fine by the end of the month, but then baby R will be here five week later, and her world will be topsy turvy again. After R is born, Thanksgiving and Christmas will happen. So I've decided to postpone training til the first of the year. I feel terribly guilty. I never wanted to push her, but isn't it just as bad to delay her? Unfortuately, I just don't see another option at this point. Chalk up another point in the bad mommy column...

It's been really muggy/humid/foggy the last few days. So this morning when I was leaving her at my parents' house, she turned to my mom and said, "It's kinda muggy." Certainly not the standard meteorological observation of a two-year-old.

We got licorice as part of a housewarming present from DH's best friend, so we had given a piece to S. She has since been asking for it for breakfast every day. Sigh...

She started tickling us a month or so ago which doesn't really tickle most of the time, so we pretend it does, and she gets such a kick out of it. The other day she tickled my tummy and said "Tickle R?" Very cute. She's excited to meet her I think. As are we. DH and I were talking about her before bed last night. Will she be as challenging as S can be? Will she be more laid-back? Will she look like S did? It's a great big surprise we can't wait to discover.

I have two friends from church with kids close to S's age so we get together for playdates from time to time. Because it was fairly centrally located, we often go to Chick Fil A so after we eat, the kids can play and we girls can chat. Now whenever we drive past there, S says the kids names and asks if she can play there with them. This morning she mentioned them to me at breakfast - no prompting by going past Chick Fil A - so I told her she was right, it's about time to plan another get together with the boys.

We're Not Homeless Anymore!

After two weeks of negotiations, we FINALLY will be homeowners again!! They agreed to pay for the chimney repairs in full (they had come back initially offering to pay half) as well as take care of the other things. We take possession on the 1st and plan to move on the 8th. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise that the first house didn't work out - this is the perfect house for us. We're so excited!

That was our happy news last night, but this morning we had kind of a rough start. S woke up at 5:30 (ugh!), and I felt that her bed was wet, so I changed her diaper (in the dark so it ended up being on backwards) and laid down with her and tried to get her back to sleep. She was squirmy and wanted to take her shirt off. Finally at 6am I was tired and frustrated and gave up. Pause for bad mommy moment - I turned the light on and my poor baby had a huge rash with blisters all over her back to halfway down her bottom, on a shoulder, on her forehead, on the back of her left thigh. Here I was irritated with her for not going to back to sleep when she was itchy and uncomfortable! I felt terrible and was a little worried since I didn't know what was wrong exactly. I've never had poison ivy or poison oak, and I was little when I had hives so I didn't know if that was it or not. DH thought it was hives, and we waited til his mom got up at 6:30am (she was a nurse), to ask her. She thought it was hives, too, and by the then it was clearing up quite a bit. So I called the dr. office and left a message for them to let me know if I should bring her in or if there was something I should give her, but by 7:30am it was almost all gone. So I took her to the sitter's and we tried to figure out if she'd eaten anything new. She hadn't, but she had had a few allergenic things - eggs, shrimp and strawberry jam - so we're going to keep those out of her diet for a week or so and then reintroduce them one at a time. My MIL and I were also wondering if it might be the laundry detergent since it was all over her. But we've been using it for 3 weeks, so I would think it would have showed up already. Maybe not. The dr. office said to give her some Benadryl if it was bothering her but not to worry as long as she didn't run a fever.

As for baby number two, I had a dr. appt. today, and R was kicking while I was waiting, but when it was time to listen with the heartbeat monitor, we couldn't find her. So the dr. moved me to a room with an ultrasound machine and we saw her then. Dr. N told me to tell R not to be such a pain in the ass next time. :) I told her I'd give her a little lecture before my next appt. :) I love my OB. She's very direct about everything and doesn't sugar coat it, but always tries to do everything possible to benefit the patient whether it's popular or not. When I had S, I was allowed to eat right away and do other things that are not usually done with C-section patients. The nurses gave us the impression that she's a bit of a renegade. She's had C-sections, too, so I think that helps that she knows what we're going through and can be a real advocate for us.