Freak Out

Source: evangelicaloutpost.com via Jaborandi on Pinterest

Today was a bit disconcerting. Let me preface by saying that S has preschool Tuesday and Thursday mornings. When I dropped S off at preschool this morning, her teacher said, "Hey, S, we missed you Thursday!" Then to me, "Was she not feeling well?"

. . . I'm sorry, what? She was at school Thursday, wasn't she? Um, apparently not. The teacher handed me the worksheets they had done that day for her to take home. Thank God S's teacher has been my best friend for 25 years and didn't think I was a total nut job for not realizing I hadn't brought my daughter to school.

I searched my mind frantically to figure out why S would have been gone. I'd had an interview that day, so I took the girls to my parents' house, but I could swear they only had Baby R.

When I left the preschool, I called my dad to confirm. Of course, he and Mom have no idea what they did yesterday, much less last week. So I looked at my calendar when I got home. When I did, I realized why it took me a week to post anything, and I felt slightly less guilty about why I couldn't remember the exact details of that day:

Tuesday

My dad had cataract surgery, and my mom can't drive anymore, so I needed to take him. Baby R went with us, and S had stayed late at school until I was able to pick her up.

Wednesday

Took dad to his follow up appt that lasted over an hour, even though time with the doc was less than 5 min.

Thursday

I had my second/third round interviews with a place in the morning. I was sure I had taken S to school and left Baby R with Mom and Dad? Where else could she have been? That evening S had a tantrum when I told her it was time to go inside for supper. She threw her scooter and it knocked her bicycle over causing the handlebar to hit just below her eye, scaring me to death that she'd poked it out. Once I knew she wasn't blind, I tossed her at my poor husband and left for the movies. (Cause that's how awesome and loving I am.) I had passes to a Nielsen screening for the new Adam Sandler movie "That's My Boy." I'm not allowed to comment on it yet, but when I am? You will definitely be hearing my opinion.

Friday

Kindergarten round-up. I wasn't as weepy as I thought I'd be. S did great! She didn't even panic when she and her best friend were put in separate groups. HUGE relief.

Saturday

Baby R and I cleaned the house while DH took S to Lawrence to watch the KU baseball game. We hosted a watch party for the Final Four that night - Rock Chalk! Undeservedly Shockingly, KU won!

Sunday

After church, we came home, had lunch, and then I took S to a bday party on the other side of town. It was a cool place, but we were gone ALL. DAY. Didn't get home until 6:30pm. And poor S was really struggling with her allergies. Her eyes are all red and puffy. I keep telling her not to rub them, but come on - she's 4.

Monday

Dad had been sick with a fever Friday and just had no energy through the weekend. He had asked me if I could take Mom to the store. Monday morning when I called Dad to say we were on our way over, he said he needed me to take him to the hospital or the doctor's instead since he was too weak to drive.

For those of you not living in the midwest, it was in the upper 80's, low 90's the last 3-4 days. I realize it's hard to break down and turn on the AC in March/April, but we walked into my parents' house and almost melted. They had a box fan running, but it was doing nothing to cool down the room, much less the whole house. I told Dad he needed to turn it on, he said he was going to but he needed to go downstairs to fiddle with something. I asked him why? He should just be able to change the thermostat. He said he thought when they had their new furnace and thermostat installed in February, they guy told him there was something extra that needed to be done to get the air going. I tried the thermostat. Nothing happened. No click. So he called the HVAC place to find out if there really was something special that needed to be done. There wasn't, but the woman told me to check that the unit outside was on and that the breaker didn't need to be reset. Done and done. Still nothing. She said they didn't have an opening until Wednesday, but if there was a cancellation, she'd let us know.

We all headed to the doctor's office, and the PA said his fatigue could be a sign of pneumonia even though he didn't have any other symptoms, so they did a chest x-ray. I mentioned his low hemoglobin problem from a few years ago, so they also did a blood draw. His lungs were clear, but there was a mass below his ribs they wanted to check out, so they told him they would schedule a CAT scan. The hemoglobin count came back slightly low - 10.5, but not enough to be creating such a dramatic state of fatigue. And he said it felt different than when that happened.

The HVAC place called and had a cancellation and could be there between 2-4pm. So I took them back to our house until then so they could stay cool. I put the girls down for naps - only Dad and Baby R slept, though. I went back to my parents' house to meet the HVAC guy and it turned out to just be a loose wire in the thermostat. Luckily, since they had installed it with the furnace, there was no charge.

When I got back to the house, Dad was awake and feeling much better. I told him he probably had been too hot, and that's why he felt so crappy. While we were waiting for Baby R to wake up so I could take them back home, the cable went out. Oy. About then, DH got home from his first day at his new job. YAY!!! He was immediately trying to find out about the cable since the NCAA championship game was on that night. We knew a couple of other people with issues and they had been told they would be resolved in an hour or so - plenty of time before the game.

About 20 minutes til game time, the cable still wasn't working. So I told DH he could go to his best friend's house a few blocks away. He called the cable company and told them it was crap that it wasn't fixed yet, and we had to pay to watch it online when we already get internet service through them. So they comped us. I could have tried to stream it, but all the Facebook updates were depressing. Finally a friend said I should try to watch the TV without the cable plugged in since it was on a local channel.

DUH.

I did. It worked. It was very fuzzy, but it worked. Unfortunately KU was even fuzzier, and unable to make it happen, so Kentucky became the national champion. I can't complain. KU played terribly the entire tournament. I was shocked they got as far as they did. Not bad for a rebuilding year. Love my Jayhawks.

When DH got home he called the cable company and was very nice but firm about them needing to fix the problem. After awhile, he less nice and firmer about it. That's why we make such a good team! He's so good at that stuff.

Today

DH asked me if I had gone to the basement yesterday and turned off the booster that the cable guy had installed at his last visit. I had gone to the basement, but all I had done was...  Oh. THAT's what the black box attached to the lightbulb was. I had pulled the string two or three times and the light never came one. Apparently I had been the cause of the cable FUBAR. Sorry... ahem....

After panicking about my memory lapse regarding S and preschool to my sister and one other friend, I finally remembered what happened on Thursday. (Hallelujah! I've held Mom's dementia at bay for a little while longer.) I had my interview in the morning. But DH had an interview in the afternoon. So he took the day off. I had originally asked my parents to watch the girls but told them never mind when I found out DH would be home. He was supposed to take S to school while I was getting ready. But since he's never in charge of that, he didn't remember to do it. And I should have reminded him, but I was focused on prepping for the interview. And having him home felt like Saturday, so I just completely spaced off that S had school. Ok, maybe the dementia's not that far away after all...

Good News!

I'm excited to finally be able to make this announcement that's been in the works the last week or so. Those of you who read regularly know my husband and I have been having some employment issues. DH has been at a crappy job that he's been trying to leave for two years. We both found out the last week of December that we were going to be laid off. I was let go at the end of January, and he has had his layoff date move from end of March to end of February to sometime this summer. He's been job hunting even more intently the last few months, and it finally paid off! After a rigorous interview process and an intensive background check, he accepted a contract job with a highly regarded pharmaceutical company. He gave his notice on Friday - hallelujah! The contract only runs through December, so he's concerned about that, but we are hopeful that it will lead to another position within the company, but if not, at least it will make an impressive addition to his resume. And of course, we're hopeful I'll have found employment by then as well. Thanks to everyone for the prayers and well wishes!!

March Madness Parenting Methods

I'm not the stay-at-home-mom I thought I would be. For one thing, I thought I would handle the bickering over toys with diplomacy, tact and patience. Yeah, not so much. Today I hit upon brilliant approach that I credit to all the basketball we've been watching lately.

The girls were fighting over a toy we found in the basement at my parents' house while we were looking for my old records yesterday morning. For those of you 80's kids like me, you may remember this:

Fisher Price Sesame Street toy set

I had to explain to the girls that Mr. Hooper used to run the store instead of Chris, but other than that, most of the elements from the show featured in the toy are the same today as they were 35 years ago.

The girls helped me wash the figurines while I wiped down the apartment building, and then happily played together for awhile. Before long, I heard them arguing. They both wanted the trash truck. (I sort of remember that was the piece my sister and I fought over, too.) They came to me crying and screaming and claiming each had it first.

I sighed. I've tired lots of things when they fight over toys. Take the toys away, put the kids in time out, attempt to discern who really had the toy first to begin with and then set the timer so they can take turns.

But yesterday for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was this: "Ok, the possession arrow goes to Baby R this time."

I was half kidding, but realized that this approach was pure genius! The next time they came to me about wanting Bert, I ruled in favor of S. It had no bearing on who really had it first. It didn't matter. I didn't have to try to figure it out. I didn't listen to any arguing. All I had to keep track of was who had the possession arrow.

The best part was that there was no post-decision tantrum, because it was over in a second. It was so liberating!

How about you? What's your approach to dealing with fights over toys?

Skills Left Unused Go Dull

I took a week between posts, and the one from Friday is far from good writing. It's notes on things that happened, and I wanted to document them, but I simply entered the facts, I didn't embellish or craft a story. In general, my posts as of late have been flat. I feel like I'm in a slump. I've lost my mojo. And I haven't made myself push through it and write more to get to the other side. I've slacked off because I can. And I can tell. I care, but at the same time, I feel like I need a break.

Last week I mostly didn't post because things were a little chaotic. Monday night I had a get together with my girls from high school. While I was there, DH called to say our refrigerator stopped working, so he was moving everything over to the beer/pop fridge in the garage. When I got up Tuesday morning, I heard the ice maker drop ice, so I thought it was working again. This seemed like an opportune time to clean the inside since it was empty. I let DH know, and he said to put a thermometer in it to make sure it was really working again. So I did. It was around 40 all day, which I thought was fine, but DH said was too warm when he got home. The kicker was that when he opened the freezer to see the ice, it had all melted. Good thing I wasted the day cleaning the dang thing.

Anyway, I am trying to get back into the habit of writing a little bit every day. So forgive me for awhile as the quality and content may be less than stellar as I get back into the swing of things!

Composting: Have We Really Become That Pretentious?

Until last fall, whenever I heard people talk about composting, one of two things came to my mind. Either they were farmers, or they were pretentious hipsters who wanted everyone to think they were green even though they secretly loved styrofoam.

While we do have a garden, it's not like we have a tiller or a tractor or anything; it's modest in size. I didn't really think we needed to compost. Plus isn't that kind of a pain in the butt to mess with all the time? When DH suggested it, I thought it would be a hassle to do and envisioned a stinky pile with a 2-year-old playing in it.

When we first started to discuss it, DH and I argued about the process considerably. I told him we should follow the directions in a handy book I got at the library and photocopied about 4 pertinent pages out of:

Source: goodreads.com via Jaborandi on Pinterest

He said our neighbors at the end of the block also compost for their garden (hence, why he thought we should), and they just chuck it all in a pile, so that's what he wanted to do. My biggest gripes about DH's plan in the beginning were that #1: It would stink and our neighbors would hate us; and #2: In addition to the curious toddler, animals would be digging through it. And I don't just mean squirrels. We don't have a fenced in backyard, and there are two large parks near our house that have deer and coyotes. I didn't want to encourage them to hang out in our neighborhood.

However, since he was the one doing most of the work, we used his method. (I think it will end up working, it's just taking a little longer than I think it needed to if we'd done it my way, ahem.)

We have 3 raised garden beds:

The one closest to you in the photo is the one he decided to use for the composting. Basically we started to put grass clippings, raked leaves and table scraps in there (plus random stuff like dryer lint and coffee grounds that I didn't know you could compost before I read that book!) in no particular order or fashion starting around November.

Since it was winter, we knew there wouldn't be any progress for awhile since it has to be fairly warm for the waste to start decomposing. But then a funny thing happened; we sort of skipped winter this year in Kansas. So a couple of weeks ago, we decided to really start trying to get it going. The book says that if you water and turn it every few days, it can compost in about 6 weeks. Which would be perfect timing for the garden. DH even bought a bottle of some liquid compost starter that has bacterial and fungal cultures that are supposed to help move along the process.

Turning it basically means mixing it up so the stuff on the bottom gets moved to the top and air and water circulate through to aid in the decomposition. We only have a shovel, but I think we will have to get one of the twisting digging things (that's the technical name, of course) that are mentioned in the book if we don't buy a rotating bin next year like the one pinned below (which our friends have and would be my preference once I have a job again, and we can spend money). 

Source: homedepot.com via Jaborandi on Pinterest

Or the one that Carrie from The Sweetest reviewed on my fave review site, This Blogger Makes Fun Of Stuff. I can't say that our chosen compost process has totally worked (I just turned it today and discovered some rather large food particles that I thought would be gone by now), but I do think in general, it's going ok. Surprisingly, not much foraging (by the child or the animals). There was a little in the beginning, but it seemed like smaller animals; maybe a raccoon had gotten in, but most likely squirrels and rabbits were the biggest culprits. And it really doesn't smell at all. The book says if you do it right, it shouldn't, so that's encouraging, I guess.

So even if it turns out that this process doesn't result in the end-product in six weeks, based on how it looks so far, I definitely think it will happen eventually. And it's completely worth it even if we miss our start date. Not only because we can use it later, of course, but even if we weren't gardening with it and just spreading it on the lawn, we have reduced our trash output considerably. 

(Excuse me a minute while I put on my skinny jeans, pretentious TOMS and big glasses.) I can honestly say that once we potty train Baby R this spring, I bet only a quarter of our regular trash barrel will be filled each week. We cut it by a third when we started recycling (maybe even by half) and have cut out another 1/4 to 1/3 by composting. Granted, we have small children who waste a lot of food regardless of how hard I try to avoid that by making them eat leftovers later or finishing it off myself. (I draw the line at cookies dipped in Ranch.) So our trash quantities may be affected in different percentages than the average person's. Still, even if it's less than that, it's a positive step for the environment.

Do you compost? Have you considered composting? If so, are you wanting to use it for a specific project timeline or just start it up? If you're only wanting to do it for the sake of doing it, I say go with DH's "just chuck it" approach. If you want some organization to it, grab that book at the library for some tips.  Good luck!

But Soft! What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks?

It is... my ankle? Well, ok I didn't break it, just sprained it. The right one; the ol' "football" injury.

I had tickets to the ballet today ("Romeo and Juliet" - in case you missed my turn of phrase above), so I got gussied up for church, so I could just drop everyone off at home and head out from there.

As I was walking Baby R back into the house, my boot caught in the driveway and rolled my ankle. Tears, muffled swearing, a change of shoes, and a makeshift ice pack later, I left the house.

I had invited my mom to church to get her out into more social situations (an update there is overdue), and then went across town to lunch at the house of one of the girls I attend the shows with. I had to stop for gas, so I waited til I was across state line since it's cheaper. When I got out of the car, I accidentally locked my keys in. No, no, no!

DH had been super sweet and started my car for me this morning since I was running late. With his key. Which is the spare key. I was going to have to call a locksmith. Again. As if we have $100. to throw around!

I knew DH would be super pissed at me. I called him and then went to find a phone book in the QT. I called my friend to let her know I'd be late (if I made it at all). Then DH called me back and told me to check the back door first. It's been sticking and not always locking or unlocking. I said a quick prayer - well more of a desperate plea; you know how those moments are. I tried the handle, and it worked! God bless broken things!

My friend had made a lovely lunch of homemade sweet potato corn chowder and grilled cheese (a fancy version, both of which were AWESOME), and then we headed downtown.

Not being familiar with how the highway linked up from her side of town, and since she hadn't been to the new Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts yet, I called my dad for suggestions en route. This turned out to be a mistake that took us longer and through a less than desirable part of town. But we finally got there.

If you aren't seated when the show starts, you have to wait for intermission. We got to the parking garage five minutes before show time. Our seats are seventh floor balcony. We hustled as fast as I could with my weak ankle, and barely made it in time, our other friend entering right behind us (she had driven back from Wichita this morning).

The performance was lovely. The sets were gorgeous, the woman who portrayed Juliet was enchanting, and we had a lovely time.

As we left, we stopped on the third level down of the parking garage and said farewell to the friend who had met us there. Then we realized we had no idea which level we had parked on. We had been so worried about getting inside, neither of us had paid attention. I was pretty sure it was that level, so we walked about halfway across, and I hit the panic button on my key fob. The alarm went off. On a different level.

We quickly went upstairs to kevel two. Nope, that wasn't it. So we went back down. Once I had turned the alarm on, I couldn't seem to get within a range that would allow me to shut it off again. We were everyone's worst nightmare. Finally, we got all the way down to the fourth level and found my van.

Certainly a memorable trip. But I so love the ballet; it was definitely worth it!

Loan Options

With my newly unemployed status and DH's impending unemployed status, we are reviewing our mortgage options. Unfortunately, we refinanced last fall, so I don't think we're eligible anyway. But we do need to talk to the bank about possibly making some kind of adjustment. Thankfully we do have a bit of savings to get us through a few months, but it would be better if we could reduce it and extend that out a little longer.


While looking things over, we ran across some VA loan refinance rates. It doesn't apply to us as we aren't military, but it might help you or someone you know. To find out if you are eligible, you can click here. For market forecasts, mortgage rates and other real estate news in your area, the Housing Predictor is helpful. 

This was brought to you by your friends at www.militaryvaloan.com.

The Miscarriage

This is the third of a 4 part story. For part 1, please click here. For part 2, please click here. 

January 18, 2012

Yesterday, I decided to go to my regular night job shift a little early since my FIL was taking the girls to the airport to drop off my SIL who has been visiting the last few days. I spoke to my boss and let him know what was going on and that I may not show up to work one night for obvious reasons. I left there and stopped by my office because I needed to print off some personal emails, but couldn't access them because my account had been hacked earlier in the day. I thought I had fixed it by resetting the password but Hotmail locked me out anyway. Frustrated, I headed back home to meet friends to carpool to bunko.

One of them, SJK, knows what's going on. I had called her last night to tell her while I was downing half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food that DH was kind enough to run to the store for. (I'm a comfort eater.)

Anyway, we carpooled with two other ladies, so I didn't get to talk to her about it much. But I was so grateful she was with me because around 8pm, I started cramping. At 8:30pm, I had to run to the bathroom. I was bleeding pretty heavily, and I heard a loud "plop" - it was starting. I kept it together surprisingly well, though when I came back out to the kitchen, I couldn't look at SJK, because I knew she would be able to tell from looking at my face, and I would break down. I asked her if she had any ibuprofen, and swallowed four quickly.

We had just finished a round and were debating starting another one, so I begged off. We had dessert and wrapped things up, heading out into the bitter cold.

When we got back to my house and the others had gone, I told SJK what she had already surmised. She hugged me and wished me well. I headed in to the house.

I let DH know. He asked if there was anything he could do for me, but there wasn't yet. I couldn't find our heating pad like the OB had suggested, but I did find a lavender wrap we have that can be warmed in the microwave. I got into bed, and prepared myself for a few hours of pain and sadness.

Oddly enough, they didn't come. I was uncomfortable, but not curled in a ball moaning. And though I bled, it was more like a regular period than the gushing I'd been expecting. I finally fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up and felt like there was still unfinished business. I wasn't sure what to do. Call the doctor? Wait and see if anything more happened this morning once I was up and moving? Go to work?

In the end I decided to go to work mostly because I needed to tell my boss what was going on and meet a friend for lunch.

Lunch ended and still nothing more had happened. I called the doctor, and they said to come right in. I let DH know and was sure they would have to do a DNC to finish the job that Mother Nature had started.

The nurse did a sonogram to verify, and it all looked clear. Since I felt weird, though, to be positive everything was completely cleaned out, she sent me home with a med to do the job and hydrocondone for the pain that would go with it.

I waited to we got the girls in bed, then took the pain meds before placing the prescription under my tongue. She had said it would take about 30 minutes to dissolve and get started, so I watched "Modern Family" to keep my mind in a semi-vegetative state, distracted from the process my body was going through.

The lavender wrap and hydrocodone helped, but it was severe enough that I got out my iPad for multi-tasking distraction. DH rubbed my lower back while we watched "CSI," and that helped, too.

At 10pm, I took 3 ibuprofen as directed to overlap the hydrocodone doses and help with the interim. But even though I set an alarm for a second dose of the heavy stuff at midnight, I was afraid of falling asleep and missing it and being in too much pain to get it back under control. So I started writing today's entry. And wouldn't you know it, the alarm just sounded. Time to take my meds, read my Bible and pray, and to try to sleep.

Telling the Girls

This is the second of a 4 part story. For part 1, please click here.

When I called DH from the doctor's office, I knew he would be in his morning meeting. I left him a message and told him I'd be home around 10am, and to call me as soon as he could. He called around 10:15am and was already in the car on his way home. I have never been so thankful for him.

When he got home, I filled him in on the details. He choked up when he asked if they could tell if it was a boy or a girl. I told him it was too soon to tell. He asked if there was anything we could have done differently. I told him no, and even though I know it's true, I had briefly thought, except maybe if I hadn't worked out Saturday, or if I hadn't let myself get so stressed. But part of me had wondered last week if we were trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. The OB had even said that sometimes when our hormone levels are low, it's just our body needing a little help. But sometimes they are low because our body is trying to resolve something that's not going to work on its own.

DH and I sat on the couch, holding hands and leaning on each other. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him cry. I was a little surprised that he had gotten so attached so quickly. And so, so very thankful that I wasn't going through this alone.

I had texted a friend who has been through this - a couple of times, unfortunately -  to ask her what she had told her girls as they had been around the same age as ours with her last loss. She called me as soon as she had a break at school. It was wonderful to hear her voice and advice. She told me it would suck for a long time. Then it would get better. Then August would come and DH wouldn't understand why I was upset. I would tell him because it was the baby's due date, and he wouldn't get it. And I told her that's when I'd call her. Though, after how emotional he was today, I might be surprised by him again when that time comes.

He went to pick up the girls at lunchtime. By then I was able to be calm. While we were eating, I told them we had some sad news. We weren't going to have a baby after all. S asked why. I told her that it just wasn't the right time. I was prepared for her to be upset, but I should have known she would just want to know more. She asked me where the baby was, how it got out, couldn't it just stay there and start growing again when it was ready, etc. Thankfully, she wasn't as upset as I had feared. She's definitely disappointed, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

After lunch we all napped. When S got up, she wanted to play with the neighbor boy, P. DH took her outside and chatted with P's parents while they were on the swing set while I stayed in and waited for Baby R to wake up. Apparently, S told P that we weren't going to have a baby anymore. He said, "What happened to Baby R?" Leave it to kids to bring the funny to a seemingly humorless situation.

Secrets

I apologize for the length of this entry. I have broken it up going forward, but due to the nature of the outcome of this portion of the story, I felt it necessary to contain it in this first post.

December 21, 2011

I'm not good at keeping secrets. I mean, I can keep other people's to myself, but my own secrets - those are hard for me. Especially this one. It's been wearing on me. I feel so many emotions about it, and I want to talk it through. I haven't even told DH yet. Writing is the only catharsis available to me now, so that will have to do.

I'm late. My first reaction was panic. I'm about to be laid off completely from my main job. I won't have insurance. Things are already tight financially as it is. Will DH be mad at me for letting this happen? Then I think, it takes two to tango, honey. But I still feel like an irresponsible teenager.

At the same time, I'm ecstatic. We've been discussing a third baby but had put the idea on hold because of my job situation. But I'm not getting any younger, so I'm excited that it's happened.

Which brings me to my next emotion: guilt. I feel terrible that I'm even having this inner dilemma, because I have so many friends struggling with infertility, and I should feel nothing but blessed.

And then there's the fear. Fear that something will go wrong. We're messing with fate. We have two beautiful, healthy baby girls. What if something happens with this third one? What if it is the boy DH wants, but it has a serious health problem? What if we should have just been content with our perfect foursome?

Part of me knows it's the hormones. But part of me knows it's true.

• • • • •

December 25, 2011

Last night while DH and my brother-in-law were dropping off a new couch at my parents' house that we had gotten them for a Christmas gift from Santa, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I knew it would be, but the finality of the results was still a little unnerving. I wrapped it with a note and laid it on DH's pillow.

When we finally got to bed at 2am after a flat tire on the way home from his aunt's house, getting the overnight casserole I found on Pinterest put together and doing our Santa duties, he saw it. I told him I was giving it to him then because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. He opened it and said, "I'm not sure what my reaction is either." But he was smiling. I imagine he feels the same way I do. Then he said in his fake, tough-guy voice, "It better be a boy this time." I knew everything was going to be ok.

• • • • •

December 26th, 2011

We told the girls at dinner tonight.

Me: "Girls, Mommy and Daddy have some exciting news. We're going to have another baby."

S: Groans. "Another baby?"

Me: "You don't want another baby?"

S: "No."

Baby R: (Has to follow whatever big sister does.) "No."

DH: "Would you rather have another sister or a brother?"

S: "Another sister!"

Me: "It's fun having a sister, isn't it?"

S: "Yeah!"

A few minutes later.

S: "Who's tummy is it going to come out of?"

Me: "Mommy's tummy, honey."

S: "Aw, I want it to come out of Daddy's tummy!"

DH laughs.

Me: "Well, sweetie, babies only come out of mommy tummies."

• • • • •

December 30th, 2011

I've been spotting the last couple of days. I'm debating if I should call the doctor to see if I can have my blood tests done today instead of waiting til my appointment next Friday. All the stuff I see online says it isn't unusual, so I'm going to wait for now.

• • • • •

December 31st, 2011

S wants to name the baby the same first name as her with Santa as a middle name. I told her we'd talk about it. She wanted to know when we could feel the baby kick, and I told her it wouldn't be for a few months. She asked more questions so I got out my "What to Expect" book and showed her the sketches at the beginning of the first month and second month and read the description saying that the embryo is only 1-inch long. She put her hand on my stomach and told the baby she loved it. My heart wanted to burst with love for her.

• • • • •

January 1, 2012

DH has been under the weather the last few days, so we had vacillated about what we were going to do for New Year's Eve. Yesterday afternoon, he decided he felt well enough for us to go to a party we'd been invited to, but we couldn't find anyone to watch the girls on such short notice, so I stayed home while he stopped by for a little bit. When he got home, we watched a couple of episodes of "Criminal Minds" because we're trying to clear off the DVR since we're switching our cable back to Time Warner next week. It was a super exciting evening. Especially when I started worrying about the spotting since it seemed heavier and pinker.

Today, I called the OB about it. She told me to come in first thing Tuesday to have some bloodwork done. At first, I was thinking, "Tuesday? That's two days from now. Shouldn't I go to an ER or something?" But then she eased my fears by saying that since I wasn't cramping or gushing blood, not to worry too much as 50% of pregnant women do bleed through their first trimester. She told me to take it easy - not bedrest, but no unnecessary activity. That alone seemed to help.

Last night I was up until after 1am, not because it was New Year's, but because I was worried and playing out horrific scenarios in my mind. But this morning I remembered to give it over to God, and I've had a great peace about it. Why don't I remember to do that in the first place?

• • • • •

January 4, 2012

The doctor's office called today with my test results. My progesterone was low: 7.2 (supposed to be between 9 & 47), and my HcG was also low: 5,252 (should be 7,650 - 229,000 for where I think I am in my cycle). They want to check my levels again tomorrow, but in the meantime put me on a progesterone script that seems to be helping. I'll be 8 weeks Friday when I go for my first official checkup. If I can just get through 4 more, I should be in a more stable place.

DH and I hatched a plan last night that incorporates our current situation, and if we can make it work, would be ideal. He suggested telling my boss that I don't need to go back to full-time status if I can keep my benefits the way things have been, and offering to change my hours from Monday/Wednesday/half-day-Friday to everyday from 10am-2pm. That would be better for my clients if I was there every day, and it would probably be easier on my parents to only have the girls half days (part of which corresponds with nap time). Then we talked about him taking over my part-time night job since he could probably work 15-20 hours/week in comparison to my 12, so I could focus more time on my Etsy shop.

When I dropped the girls off at my parents' house this morning, I mentioned it to my dad and he said he doesn't think they can watch the girls much longer. It's just too hard on them; they're 70. I understand, but was feeling a bit deflated.

Then I got to the office and one of my co-workers said he'd discussed the state of the company with the owner Tuesday, and the long and short of it is that if we don't get one of the projects we're trying to cultivate to come in soon, we'll be closing the doors at the end of the month. That completely knocked the wind out of my sails.

All I can do is laugh.

• • • • •

January 5, 2012

DH came home today and told me his boss let him know the owner wants to go in a different direction. DH will be let go sometime between tomorrow and three months from now. 

All I can do now? Is cry.

• • • • •

January 7, 2012

Yesterday I had my first actual OB appointment. More blood, but at least she got it on the first try instead of the third. My arms look like pin cushions after three days of blood draws! The sonogram looked like I was only 6 weeks so they want me to come back in 2 weeks to verify. Currently my due date is August 21. The nurse and I had a good laugh over the fact that when I went to my yearly in October we talked about getting me on birth control. And then I cried when she asked me if things were better at work. She gave me some more hormone samples and prenatal samples and told me to just get the cheapest script for vitamins with DHA.

Today I went to pick up my prescriptions and the cheapest prenatal was $40/month. And my insurance doesn't even cover the hormone script, so it was $300. I bought the vitamins but passed on the hormones and will call the doc on Monday to see if there's anything else I can take instead.

• • • • •

January 15, 2012

I was able to get a different prescription, but I have been spotting again. I tried to workout one day, but that made it worse. I think it would be better if I was less stressed, and working out helps that, but it didn't seem to help my uterus as much as I would have liked, so trying to take it easy.

S has suggested a new name for the baby. Bug Belle Santa. She is so funny!

I decided I love the name Amelia, but I can't bring myself to use it since it was the third most popular name last year. Sigh. Of course, if it's a boy, we won't have to worry about it. We'll see. DH likes Madeleine for a girl, but we already know several kids with that name.

• • • • •

 January 16, 2012 (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)

The spotting turned red around 1am. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.

As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band's song, "He Loves Us" ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday:

Oh, how He loves us, so
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

S came to our room around 6:30am. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to "snuggle with the baby." She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. "You would have been so loved," I thought to myself.

I dropped the girls off at my parents' house, and called the OB's office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.

As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I'd been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort. 

The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat. Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words.

She let me know my options, then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry. I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.

Food!

Source: chiquitabananas.com via Jaborandi on Pinterest

I've been on a homemade food kick again. Partly because I know it's healthier, partly because I thought it would be cheaper. Sadly, the awesome waffles I made today turned out to be much more expensive than the box of Eggo's DH brought home from Costco tonight. I finally made those homemade granola bars, but no one liked them but me, so that doesn't really help. And the homemade bread is de-lish to everyone, but even with my new slicing guide I got for Christmas, it's a little bulky for sandwiches, especially for the girls since they rarely eat half a sandwich each anyway. So it's somewhat impractical to make the bread. I made a smoothie yesterday (see the image above) which was pretty good. Would have been better with a little chocolate syrup, but yes, I realize that eliminates the healthy part of it!

Until our recent job situation, I always felt like it was worth the extra money to make the food from scratch because it doesn't have all the preservatives, I know exactly what's in it, etc. But we are getting to a serious money crunch, and when it comes to deciding if we should make homemade waffles or buy the Eggo's, I'm truly at a point where I feel like we have to go with the Eggo's. Part of me thinks it's not a big deal, it's only temporary. We'll all survive if we don't eat the absolute best things for a year. (I realize all the examples I gave are not the healthiest choices, too.) Trying to focus on the positive. Thankful that we have the option to eat whatever we want, and not whatever is available, or worse, nothing at all.

Linking up with Elaine for Miss-Elaine-ous Monday!

Update

I started freelance blogging and am looking into a freelance logo designing gig. We'll see how those pan out. I also started a new line of products on my Etsy shop, R.S.V.P. It's invitations and paper goods. I'm signed up to be a vendor at a luncheon expo in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will bring some traffic in. I'm also planning to partner with a couple of Etsy friends to do some cross promoting. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough hours in the day, so while I want these ventures to be successful, I'm praying for a good balance.

So Far, 2012 Sucks

I have been off the grid a bit lately. That's mostly due to the following things happening the first week of the new year:

January 3rd - I found out my company will likely be closing its doors at the end of the month.

January 4th - DH found out his slimeball boss is going to let him go sometime between now and the end of March and replace him with his assistant.

There were some other crazy things that happened that I can't go into right now. I have a long summary post that I'll publish in a few weeks. For now, suffice it to say, that I was so stressed I got a tongue ulcer. It's as gross as it sounds, but I'll wait while you Google some pictures of it. In conjunction with that, I also had some canker sores, so I literally could not eat on the right side of my mouth for about four days. Which you would think would be awesome since it's the beginning of the year and everyone is dieting, but all I could eat were foods that weren't acidic, spicy or salty, which left soft, sweet stuff.

Anyway, after an embarrassing breakdown in front of my boss at my part-time job, and an a-ma-zing sermon at church on Sunday that pretty much summed up my spiritual life right now (in a desert in my relationship with God, being put through trials for Him to be able to refine me, knowing He will carry me through to victory), I'm on the other side of last week, and in much better spirits.

I hope all of you are having a much, much better start to the new year.

My Favorite Thing About a New Year - At Work

Source: simplemom.net via Mandy on Pinterest

I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions. They never stick. Check out my post from last year, and you'll see what I mean. I did accomplish a few of my goals though: I did find a new church home, I did set up a new email account, I did take the girls to St. Louis on the train, and I've been better about the desk in the kitchen (not sure DH would entirely agree, though!).

That said, I do love the idea of a fresh start. What's better than a brand new notebook with sharpened pencils that still have their original eraser in its pristine condition?

In that vein, my favorite thing about a new year at work is that I clean out my email. I always start out the year so well! You can tell, because everything through about March is filed. Then it happens. I'm out sick, or we start a huge project or something makes me slip. It starts to spiral out of control. Pretty soon, I give up. I file the easy stuff, but anything that requires thought/effort/memory gets left in the Inbox. Things slow down a bit, and I try to be retroactive, but I never quite catch up.

I left on 2011 with 776 messages in my Inbox and 2,406 in my Outbox. (Ouch! I'm so much worse about filing sent ones.) But once the calendar flips to January, I move everything into folders. Last year's are called "Inbox 2011" and "Outbox 2011."

I love having an empty Inbox and Outbox. So what if I just did the equivalent of hiding everything in the closet? I feel better now. And I will continue to feel good about it. Until March.

Thanksgiving

Design from Jaborandi Grove

Wednesday

I've posted about my love of Thanksgiving before. This year was wonderful, too, and I'm continually amazed at the blessings in our lives.  Unfortunately, my SIL's BFF's mom passed away suddenly this week. My SIL had not planned to come home for the holiday until she found out the funeral was yesterday. Wednesday night, S went with my FIL to pick up Auntie E from the airport. I think E was glad as her presence lightened the mood. They ended up having a conversation about what DH wears to bed. (Not sure how that subject came up. Not sure I want to know.) Anyway, here's the general idea:

S: Daddy sleeps nakeypants.
Auntie E: What do you mean? Does he where a shirt?
S: No.
Auntie E: Does he wear shorts?
S: No, just panties.

DH about died, and I cracked up when we heard about it. Can't blame S for not knowing that shorts are boxers or briefs, but clearly we need to have a conversation that explains the nuances of underwear terms.

Thursday

I always enjoy going to DH's family's Thanksgiving. It's his dad's side of the family, and about 30 of the 50 or so relatives were able to be there. Now that the cousins are having kids, there are little ones around to play with. S didn't want to leave when it was time to go because she was having too much fun. Love that!

The best part was when we said Grace before dinner. Everyone held hands in a huge circle that wound through the kitchen and dining room. I was holding Baby R so put her little hand in her teenage cousin's. DH's aunt began to say the blessing, and Baby R whispered "God is great, God is good, mumble mumble mumble food, Amen. God is great, God is good..." So sweet!

That night, Auntie E came over and chatted. We drank way too much wine and hung out with the neighbors for awhile by their fire pit. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I stumbled to bed around 2am. Oy...

Friday

In the morning, as expected, I was regretting my bedtime as well as the bottle and a half of vino I'd consumed. Small children have no ability to sleep in. Plus I needed to start baking since my family was coming over for Thanksgiving Round 2.

I realized I was missing an ingredient for the pumpkin pie, so I took the girls to the store for the fastest yet longest trip in my life. We walked in, I put them in the cart, and literally in front of me was the evaporated milk I needed. It was all I had come for, but decided to swing by the in-store Starbucks as I was in desperate need of some caffeine. While in line, the girls whined for apple juice which we had at home, and since we were leaving right after getting my coffee, I told them no.

And it began.

Huge tantrums by both of them. I finally got S calmed down, but then when it was time to get out of the cart, Baby R threw herself on the ground, kicking and screaming. I wasn't angry or embarrassed. I simply didn't have the energy to care.

I started walking toward the door and tossed a nonchalant, "Bye-bye!" her way. If it had been S, she would have come running. But Baby R didn't buy it. I stood by the automatic door, the heater blowing to push the cold air back outside, and looked at her for a minute. A cashier came over and asked if she was all right. I said, "She's fine. She's two. She's having a tantrum." I wanted to let her work it out, but I knew the employees didn't need to deal with it, so I snatched Baby R up and headed out.

For those of you who've never tried it, I don't recommend walking through a parking lot holding a hot cup of coffee, a grocery bag, a purse, the hand of your 4YO and a thrashing toddler. I'm just thankful none of the coffee spilled on the girls.

Thank goodness the Elf on the Shelf is back; S didn't remember her at first, but now that we've re-read the book and reiterated the correlation between good behavior and Santa bringing presents, she's back on board. Hopefully we can avoid a repeat of Friday morning.

Saturday

Nothing too exciting. My sister and BIL had spent the night with us Friday, so we had breakfast and then left for STL. It would have been nice if they could have stayed longer, but they had had a rough week. Their cat was hit by a car, my sis had a terrible week at work in NYC and was stuck on the runway of her return flight for a couple of hours, and she had to go back to NYC today. I don't blame them for wanting to get home and relax for a little bit.

DH and I finished cleaning up the house. I went in to my PT job for a couple of hours to make up being gone for the holiday. I did a little bit of work for Jaborandi Grove as it was the biggest shopping weekend of the year with Black Friday and Small Business Saturday as well as Cyber Monday coming up. It was hard to coordinate stuff for Etsy with the family stuff, but I'm still a small enough shop that it didn't matter much.

Sunday

Today we missed church as we had brunch with my in-laws for one last hurrah with Auntie E before she heads back to Cali tomorrow. We also drew names for Christmas presents. Tonight we put up the Christmas tree and some of the decorations. We all napped this afternoon so we were a bit late getting around to it. We'll have to finish up tomorrow.

It's fun to watch S start to remember things and see Baby R really take it in now that she's bigger. Though S is getting tricky with her questions about Santa already. Not sure how well I will do answering them.

While I did the dishes after supper, S was "talking" to Auntie E on the phone. She said she was sorry we hadn't invited her over to eat, but it was too late now. She chatted a few more minutes and then told me after she hung up that C (Auntie E's boyfriend) didn't want her to come back to Cali tomorrow, so she was going to stay with us tomorrow night and go back Tuesday. So funny!

Nightmares and Reality

For those of you who haven't heard, Baby Lisa has been missing for two weeks now. Now that I have children of my own, I can't watch news stories about these things anymore, so my source of information has mostly been people recounting a tiny bit of what's going on here and there. In other words, I don't know much.

What I do know is that she is gone. Regardless of how or why or who took her, the point is she's gone. I have insane fears about something happening to our girls. I think all parents do to a certain extent. With the recent abduction of Baby Lisa, it's been on my mind more than usual. Coupled with the fact that I was re-reading David Baldacci's  Hour Game and had serial killers on my mind, I've been having crazy nightmares. I don't think it helped that I was sick with a fever the last three days.

It's a fine line to walk in today's world between being safely cautious and paranoid. It's hard enough to negotiate that field as a single woman. But adding kids to the equation makes it almost impossible. I try to remember not to worry, and pray for peace and protection, but sometimes my mind works itself into a frenzy.

I think it's interesting to see how people react to situations, too. I know what I think I would do when you ask me how I would respond to a carjacker or mugger or kidnapper. But were any of those things to happen in real life, would my reaction be the same? I hope I never get to find out.

Two of my friends have had terrible experiences in which they didn't respond the way they thought they would. One was leaving a concert late at night and was carjacked by a 14-year-old who put a gun in her face. Instead of giving him the car, she told him she'd take him where he wanted to go but he wasn't getting her car. I could NOT believe she did that. She couldn't either. She said she thought it was because he was just a little kid and she wasn't intimidated by him.

Another was mugged in the parking lot of a restaurant in broad daylight. She had stopped there with her 7 and 5 year old kids on their drive from Kansas to Oklahoma. A couple of guys tried to steal her purse. She held onto it for dear life, kicking and cursing as they dragged her along the pavement. They finally gave up and left her and the kids unharmed, but shaken. She was operating on Mama Bear instinct though; her fear was if they got her whole purse, they would know their names and address and could come find them. I don't know that I would have had the presence of mind to think of that in the moment.

What about you? Have you ever experienced a nightmare that became a reality? If so, how did you react?

This is linked to a monthly meme with Not Just Another Jen. October's word of the month is "Fear".

The Calendar Says It's October, But...

It's hard to believe when we've had temps in the 80s for the last week. Don't get me wrong; I'm enjoying our Indian Summer. It made our trip to the pumpkin patch yesterday very comfortable. Though, it was really dusty as it hasn't rained in three weeks. But I'm ready for slightly cooler weather, just enough for jeans and a light jacket, a little nip in the air so the fire pit sounds inviting instead of just hot. 


My sister was in town over the weekend, so we were lucky to have her and my mom join us on our quest for the best pumpkins. Here are some pics of our fun! 

Morning, Baby R

You are asleep with your knees tucked under your chest and your bum up in the air. The right side of your hair is sticking out wildly; a knot has formed on the back. I stealthily creep to your closet to get a set of clothes and shoes, then gently quiet the babbling brook emanating from the machine on your changing table. You become aware of my presence and pop your head up. A smile brightens your sleepy face.

"Good morning, pumpkin," I whisper, crossing to your crib. You stumble to your feet, tripping over White Blankie, Pink Blankie (previously known as "Two Blankie"), and the latest addition, Checked Blankie, as well as your musical, glowing Seahorse and Pillow Pet, Duckie. It's a wonder there's room for you to sleep in there.

A smile blossoms on your petal-soft lips. "Time go, Mama?" your teeny voice queries.

"Yep!"

You reach for me, and I lift you to my chest. You bury your head in my neck, and I gently squeeze you and breathe in your scent - no longer a baby, not quite a little girl. You are getting too heavy to lift out of there, but you haven't quite made the transition to your Big Girl Bed. Nap time, occasionally, but only once or twice for Night Night.

"Sissy?"

"Sissy is already downstairs. We've got to take her to preschool."

Your precious mouth makes a perfect "o" shape and you suck in air with a genuine look of surprise, even though we do this every Tuesday and Thursday. "Oh! Sissy go school!"

I quickly change your diaper, and you insist on closing the diaper cream and putting it in your drawer. As I place your favorite Elmo shirt on your head, you challenge me, "I do, Mama! I do!" Together, we finish getting you dressed and head down to the kitchen. Some days you want me to carry you, and some you must walk down on your own, holding my hand and the spindles of the railing for support.

Your eyes light up at the sight of S. "Sissy!"

S is glad to see you, too, most mornings. "Hi, Baby R!"

I set you in your booster seat and you ask for "email" which is oatmeal to the rest of us. You're getting better at using your spoon successfully, but you love to tip the bowl and drink the milk. Which you don't always wait to do until the end. Inevitably there's oatmeal in your hair. It adds a lovely dimension to your bedhead.

You could not be more beautiful.

10 Years Ago Today, America Was Attacked

Today is the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attack on the United States. As people reflect on where they were that day, I thought I would copy my diary entry here. I was surprised at how long it was, and how many details I had forgotten. I tried to minimize annotations to keep it as much like the original entry as possible.

9/11/01
Today has been the most devastating day in the country in my lifetime.

I woke up to my radio alarm clock around 7:45am. I intended to go in early to work but I was tired so I lay there listening to the morning show poll people about which of them needed therapy the most. After a few minutes, they said they had just received news that there had been an explosion in one of the World Trade Center Twin Towers in New York City. At that point it was uncertain if a plane had been the cause. I listened for a few more minutes, and then they said that a plane had crashed into the other Twin Tower for certain.

I jumped up and quickly got ready for work and went downstairs and turned on the television. There was footage of the first building on fire and while everyone was watching that, a plane could be seen flying directly into the second tower, completely demolishing a large chunk of the 150ish story building. With the first one, it was possibly a fluke, but the second was obviously deliberate. It was a beautiful, sunny, clear-skied morning. The worst part was that they were both commercial airliners. My stomach turned and I couldn't eat breakfast.

I went into the office and everyone was crowded around a TV in L's (the HR person) outer office, watching the horrific footage being replayed, over and over again. I went back to my desk to try to start working and turned the radio on. All the stations were feeding from their TV affiliates. I heard that a plane had also crashed into the Pentagon and my heart jumped. I went back to the office to see the TV. It had very poor reception and was difficult to make out but you could see the billows of smoke from one side of the Pentagon. Teary-eyed, I returned to my desk to try to focus on something else, but of course that was nearly impossible. We soon found out that the planes had been passenger flights from Boston and Washington, DC that had been hijacked. Later we leraned that the terrorists had stabbed several of the staff on board before turning their kamikaze missions on to their targets. Many people made cell phone calls to loved ones from the planes. Things had sort of settled down by afternoon when we learned of another plane crash outside of Pittsburg which apparently missed its target, and another plane that had been destined for Camp David but was apparently shot down. President Bush had been in Florida and given a brief statement in the morning soon after the initial attacks and then boarded Air Force One to return to DC via an undisclosed route that wound up including Shreveport, LA and Omaha, NB.

Then the second twin tower that had been hit collapsed. Not long after it, the first one did as well.

I was supposed to have had lunch with [former co-workers] today but we cancelled due to the tragedy. [One of them] said that it looked like a banana peeling down the sides as the building disintegrated. It wasn't until later tonight that I saw the footage and had to agree.

At one point there was supposedly a car bomb outside a government building in DC and some kind of explosion betweene the Old Executive Offices and the White House, and another plane was forced to land in Cleveland full of bombs. People began to feel we were at the brink of war and panicked to fill their gas tanks and get groceries. I needed both anyway. Luckily I filled up at the station at lunch for $1.64 - $.10 more than yesterday in Martin City, but not an unusual fluctuation. Then I went to Hen House around 4pm and became nervous and stocked up on nonperishables and water. It felt like Y2K all over again only more real. By the time I got home from work, traffic was backed up from the long lines at the gas stations. In Texas gas was reportedly $5/gallon. Later I talked to my dad who said that Casey's General Store in Basehor was at $4.50/gallon and they ran out of gas.

[My roommate] had been sent home early from the Jewish Community Center [where he worked] and [his girlfriend at the time] had been in a building next to one that received a bomb threat so they were evacuated. I decided to cancel my ticket to fly to St. Louis to visit [my sister] on September 22 as the airlines were giving full refunds for all flights, so I went to Mom and Dad's for the confirmation information [I didn't have a computer at the time] and the streets were very quiet for 6:30pm on a Tuesday. The malls were closed, the Royals game cancelled, any venue for large populations anywhere in the country - including Disney World - were shut down.

I came home (unable to find the ticket info) and Mom and Dad called - they have been in Manitoba with Dad's cousin and her husband visiting Mom's family since Saturday. Mom and I talked quite a bit about the situation and Dad insisted that they come home tomorrow. I argued that they should stay there but Dad's worried about gas prices getting worse and everything else. I don't know if they can even get across the border at this point. I think it could get worse if we declare war on someone tomorrow, but it could calm down. It's hard to say, but everyone is telling people not to travel. All flights are cancelled until further notice, and all those that were in the air were diverted to other places, one of them being KC. All international flights have been deferred to Canada. I'm worried about my friends in Colorado Springs where the Air Force base is, and my friend, Tracy, who's a flight attendant for United – two of the planes that crashed were United planes.

I lived in a bubble that kept me safe from any idea of possible war; the three greatest tragedies of my lifetime were the Challenger explosion, the Gulf War and the Oklahoma [City] bombing. This was the greatest attack on America since Pearl Harbor and a much greater magnitude. In some ways it's almost seemed like a movie – we've become so desensitized to violence – but at the same time, it's so shocking and unbelievable. [My boss] and I were all trying to figure out why today, and her theory was that it's 9/11, or 9-1-1 – emergency. That was echoed by reporters on the news tonight. We don't know much at this point, however, since no one has come forward to take responsibility, and Bin Laden has denied any link at this juncture. God bless America.

#ProjectFindANewJob

First, I just want to apologize for not responding to comments this week. I'm struggling. Monday I found out that my company needed to cut my hours in half. It wasn't a complete surprise. It could have been worse; another colleague was laid off. I was feeling pretty ok about it at first. "It will be rough, but we can get through this." And then support I thought I could count on wasn't there. And then I had to tell our part-time daycare provider that we had to stop going. Which made me realize how sad the girls would be. Ironic since I've been feeling guilty about sending them to daycare! But they have friends there, and I know they will miss them.

The decrease in hours is temporary (hopefully only three months). But too long for me to wait. We have slowly depleted our reserves since last November. And every month the cost of gas and groceries goes up. The Etsy shop will help - I hope! - but I will be getting a part-time job and updating my resume tonight.

I'm sad to the point of exhaustion. I could use prayers - and leads if you've got them. :) I know it will all work out for the best. Actually I really hope we can figure out a way to make it work so I'm part-time all the time - that would be my dream. But as long as the economy continues this way, it's not going to happen.

In the meantime, I need to take a break from blogging and tweeting as often. I will have a wonderful guest post tomorrow, so be sure to stop by for that. And I'll try to at least update you once a week. Thanks for your patience!