Secrets

I apologize for the length of this entry. I have broken it up going forward, but due to the nature of the outcome of this portion of the story, I felt it necessary to contain it in this first post.

December 21, 2011

I'm not good at keeping secrets. I mean, I can keep other people's to myself, but my own secrets - those are hard for me. Especially this one. It's been wearing on me. I feel so many emotions about it, and I want to talk it through. I haven't even told DH yet. Writing is the only catharsis available to me now, so that will have to do.

I'm late. My first reaction was panic. I'm about to be laid off completely from my main job. I won't have insurance. Things are already tight financially as it is. Will DH be mad at me for letting this happen? Then I think, it takes two to tango, honey. But I still feel like an irresponsible teenager.

At the same time, I'm ecstatic. We've been discussing a third baby but had put the idea on hold because of my job situation. But I'm not getting any younger, so I'm excited that it's happened.

Which brings me to my next emotion: guilt. I feel terrible that I'm even having this inner dilemma, because I have so many friends struggling with infertility, and I should feel nothing but blessed.

And then there's the fear. Fear that something will go wrong. We're messing with fate. We have two beautiful, healthy baby girls. What if something happens with this third one? What if it is the boy DH wants, but it has a serious health problem? What if we should have just been content with our perfect foursome?

Part of me knows it's the hormones. But part of me knows it's true.

• • • • •

December 25, 2011

Last night while DH and my brother-in-law were dropping off a new couch at my parents' house that we had gotten them for a Christmas gift from Santa, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I knew it would be, but the finality of the results was still a little unnerving. I wrapped it with a note and laid it on DH's pillow.

When we finally got to bed at 2am after a flat tire on the way home from his aunt's house, getting the overnight casserole I found on Pinterest put together and doing our Santa duties, he saw it. I told him I was giving it to him then because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. He opened it and said, "I'm not sure what my reaction is either." But he was smiling. I imagine he feels the same way I do. Then he said in his fake, tough-guy voice, "It better be a boy this time." I knew everything was going to be ok.

• • • • •

December 26th, 2011

We told the girls at dinner tonight.

Me: "Girls, Mommy and Daddy have some exciting news. We're going to have another baby."

S: Groans. "Another baby?"

Me: "You don't want another baby?"

S: "No."

Baby R: (Has to follow whatever big sister does.) "No."

DH: "Would you rather have another sister or a brother?"

S: "Another sister!"

Me: "It's fun having a sister, isn't it?"

S: "Yeah!"

A few minutes later.

S: "Who's tummy is it going to come out of?"

Me: "Mommy's tummy, honey."

S: "Aw, I want it to come out of Daddy's tummy!"

DH laughs.

Me: "Well, sweetie, babies only come out of mommy tummies."

• • • • •

December 30th, 2011

I've been spotting the last couple of days. I'm debating if I should call the doctor to see if I can have my blood tests done today instead of waiting til my appointment next Friday. All the stuff I see online says it isn't unusual, so I'm going to wait for now.

• • • • •

December 31st, 2011

S wants to name the baby the same first name as her with Santa as a middle name. I told her we'd talk about it. She wanted to know when we could feel the baby kick, and I told her it wouldn't be for a few months. She asked more questions so I got out my "What to Expect" book and showed her the sketches at the beginning of the first month and second month and read the description saying that the embryo is only 1-inch long. She put her hand on my stomach and told the baby she loved it. My heart wanted to burst with love for her.

• • • • •

January 1, 2012

DH has been under the weather the last few days, so we had vacillated about what we were going to do for New Year's Eve. Yesterday afternoon, he decided he felt well enough for us to go to a party we'd been invited to, but we couldn't find anyone to watch the girls on such short notice, so I stayed home while he stopped by for a little bit. When he got home, we watched a couple of episodes of "Criminal Minds" because we're trying to clear off the DVR since we're switching our cable back to Time Warner next week. It was a super exciting evening. Especially when I started worrying about the spotting since it seemed heavier and pinker.

Today, I called the OB about it. She told me to come in first thing Tuesday to have some bloodwork done. At first, I was thinking, "Tuesday? That's two days from now. Shouldn't I go to an ER or something?" But then she eased my fears by saying that since I wasn't cramping or gushing blood, not to worry too much as 50% of pregnant women do bleed through their first trimester. She told me to take it easy - not bedrest, but no unnecessary activity. That alone seemed to help.

Last night I was up until after 1am, not because it was New Year's, but because I was worried and playing out horrific scenarios in my mind. But this morning I remembered to give it over to God, and I've had a great peace about it. Why don't I remember to do that in the first place?

• • • • •

January 4, 2012

The doctor's office called today with my test results. My progesterone was low: 7.2 (supposed to be between 9 & 47), and my HcG was also low: 5,252 (should be 7,650 - 229,000 for where I think I am in my cycle). They want to check my levels again tomorrow, but in the meantime put me on a progesterone script that seems to be helping. I'll be 8 weeks Friday when I go for my first official checkup. If I can just get through 4 more, I should be in a more stable place.

DH and I hatched a plan last night that incorporates our current situation, and if we can make it work, would be ideal. He suggested telling my boss that I don't need to go back to full-time status if I can keep my benefits the way things have been, and offering to change my hours from Monday/Wednesday/half-day-Friday to everyday from 10am-2pm. That would be better for my clients if I was there every day, and it would probably be easier on my parents to only have the girls half days (part of which corresponds with nap time). Then we talked about him taking over my part-time night job since he could probably work 15-20 hours/week in comparison to my 12, so I could focus more time on my Etsy shop.

When I dropped the girls off at my parents' house this morning, I mentioned it to my dad and he said he doesn't think they can watch the girls much longer. It's just too hard on them; they're 70. I understand, but was feeling a bit deflated.

Then I got to the office and one of my co-workers said he'd discussed the state of the company with the owner Tuesday, and the long and short of it is that if we don't get one of the projects we're trying to cultivate to come in soon, we'll be closing the doors at the end of the month. That completely knocked the wind out of my sails.

All I can do is laugh.

• • • • •

January 5, 2012

DH came home today and told me his boss let him know the owner wants to go in a different direction. DH will be let go sometime between tomorrow and three months from now. 

All I can do now? Is cry.

• • • • •

January 7, 2012

Yesterday I had my first actual OB appointment. More blood, but at least she got it on the first try instead of the third. My arms look like pin cushions after three days of blood draws! The sonogram looked like I was only 6 weeks so they want me to come back in 2 weeks to verify. Currently my due date is August 21. The nurse and I had a good laugh over the fact that when I went to my yearly in October we talked about getting me on birth control. And then I cried when she asked me if things were better at work. She gave me some more hormone samples and prenatal samples and told me to just get the cheapest script for vitamins with DHA.

Today I went to pick up my prescriptions and the cheapest prenatal was $40/month. And my insurance doesn't even cover the hormone script, so it was $300. I bought the vitamins but passed on the hormones and will call the doc on Monday to see if there's anything else I can take instead.

• • • • •

January 15, 2012

I was able to get a different prescription, but I have been spotting again. I tried to workout one day, but that made it worse. I think it would be better if I was less stressed, and working out helps that, but it didn't seem to help my uterus as much as I would have liked, so trying to take it easy.

S has suggested a new name for the baby. Bug Belle Santa. She is so funny!

I decided I love the name Amelia, but I can't bring myself to use it since it was the third most popular name last year. Sigh. Of course, if it's a boy, we won't have to worry about it. We'll see. DH likes Madeleine for a girl, but we already know several kids with that name.

• • • • •

 January 16, 2012 (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)

The spotting turned red around 1am. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.

As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band's song, "He Loves Us" ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday:

Oh, how He loves us, so
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

S came to our room around 6:30am. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to "snuggle with the baby." She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. "You would have been so loved," I thought to myself.

I dropped the girls off at my parents' house, and called the OB's office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.

As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I'd been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort. 

The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat. Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words.

She let me know my options, then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry. I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.