Lamentations of a Working Mother

Bright pink chalk handprint on the hip of my black dress pants

Photos and artwork blanket my office

Crying on the way to work after spending a long weekend together

Rushing home over lunch to have a few extra moments with the girls

Constantly recalculating the cost of living and the cost of loving


S says she wishes she was sick so I could stay home with her

At drop-off, she cries and says she wants to go home

She sees things I wouldn't let her see at home

She does things I wouldn't let her do at home

She eats things I wouldn't let her eat at home

Thankful for the care providers, knowing they are great

But nothing is as good as mom


Grabbing a banana and granola bar to eat for breakfast at the office 

Needing to workout but not willing to spend another hour away from them

Dreaming of whipping up healthy homemade organic creations

Throwing another frozen pizza/chicken nuggets in the oven for supper

Using food prep time for cuddle and play time instead


Tripping over piles of dirty clothes that spilled out of the hamper

Lamenting the dusty ceiling fan as it spins above me in bed

If only I was at home I could

Have a clean house

Have the laundry done

Have dinner on the table when DH came home at night

Have happy children


Knowing that being home wouldn't solve all those problems

Feeling guilty just the same

.

Money, Money, Money, Money...Money!

The first part of the year is always tight for us financially. We have certain bills that come due only around this time or semi-annually - health insurance for the girls, life insurance for us, car tags/property tax, car insurance, etc. It's usually just a month or two, but it seems like every paycheck this year, DH has said we can't spend money on any extras, only the essentials.

This has been frustrating, so the other day I thought about it and had a forehead-smacking, shoulda-had-a-V8 moment. After I wrecked the car and we bought a van, we knew the amount we spent on gas would go up a bit. Not to mention the car payment. But, add to that the fact that the price per gallon has gone up - significantly - and both DH and I are spending $200 more each month on that. Plus we started putting Baby R in part-time daycare in November. That's another $500/month. Yikes, people! That's $700/month we're spending on essentials.

I'm a low-maintenance gal. I haven't bought new clothes since...since...well, at least since we moved to our new house a year and a half ago. I get my haircut at Great Clips when we have a coupon. I get a massage/mani/pedi/some extravagant beautifying done once a year or less (total, not each). And though I tend to go overboard with gifts for holidays, when it comes to everyday items, I haven't bought much. Baby R has hand-me-downs from her big sis. And I haven't bought big sis, S, much since, thankfully, we have hand-me-downs from another friend. Though we are going to have to buy her a summer wardrobe because S is now in the same size as our friend's daughter.

So I may not be able to play sports this summer or scrapbook or do some other things, but at least we have our needs met. I feel very blessed that we were able to tighten our belts and make it work. I feel terrible for many others who were already struggling and are now dealing with these kinds of issues.

Update

Well, I thought I would be including my next installment of the Red Dress Club today, but unfortunately, life got in the way! :) I am going to try to keep posting a few times a week, but things may slow down here for a bit. For one thing, we're going to St. Louis this weekend to visit my sister. But that's just temporary, of course. The bigger issue is that Mom's memory problems seem to be intensifying. It's causing times of paranoia. My dad is trying hard to be patient with her, but he's worried, and he's a man, so his way to react is by being a butt head. To be fair, though, in the last few weeks Dad found out he's probably going to have to have a Pacemaker put in, he got laid off again, has been having trouble getting unemployment set up and his car died. Babysitting the kids tests his patience when things are running smoothly, but right now it's too much for him.

So we could really use some prayers right now. For my parents, mostly. Dad is really struggling to keep it together. I'm afraid he's going to have another heart attack from the stress. And for Mom because I think she's scared and worried and stressed, too. Also for our kids. They have seen Dad lose his temper a couple of times in the past week, and it's been pretty ugly. And for DH and me to figure out what to do. The girls are finally adjusted to their new schedules and care providers, and I really don't want to move them to another place, but our current provider can't take them full-time. Plus it's expensive to switch them to full-time. I'm looking for support groups for Dad to help him deal with Mom, and I'm going to see if I can adjust my hours at work some to limit the time Mom and Dad watch the girls, temporarily.


Anyway, all that to say that though I love my blog, it's going to have to take a back seat for awhile til we get things sorted out. I will probably sacrifice tweeting to stay up on it, so I will miss you all in that respect, but hope to be back soon!

My Heart Is Breaking

I hate to go back down the road to depressing posts, but my happy Friday screeched to a halt around 4pm. I was too upset to write about it before now, and I really don't want to dwell on it, but I need to put the update out there because I may not post for a bit while I resolve some things.

Our part-time daycare provider called on Friday to let me know that per her doctor's orders, she couldn't watch the kids anymore. She'd found out on Tuesday, but was too upset to talk about it until then. I had had my suspicions, but was living in denial. S LOVES her. Loves her like she loves my mom and me. It is going to break her little heart to stop seeing her during the week. Of course we will still visit, but it is going to turn her little world upside down. And of course, I'm worried about the provider and her health.

I hung up the phone and collected myself. I finished up some work, and thought about what to do next. I called my parents when I left the office to let them know and see if they could help out by watching the girls more than they usually do (they are the other half of our childcare scenario). My voice broke in the middle of the message, and I had to hang up. I cried all the way to the restaurant where I was meeting DH and the kids for dinner along with a couple we are friends with.

Since I arrived first, I had a few minutes to pull myself together. I got us a table, ordered a glass of wine, and relaxed. I was excited to see my babies, and decided to wait to talk to DH until later that night. Right after our food was brought out, my parents called. I answered and the first thing my dad said was, "You're going to need to find someone else to watch the girls for awhile." I asked him what he meant. He said my mom had tripped and fallen and sprained one arm and broken the other.

This just put me over the edge. I excused myself from the table and went outside where I started bawling. I managed to spit out words of concern for my mom through the gasped breaths and sobs, and my dad tried to talk me down. Right then DH came out to check on me. I told Dad I'd call him later and hung up. DH asked me what was wrong and I told him the condensed version. He gave me a big hug and I pulled myself together again, and went back in to finish dinner.

It kills me to not be able to be home with our kids. Finding a sitter who was willing to do part-time and who we loved was a miracle. I'm pessimistic about being able to replicate such a wonderful scenario. But I'm determined to make it happen. So I'll be taking the next week or two to juggle the kids and find someone new. Thankfully I work for a wonderful company that is being really understanding about it. So hopefully you will be, too, dear readers as I take this short leave of absence. Here's hoping my next post is filled with good results!