Depressed

I've had a lot of feelings over the past month or so with all that's gone on, but even though there were times of sadness, it passed. Until this weekend. It wasn't a huge thing, but it felt like the final straw. It's a little complicated, but to summarize, I need to spend over a thousand dollars on software to continue my Etsy shop in the vein it's currently in. Clearly, this is not an option at this juncture. I feel like every attempt I make at carving a new path is met with monolithic roadblocks.

And now, I just can't seem to get out of this funk. I feel helpless and hopeless. It didn't help that the 5-10 minutes I heard on the news tonight was about a father and young sons murder-suicide, a teen slitting a youngster's throat and a kid killed by a neglectful bus driver. (All of which reinforced the validity of my decision to stop watching the news in the first place.)

I know things could be worse. I know I should be thankful for all I have, and I am. I looked at Facebook tonight and prayed for friends who are having biopsies, and those who have lost parents to cancer, and those who have kids with devastating diseases, and I think, "Suck it up!"

And to be honest, talking it through with a dear friend tonight and blogging about it has helped. I've asked God to close doors before, though not in this area, but maybe that's what's happening now. I know the one He opens will be fuller and richer than any He closes. So I'm going to go to bed, and pray for peace about life and not worry. I'm sure this, too, shall pass.

Last Day

Today is my last day at my job. It's weird - I've been there 8 years. Longer than I've ever lived in one house. Longer than I've been a mother. Longer than I've been married. It will be quite an adjustment. Putting my trust in God. I know He will provide.

Update

I started freelance blogging and am looking into a freelance logo designing gig. We'll see how those pan out. I also started a new line of products on my Etsy shop, R.S.V.P. It's invitations and paper goods. I'm signed up to be a vendor at a luncheon expo in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will bring some traffic in. I'm also planning to partner with a couple of Etsy friends to do some cross promoting. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough hours in the day, so while I want these ventures to be successful, I'm praying for a good balance.

So Far, 2012 Sucks

I have been off the grid a bit lately. That's mostly due to the following things happening the first week of the new year:

January 3rd - I found out my company will likely be closing its doors at the end of the month.

January 4th - DH found out his slimeball boss is going to let him go sometime between now and the end of March and replace him with his assistant.

There were some other crazy things that happened that I can't go into right now. I have a long summary post that I'll publish in a few weeks. For now, suffice it to say, that I was so stressed I got a tongue ulcer. It's as gross as it sounds, but I'll wait while you Google some pictures of it. In conjunction with that, I also had some canker sores, so I literally could not eat on the right side of my mouth for about four days. Which you would think would be awesome since it's the beginning of the year and everyone is dieting, but all I could eat were foods that weren't acidic, spicy or salty, which left soft, sweet stuff.

Anyway, after an embarrassing breakdown in front of my boss at my part-time job, and an a-ma-zing sermon at church on Sunday that pretty much summed up my spiritual life right now (in a desert in my relationship with God, being put through trials for Him to be able to refine me, knowing He will carry me through to victory), I'm on the other side of last week, and in much better spirits.

I hope all of you are having a much, much better start to the new year.

Blessed

This has been a crazy week. I had a phone interview Monday, and then they asked me to come in for an in-person interview on Thursday. The position was not what I had originally built my resume for, and I needed a portfolio for it, so I spent a frantic Wednesday putting one together. I came into my office that night to print off some elements for it, and the printer was literally in pieces on the floor. Thank goodness the FedEx/Kinko's is 24 hours - I was there at midnight. I think the interview went pretty well. We'll see what happens. Trying to give it over to God and not worry about it!

I am so thankful to be the featured blogger on Studio 30 Plus this week; I wish I could have offered up a great new post already. Hopefully this weekend. As I mentioned before, please stop by my "5 W's and an H" tab for some of my favorite posts.

Another amazing happening this week is that This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff gave my Etsy shop, Jaborandi Grove, a rave review and is hosting a giveaway for a letter. And what's even better is that if you don't win the giveaway, you can get a special discount for ordering with the coupon code they listed on the review. So stop by!

#ProjectFindANewJob

First, I just want to apologize for not responding to comments this week. I'm struggling. Monday I found out that my company needed to cut my hours in half. It wasn't a complete surprise. It could have been worse; another colleague was laid off. I was feeling pretty ok about it at first. "It will be rough, but we can get through this." And then support I thought I could count on wasn't there. And then I had to tell our part-time daycare provider that we had to stop going. Which made me realize how sad the girls would be. Ironic since I've been feeling guilty about sending them to daycare! But they have friends there, and I know they will miss them.

The decrease in hours is temporary (hopefully only three months). But too long for me to wait. We have slowly depleted our reserves since last November. And every month the cost of gas and groceries goes up. The Etsy shop will help - I hope! - but I will be getting a part-time job and updating my resume tonight.

I'm sad to the point of exhaustion. I could use prayers - and leads if you've got them. :) I know it will all work out for the best. Actually I really hope we can figure out a way to make it work so I'm part-time all the time - that would be my dream. But as long as the economy continues this way, it's not going to happen.

In the meantime, I need to take a break from blogging and tweeting as often. I will have a wonderful guest post tomorrow, so be sure to stop by for that. And I'll try to at least update you once a week. Thanks for your patience!

Lamentations of a Working Mother

Bright pink chalk handprint on the hip of my black dress pants

Photos and artwork blanket my office

Crying on the way to work after spending a long weekend together

Rushing home over lunch to have a few extra moments with the girls

Constantly recalculating the cost of living and the cost of loving


S says she wishes she was sick so I could stay home with her

At drop-off, she cries and says she wants to go home

She sees things I wouldn't let her see at home

She does things I wouldn't let her do at home

She eats things I wouldn't let her eat at home

Thankful for the care providers, knowing they are great

But nothing is as good as mom


Grabbing a banana and granola bar to eat for breakfast at the office 

Needing to workout but not willing to spend another hour away from them

Dreaming of whipping up healthy homemade organic creations

Throwing another frozen pizza/chicken nuggets in the oven for supper

Using food prep time for cuddle and play time instead


Tripping over piles of dirty clothes that spilled out of the hamper

Lamenting the dusty ceiling fan as it spins above me in bed

If only I was at home I could

Have a clean house

Have the laundry done

Have dinner on the table when DH came home at night

Have happy children


Knowing that being home wouldn't solve all those problems

Feeling guilty just the same

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Invisible Woman

Sometimes I feel like I could disappear, and no one would notice.

At work this week, a colleague asked if he should make a phone call to a vendor I was having trouble with. I said no. He said he didn't mind. I explained why I didn't want him to make the call. I specifically went of my way to iterate how important it was to me for him NOT to make the call. Less than five minutes after I left his desk, he made the call.

I felt myself beginning to fade...

Last night my summer volleyball league started, the only extra-curricular activity I'm partaking in this year since we are trying to save money. I had told DH several weeks ago when the start date was. I sent him an email on Monday outlining the activities for the week for the whole family - including my volleyball date and time. Yesterday he called and asked when I would be home from work because he needed to go get the meat for a catering job he's doing this weekend. I reminded him that I would be home for a few minutes before volleyball, but then I wouldn't be back until after the girls were in bed. He said he didn't know I had volleyball that night, that I had never told him about it, and he was annoyed with me.

Fading...

This morning I was trying to get the girls ready for the day, and I asked S to put her clothes on. I handed her underwear to her while we were still in my bedroom. I finished getting dressed and got Baby R ready, and saw S still nude, lying on my bed.

Fading...

I asked her to put her underwear on again. We headed downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. She started chasing her sister around the house. I asked her to stop running. She kept going.

Fading...

I finally had to physically take hold of her to get her to stop, and again asked her to put her underwear on, handing her a dress to wear as well. I calmly told her if she didn't get dressed and sit down, she wouldn't get to have breakfast before we left. She ignored me again.

Fading...

No breakfast. She threw a tantrum, naked. I threw a tantrum.

Gone


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Tsunami

So the last week has been a figurative tsunami in my life while a literal one has been happening in Japan. Along with a nuclear leak, they are suffering so greatly right now, that my troubles can't compare in any way. But because of that, I haven't been able to post.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. I left the house for my parents' just like we do every Thursday morning, but preschool is on spring break so S was there for the whole day. She's such a sweet, wonderful girl. But she's become so defiant and sassy over the last week or so. She refuses to mind me. I've tried everything - time-out, taking away privileges, giving rewards, positive reinforcement, spanking, Love & Logic. Nothing seems to work. She usually takes a blanket and pillow with her to daycare/my parents' house. Yesterday morning I asked her to bring them downstairs. She wouldn't. So I grabbed them (because not doing so would have been more punishment for my parents than for her) and we left. 

We got to my parents' house, and she said she wanted a different blanket. I told her I was sorry, but I didn't know that. If she had gotten the blankets like I'd asked, we would have brought the right one. She wanted me to go home and get it. I refused. She threw a huge fit. I had to stay an extra 15 min to try to get her calmed down before I left. Then she started up again when I was leaving. She was trying to stall me, so I just left. She had an even bigger fit and my dad called 30 min later to tell me I had to come get them because neither of them would stop screaming.

I was so frustrated. I got there and I told S to get in the car. I was short with them and then my mom told me I need to get my priorities straight because the girls need me. I know they do, but I have to work. I want nothing more than to stay home with them, but I can't. I don't know what to do. And the worst part is, I was arguing with my parents in front of the girls and we were all crying. That's the last thing I needed them to see. So we went home, and I felt like S thinks she can just be awful to my parents, and I'll come get her.

I spent most of the day yesterday crying. I am not the mom I want to be. I feel like I struggle with that enough on my own, but to know that my mom thinks I'm not doing it well was tough to take. But she's right to a certain extent. I have had to work "late" the last couple of weeks (ie, on time, since I'd been leaving early the last few months while we were slow), so when I get home at night, I feed them, bathe them and throw them in bed. It's a chore, it's not a joy, and we don't have fun.

After talking with some friends yesterday, I think it's partially a phase, and partially they are acting out because I'm not spending any "quality" time with them. I do need to slow down in the evenings and enjoy them.

All that to say that that's an even greater reason I am falling behind with blogging, and especially with my creative writing. For now.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I often lament how much I wish I could be a full-time SAHM. There are lots of reasons why. I was blessed to have a mom who was able to stay home with us until we were in middle school. She took care of me when I was sick, taught me how to read before I started kindergarten (I didn't attend preschool), encouraged my imagination, redirected my energy into positive channels. I really feel like kids should be able to sleep in in the summer, play outside all day, and have the freedom to experience boredom.

That said, the decisions I've made in certain areas have required that I work full-time. I've made peace with that, for the most part, even though my feelings about it haven't changed. I have friends who say they could never stay home with their kids all day; it would make them crazy. I could never understand that. I get that you need a break. I get that you need adult interaction from time to time, and I can see how maybe a part-time job, mother's day out or volunteering would be something I'd want to be involved in if I was a SAHM. But if I were to prefer to spend 40 hours a week away from my kids, I would have to seriously wonder why I bothered to have them?

Weekends are difficult because I need to do things like laundry, shopping and cleaning, but I just want to spend time with my kids. I have let a lot of things slide around the house and tried not to feel too badly about it. For the most part, it's ok. I still have mom guilt, but my SAHM friends tell me that they have it, too - it seems to just a part of being a mom no matter what your full-time job is. It's impossible to cram a week's worth of "quality time" into a weekend though, so there are inevitable pitfalls such as overscheduling or frustration when plans don't go well or days when the kids are just whiny. It's never the perfect bonding time you hope for, but that's ok - that's real life.

But today, today was just awful. Today, for the first time, I thought maybe it's good that I'm not a SAHM; I just didn't feel like I was cut out for it. I was tired; S wet the bed in the middle of the night, so I was up with her for that, and then R woke up at 6am and wouldn't go back to bed for me; thankfully DH got up with her and got her a snack, but S heard the commotion, so I had to get her back to sleep again, too. Me being sleepy isn't all that unusual (if you'll notice, the subject with the third greatest number of labels on my blog is "sleeping"). But I was also incredibly cranky - I'm sure part of it is PMS, and part of it is PCC (Pre-Christmas Chaos). I actually made it to church today, so I would have thought I'd be in a really good mood (that's usually the effect it has on me). But S was pushing my buttons from the start - even in church.

It was like that at the grocery store, too. And when we got home for lunch. Every thing I told her, she did the opposite or ignored. I just didn't have the patience for it today. And I let my temper get the best of me 3 or 4 times. I had hoped to take a nap when the girls did and have the energy to do all I needed to do this afternoon, as well as be in a better mood. But S wouldn't nap. Nor would she do as I ask and play quietly in her room. So I did not sleep.

We had playdate dinner plans. I considered not going; DH also suggested I just skip it. But I thought maybe if I got us out of the house and around other people, I could shake off this funk. Plus, if the kids ran around and wore each other out, bedtime might be easier. Unfortunately, it was worse. S was too tired, and we were late getting home. So it was a nightmare. S threw a tantrum and woke Baby R up. I couldn't get her back to sleep. DH finally had better luck. I was so angry. I knew I was being unreasonable; S was just tired and needed extra TLC, but I couldn't give it to her. All I could think all day was maybe it's better that I'm not with them all day during the week. Awful!

So I'm heading to bed feeling spent and guilty and unproductive. Here's hoping to a better tomorrow.

I'm In Charge!

Pardon me - this is an unusually long post.

I'm feeling really stressed out. I had a great time in St. Louis over the weekend visiting my sister, but our house is a disaster area, and not having a weekend to work on it meant it was even worse when I got back. Though DH was AMAZING and had the exterminator come, cleaned the carpets, put the safety locks on the cabinets and did a load of dishes and tidied a bit for me. But I need to clean, like spring clean. BADLY.

We've been in our new house for a little over a year, and since we had a newborn last spring, I didn't do any deep cleaning. (I was mucho sleep deprived, and a little busy.) And this house is twice the square footage of our old house, so it's not like I could just knock it out in a weekend. I'm guessing I'll need about 4 uninterrupted workdays to get everything I want to get done, done.

My allergies have been terrible because I don't think I've dusted the dressers or bookshelves in our bedroom in at least 6 months. I haven't put out Halloween decorations yet - I LOVE decorating for the holidays - because I need to clean before I can decorate, and I just don't have the time/energy. (Deducting more and more Martha Points as I write this.) I can't stand having a dirty house. But everyone tells me not to worry about it - time with the kids is more important. I couldn't agree more. And I've been pretty good about not letting it get to me, as long as I can keep the kitchen clean. But the dirt in the rest of the house has accumulated to the point that I watch the ceiling fan in our bedroom spin and fear chunks of dust will fly off and suffocate me as I sleep.

Not to mention that the kids clothes need to be switched out for sizes/seasons. I need to buy new clothes because I'm gaining weight instead of losing it (BIG sad face). We are having a family picture taken with my in-laws on Thursday, and my MIL is trying to coordinate our outfits, and all I can think is, I don't care what we wear as long as my big butt is behind everyone else.

And she's worried about it being perfect, and I asked DH to remind her that we have two small children. Our family photos with just the four of us have never turned out with one that was perfect. Close, but not quite. The last time we actually have one with all 4 of us smiling, but it was at the very end when I had just pulled my hair back into a ponytail so I could jump around like a crazy person to get the girls to smile for their shots, and then we decided to try one more group one (seriously?) so even though we are all smiling, I look less than put together.

Plus, a week ago, I sprained my ankle at softball. Seriously sprained. I mentioned it in passing in this post. It was worse than a standard sprain because it's from an old injury. (Funny story. Not to self - share it later.) Anyway, though I was icing it every night and wearing an ACE bandage all the time, I was limping. This caused my back to get out of whack. By Thursday, I didn't need the ACE bandage anymore, but I was having a hard time picking up the girls.

It didn't help that I slept on the couch in St. Louis so I could be in the same room as Baby R. And sat in the car for 4 hours straight on the way there. And 5.5 on the way back. (UGH! SO much easier when they slept the whole way there!) So like a ding-dong, I played softball again Sunday (double header), since you know, there's no back twisting when you're, I don't know - BATTING! Or THROWING! So by last night, I could barely move without being in pain.

Of course, there's always the office. I used to really like my job and the people I work with and for the sake of decorum, suffice it to say that there are two people who now frustrate me and test my patience on a daily basis. Today one of them insinuated that the work I was doing was less important than the work she was doing. I came this close to firing off a retort, but didn't. I bite my tongue so much I feel like it is going to get sliced right off. She's a bull in a China shop and tries to boss everyone around. Literally every single person in the office feels that way. So frustrating.

Then my afternoon came to a nice head when my other favorite work person called me about a project and wanted to know why I hadn't proceeded with the changes she had requested. I reminded her that she had just copied me on the email asking the buyer if the changes were needed, but never gave me the directive to make the changes. Then she brought to my attention that the item name she had typed in the email wasn't entirely accurate. Oh, and the requested changes also applied to the six items she had attached to the email. None of which were listed in the subject line or body of the email. Which doesn't really matter since she refuses to reply to the original email I send her anyway. Sigh.

I also feel as though I've taken on more than I can chew at this point. I signed up for us to be a Nielsen family. I thought we were going to be reviewing TV shows. My sister did it, and I know what it entails. But it turns out we were chosen to do their shopping surveys. I was excited about it at first. They send you a UPC scanner, you enter your shopping receipt information and upload it once a week. Piece of cake! Except when your husband forgets to keep the receipt, or you don't get a chance to scan everything the same day you buy it and the packaging with the UPCs get thrown away, etc. So I've been feeling behind the 8 ball the last couple of weeks trying to get it done, and I've cut too many corners. I don't like doing a job and not doing it well, so I decided today that I need to tell them I just can't do it right now.

And I've kind of blown off my blog and blogging goals. Boo. One of the things I love, but I usually let go first.

One of the biggest things that is bothering me is my parents' health. My mom's memory is getting worse. I'm still in denial. But my dad is doing a diabetes study in the middle of November so we are going to juggle child care so that my mom doesn't have to take care of the girls by herself. But that means 8 straight days of being alone. There's no way she can do that and not completely lose it. So I'm putting together a schedule of sorts to make sure she's got company every 2 hours.

It's hard because my sister is in St. Louis, and since she travels for work, she won't be able to come to KC that week. And my parents don't really have a lot of friends who are nearby and/or mobile anymore. Thankfully my half-sister is here and incredibly wonderful and willing to help out. But I already know it's going to wear on me - and DH. And in the back of my mind, I can't help thinking about when my dad is gone, and what that is going to mean for my mom.

And this temporary daycare situation with S is about to put me over the edge. She has picked up SOOO many bad habits. She threw her worst tantrum ever a couple of weeks ago - like a scene from a movie, shoving all the papers, books and toys off the coffee table. Last night as we were snuggling before bedtime, all of a sudden she looked at me and shook her little finger in my face and yelled, "I'M IN CHARGE! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY!"

I was so startled, I just looked at her, giving it a minute to sink in and figure out what was going on. I was trying to decide if she was replaying something that had happened at daycare, or if she was playing with her imaginary friends and bossing them around, or actually talking to me. She ranted on and on throwing in an "I'm very upset!" and a "I just don't know what to do" (which, ahem, is all me), but most of the rest of it I had no idea what she was talking about. Something about having to take care of me? I finally realized, she was really telling me that she was in charge... of... me. Ummmm, N-O. I firmly told her, "No, Daddy and I are in charge." "NO YOU'RE NOT! I AM!"

I honestly don't remember how the rest of the conversation went. I got so angry. I do know that I yelled and argued much more than someone who is truly in charge should have. It was the straw that broke the camel's back that was already in so much pain.

The upside is that I was so pissed off, I cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, two loads of laundry and tidied the living room instead of going to bed early (or even on time). And I still had energy left over for Julia's push-up challenge. Enough to do all 20 in one set for the first time. (Check out the FitLink widget log on the sidebar!) So if I check the stress balance, it should have gone down a bit. How come it doesn't feel like it?

Mom Guilt

I could hear Yoda yesterday, "Strong is the mom guilt with you."

I would love to stay home with our girls, but it's not in the cards. I cried a lot when I first went back to work, and then it was every couple of months. After we moved to our new house last year, I knew staying home was no longer even a remote possibility, so I've only had a few bad days. Yesterday was one of them.

We've been blessed to have my parents as the girls' secondary care providers for the most part. Our eldest daughter has been going to an in-home daycare provider a few days a week for the last year and a half. She is a wonderful, grandmotherly woman who adores the 3 kids she watches part-time. She is having surgery this Wednesday and will need to recuperate for a month. Enter mom guilt.

In the interim, we had discussed having my parents watch S full-time, but they already watch Baby R 40 hours a week, and throwing S in the mix that much is too exhausting for them. So we were going to see if my FIL could watch her a bit and juggle some scheduling (mom guilt creeps in a little further), but then our provider suggested a daycare with a Montessori approach down the street whose owners she's friends with.

I was intrigued. I'd been wanting to put S in Montessori preschool, we just couldn't afford a typical one. The daycare costs the same as our other provider and was willing to take her for a temporary time with the possibility of switching to permanent if needed after this month. So yesterday was S's first day there.

They are nice enough, I guess, and there are about 10 kids S's age with 4 adults, but it's definitely more of a center than a home. She's old enough for that now, but it's just not the same kind of environment. S is not a fan of change. She's become fussier and clingier in the last week. I can't blame her. I'm not a fan of change either; who is? But some kids are really all about their schedule, and she is one of them. I know I can't keep her schedule the same forever, and I want to teach her how to deal with change in a healthy way, but I also don't want to unnecessarily create situations where she feels unstable. And the mom guilt has a firm toehold.

So yesterday, as I waved goodbye to her as I drove away, her little face in the window showing signs of apprehension, mom guilt won; for the first time in a long time, I cried on the way to work. I worried for her. I worried if I'd made the right decision, and if she was going to be safe and have fun and learn. I worried that she would be worried. I worried that she would not be able to nap. I worried that since there were so many kids, they would already have friendships and not make room for her.

I used to think it was just because I worked that I had mom guilt, but my SAHM friends tell me they have mom guilt, too, so I've decided it's just part of the job. More so for those of us who have unrealistic expectations. I try to keep them in check, but that's just part of my personality. I left work early so I could be the one to pick her up (Daddy usually does). I got there...and she was fine. And I let out a big sigh of relief, a breath I'd been holding all day without realizing it. The mom guilt subsided - for now.

Fashionista

I can't believe it's been a week since my last post. I had to go to San Francisco for a couple of days for a business meeting. It went really well; so well in fact that we almost missed our flight! Thankfully we didn't, but on the approach to Kansas City, there was a storm, so we circled the airport for an hour or so, then were diverted to Wichita to refuel and wait for the go ahead to return. To sum up, I got to bed at 3am Tuesday night. Oy. Clearly I was exhausted, which is why I decided to postpone the next installment of Grand"mom"ments until next week.

Because the meeting in San Francisco was with our biggest client, I wanted to get a new outfit. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I pretty much still wear my maternity clothes. I gained all my baby weight back after I went back to work, and I just don't want to buy clothes in my current size. I want to lose weight. Because of that, I look less than wonderful on a daily basis. So I had intended to bite the bullet and go shopping. Then at an internal meeting last Wednesday, our boss told us he wanted all of us who were attending the meeting in SF to look and feel confident, so we should all get new outfits. That put a little stress on my shopping experience. Suddenly I felt all this pressure to get the "right" outfit.

A little background on my "style". I don't have any. I'm very low-maintenance. I've never been into designer clothes. I never read fashion magazines (except for the relationship quizzes and celebrity dish). My sister is the polar opposite. She used her allowance to buy Guess jeans and Swatch watches. She is currently employed by Michael Kors. (If you are on my level of fashion, ie Old Navy, you may not be familiar with him. He is one of the judges on "Project Runway".)

So of course the first thing I did was call my sister for advice on what to wear and where to buy it. One of the many times I've wished we lived in the same city. We looked at some things online, and she suggested Anne Taylor Loft. I had a friend go with me the next day. I ended up getting an ensemble from New York and Co that encompassed some of the elements my sister and I had discussed. The photo montage of the items is in this post. (I'm having issues with inserting photos, so I know it's in a random spot.) Anyway, I chickened out and didn't wear the belt. I just felt like an impostor - a mom in her mid-30's trying to look like one of the cool kids. Maybe I'll wear it for a different event, but I didn't want to go into the meeting looking like an idiot.

The last thing my sister told me was I needed to get new shoes, too. I told her I had some strappy black sandals I was planning to wear. She asked me when I bought them. Ahem, uh, for her wedding (8 years ago). You MUST buy new shoes. Black wedges. Sounded easy enough. Ha! I went to EIGHT stores in search of them. They were either the wrong size, the wrong height or the wrong color. I found some really cute Jessica Simpson ones, but the peeptoe was shaped so that the edge of the hole was against my cuticle and it hurt to walk in them. I finally gave up and wore my old shoes. Which was fine except that running through the airport in 3" heels to catch our flight is NOT something I'm accustomed to. Heck, I don't even know the last time I wore heels of any kind, much less those monsters.

But, as I said, the meeting went well, and now I have at least one nice outfit to wear.