Ladies and gentlemen! Start your engines!
Oh, no wait. Sorry - wrong event.
Ladies and gentlemen! I am pleased to present to you the first-ever guest post on Midwest "Mom"ments. I apologize for the delay - I know I said it would be Tuesday, but frankly, well, I lied. Lesson learned; I will not be overly specific about such things in the future.
My friends, the witty and always entertaining, KLZ from Taming Insanity.
When I heard that Jenn was going to be guest posting on my site about her top ten most embarrassing moments, I thought, "I can top them." Now, I know Jenn mostly as a sweet lady I know from the Internet. But I suppose it's possible that she makes an ass of herself as frequently as I do. I'm not sure... she might be able to win at this but... my whole life is kind of a bad sitcom.
But then I freaked out.
Because I had a problem. I could not remember ten embarrassing moments. Which is embarrassing in and of itself.
Apparently, when you make a jerk of yourself as frequently as I do, the moments kind of blur together.
So, without further ado, I present to you KLZ's list of embarrassing stuff.
1) My inner nerd is loathe to admit this but: I cannot spell the word embarrassing correctly. It's a real problem when I'm trying to convey my feelings - especially since embarrassed is a thing I feel frequently. Please excuse the typos in this post.
2) I have hit parked cars on 3 separate occasions. (Occassions is another word I can't spell.) That pales in comparison to when I ran my step mother-in-law's car into her garage. On my first wedding anniversary. Although I still maintain it was her fault, it led to an awkward morning.
3) After running my step mother-in-law's car into her garage and sobbing all morning, I celebrated my first anniversary by drinking heavily. I felt this would up my "Fun" quotient from sobbing mess to happily devoted wife. When I stumbled down some stairs, I realized I'd calculated that fun quotient incorrectly.
I'm honestly surprised my husband stuck around after that fun-filled first anniversary.
4) I played water polo in high school. I once had to pull myself out of the game because I'd broken my ankle. The awful part is I broke this ankle when I jumped into the pool, and plummeted through ten feet of water to slam into the bottom of the pool. No one would believe this had happened because it was that ridiculous. In fact, my coach was so mad at me for not playing that she refused to get me ice. Begging for ice for an appendage you hurt in a freak accident is... embarrassing.
5) When I was pregnant I was talking to my husband and took one small step to the side. At which point I involuntarily farted. I was as surprised as he was.
6) In high school I was also on the diving team. I'm not sure why because it's a well documented fact that I'm klutzy. At one point I was bouncing on the board (which is a normal warm up move) and my knees buckled under me. I fell onto my butt on a fiber glass board. My suit ripped as did the skin on my tush. My male coach has to spend 15 minutes cleaning the blood off my butt as well as my butt blood of the board.
Admittedly he was a lot more patient with this than when I stopped paying attention and walked off the side of the board.
Understandably, my parents feared diving season starting. They were always worried that DCFS would show up on our doorstep as I looked like the poster child for abuse.
I was pretty much just worried about saving my butt.
7) While getting ready for a dance at my date's house, my father instructed me not to let the car break down on the side of the road, conveniently leading to necking. Not wanting my father to think I had a nefarious hook up strategy I shouted for all to hear "Don't worry, I've got gas!"
A sentence which made my father's worries a moot point.
At the moment, that's all I can recall. Seven not-so-lucky moments.
Although I'm sure the return to the playground, as a mom this time, will lead me to many more moments to add to this list.
Hopefully they won't involve my rear end.