Tsunami

So the last week has been a figurative tsunami in my life while a literal one has been happening in Japan. Along with a nuclear leak, they are suffering so greatly right now, that my troubles can't compare in any way. But because of that, I haven't been able to post.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. I left the house for my parents' just like we do every Thursday morning, but preschool is on spring break so S was there for the whole day. She's such a sweet, wonderful girl. But she's become so defiant and sassy over the last week or so. She refuses to mind me. I've tried everything - time-out, taking away privileges, giving rewards, positive reinforcement, spanking, Love & Logic. Nothing seems to work. She usually takes a blanket and pillow with her to daycare/my parents' house. Yesterday morning I asked her to bring them downstairs. She wouldn't. So I grabbed them (because not doing so would have been more punishment for my parents than for her) and we left. 

We got to my parents' house, and she said she wanted a different blanket. I told her I was sorry, but I didn't know that. If she had gotten the blankets like I'd asked, we would have brought the right one. She wanted me to go home and get it. I refused. She threw a huge fit. I had to stay an extra 15 min to try to get her calmed down before I left. Then she started up again when I was leaving. She was trying to stall me, so I just left. She had an even bigger fit and my dad called 30 min later to tell me I had to come get them because neither of them would stop screaming.

I was so frustrated. I got there and I told S to get in the car. I was short with them and then my mom told me I need to get my priorities straight because the girls need me. I know they do, but I have to work. I want nothing more than to stay home with them, but I can't. I don't know what to do. And the worst part is, I was arguing with my parents in front of the girls and we were all crying. That's the last thing I needed them to see. So we went home, and I felt like S thinks she can just be awful to my parents, and I'll come get her.

I spent most of the day yesterday crying. I am not the mom I want to be. I feel like I struggle with that enough on my own, but to know that my mom thinks I'm not doing it well was tough to take. But she's right to a certain extent. I have had to work "late" the last couple of weeks (ie, on time, since I'd been leaving early the last few months while we were slow), so when I get home at night, I feed them, bathe them and throw them in bed. It's a chore, it's not a joy, and we don't have fun.

After talking with some friends yesterday, I think it's partially a phase, and partially they are acting out because I'm not spending any "quality" time with them. I do need to slow down in the evenings and enjoy them.

All that to say that that's an even greater reason I am falling behind with blogging, and especially with my creative writing. For now.