Food Update and Newlywed Struggles

Since I had my epiphany regarding my need to have an open and honest discussion with myself regarding my relationship to food, I can definitely see a difference in how I approach eating. The first couple of days, I didn't even want to eat except when I was ready for a meal, and one other time for a snack. That's unusual for me. I generally have a frequent internal dialogue that involves me wanting junk food, then rationalizing why I should have it, occasionally deterred by my conscience who says I don't need it. I also felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Admittedly, now that it's been a couple of weeks, I have found that the dialogue is back, but I'm more aware of it. I feel like it's not controlling me anymore, I'm controlling it. For now.

When I had this moment of clarity, I was reminded of a time in my spiritual life when I had turned my back on God. I could sense his presence, as though he were sitting in a chair in the corner of my room, patiently waiting for me to talk to Him. But I kept putting Him off. The wall between us from my transgressions kept building for quite some time. Once I made my return to Him, it was a huge relief, and while I haven't maintained our relationship like I should, I haven't let it get to that point again, and hope I never do. It's a lonely, stressful place trying to hide from someone who's omniscient. :) I feel like this food issue did a similar thing to me. Though it wasn't all-seeing, it was omnipresent, and I couldn't shake it. Like a bad itch you can't reach to scratch. Now I have access to it, and can face it head on. And hopefully won't let it become a monkey on my back again.

I've mentioned in a couple of posts that being a newlywed was tough for me and that I would expound on that, so here it is. There were times the first 6 months I was married that I literally considered looking into an annulment. The worst part is, you feel like you can't say anything to anyone when you're going through it because you don't want to fail so you don't have the support you really need - someone telling you it's normal to a certain extent. I felt so guilty for being a "bad wife". I think part of it was because I moved into his house, so I didn't feel like it was our home, I felt like an outsider. Plus our house was so tiny - if you stood in the hallway, you could see into all 5 rooms of the house - so DH went from living alone to feeling like I was ALWAYS there. Which I was, but usually there's a little bit of space in a home for personal alone time, and we just didn't have that. Plus I had this image in my head what kind of wife I wanted to be. My mom is an amazing wife and mother, and I tried to emulate her, and kept failing miserably. Now that we're adults, we found out that my mom was miserable the first year she was married, too. I'm sure she was thinking, what did I do? I hardly know this guy (they met on New Year's Eve and got married Apr 15th), and I moved to a different country 1000 miles away from home, and have a step-daughter who hates me. I cannot imagine!

I also had expectations of what I thought DH would be like based on how my parents worked together, and it was frustrating that he didn't take care of things I expected him to (even though I knew that was unfair). A major problem that I resolved around the six month mark was learning about the five love languages. I grew up in a home where we were hugged and told we were loved every single day, usually more than once. DH is not like that. When we were dating, I knew he wasn't a cuddly person, but I thought he'd at least tell me he loved me once a week (without prompting). It's just not his love language. Once I learned about that, it made it so much easier. Another frustration for me was that everyone talked about this great honeymoon phase, but we had known each other for 11 years when we got married. We were past the honeymoon phase before we were even home from the honeymoon! :) I felt like we were sort of robbed of that exciting new time, and jumped straight into the tough stuff. In retrospect, that's a great thing, because by the time we'd finished living together that first year, it was as if we were three or four years into the timing of most new marriages.

Three main things helped me go from feeling like this was never going to work, to we might actually make it. First was learning the differences in our love languages. Second was deciding to treat each chore as if I was single and there was no one else who could do it for me so I didn't expect any help which made all the help I got seem like a blessing. Third was focusing on his positive traits. I made a list so I could refer to it when I would get frustrated. Once we got through those first six months, though, I've never looked back. Sign after sign has reiterated to me that this is exactly who I'm supposed to be with and hanging in there was definitely the right decision.