Yesterday was my first unemployed day. It felt like a long weekend. Or maybe a day I decided to call in sick because I was slightly under-the-weather (because I was) and wanted to spend more time with the girls. I intended to put myself on a strict schedule immediately so that I wouldn't be a slacker, but since I had a sinus headache that felt like my brain had swelled beyond the capacity of my skull, I decided to take it easy on myself and just do what had to be done.
One of those had-to-be-done things was finish an order for Jaborandi Grove, these letters for my friend Katie over at Sluiter Nation for her newest addition who is due in a few weeks. Another of those things was to bake cookies for S to take to preschool tomorrow because yesterday was her half-birthday.
I always wanted kids with summer birthdays because I was jealous of my friends who had them since I have a December birthday. But the downside is that they don't get to do any birthday stuff at school. So I have to remember her half-birthday. Which really is almost impossible since I stopped counting her age in months - she's 54 months today!
S decided she wanted to make sugar cookies with the Easter cookie cutters that I bought on clearance after the holiday last year. So we have little baby chicks, eggs, churches and bunnies that have been doused in sprinkles of all kinds by eager toddler and preschooler hands.
Today will probably be another play-it-by-ear day as I'm still not feeling well - this warmer weather is fun, but it's wreaking havoc on my allergies - but I'm not going to feel guilty about it yet.
Photo courtesy of R. Peters Photography, http://www.rebeccapetersblog.com/
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Movie Review: Albert Nobbs
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| Image from the IMDb link below. |
In case you haven't heard, there's a new site around that measures your influence. It's called Swaylo. They let me know that I have sway (you heard me!), and I got free passes to a screening of "Albert Nobbs" starring Glenn Close.
To be perfectly honest, I had never heard of this film. Granted the last movie I saw in the theater was "Cars 2" in July. (This is due to several factors including being a mom to 4- and 2-year-olds and being married to a man who worked at a theater as a teen and went for free all the time so he refuses to pay the $12 for a ticket.) I got to bring a friend with me, and when we got to the theater, they let me know that since I was with Swaylo, I had a seat in the roped off section of the best seats with my name on it. I felt pretty special. Particularly since, as I mentioned before, I hadn't seen a movie in six months.
I didn't watch the trailer or anything, so all I had to go by was the poster image shown above.
I'm quoting IMDb's synopsis because it's succinct, and I couldn't have said it better myself:
Glenn Close plays a woman passing as a man in order to work and survive in 19th century Ireland. Some thirty years after donning men's clothing, she finds herself trapped in a prison of her own making.
Glenn does an excellent job portraying her character; the details with which she executes her mannerisms to appear masculine are amazing. The makeup artists also did a fantastic job. The supporting actors were good, too. The plot was... meh. An interesting concept, and I liked the setting of Dublin in the 1800's, but it was a bit slow. The end had a nice touch with connecting things back together. I think Glenn's performance was well done, but I'm glad I got to see the film for free.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Last Day
Today is my last day at my job. It's weird - I've been there 8 years. Longer than I've ever lived in one house. Longer than I've been a mother. Longer than I've been married. It will be quite an adjustment. Putting my trust in God. I know He will provide.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
It isn't Christmas until we watch a cheesy holiday rom com on TV
Guest post written by Kathleen Powers
One of the best parts of the holidays to me is watching all of the really cheesy romantic movies on TV. There is definitely a different breed between the ones that come out in theaters and then the ones that are on TV. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think that the holidays with all the excitement and happiness is the perfect time to take advantage of that and watch some bad movies without feeling bad about it.
Normally I don't really like romantic comedies during other times of the year. Maybe it's the bright Christmas lights or all of the joyful music. But either way, those movies work their magic on me. While I was online looking up some ideas for cheesy movies to DVR, I ran across some info on miracle ear and after that I decided to go and get fitted with some hearing aids.
I was glad that I did because I've found so many great cheesy movies to record on my DVR so far. The thing is, I'm kind of worried about having the time to watch all of these. But I've still got a good amount of time for that.
One of the best parts of the holidays to me is watching all of the really cheesy romantic movies on TV. There is definitely a different breed between the ones that come out in theaters and then the ones that are on TV. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think that the holidays with all the excitement and happiness is the perfect time to take advantage of that and watch some bad movies without feeling bad about it.
Normally I don't really like romantic comedies during other times of the year. Maybe it's the bright Christmas lights or all of the joyful music. But either way, those movies work their magic on me. While I was online looking up some ideas for cheesy movies to DVR, I ran across some info on miracle ear and after that I decided to go and get fitted with some hearing aids.
I was glad that I did because I've found so many great cheesy movies to record on my DVR so far. The thing is, I'm kind of worried about having the time to watch all of these. But I've still got a good amount of time for that.
Final Notes
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| Flowers from my Sis and BIL |
This is the final entry of a 4 part story. For part 1, please click here. For part 2, please click here. For part 3, please click here.
January 21, 2012
Considering the stories I had been told, it seemed to me that the bleeding was never much more than a regular period. Until today. Which I thought was odd since it's been several days since it happened.
I was visiting my friend who was in that horrible air show accident in Reno last summer. She's doing really well. She's been working from home but will be going back to her office next week. Her prosthesis should be ready in the next couple of weeks.
Anyway, while I was sitting there chatting, I felt a surge of blood. It soaked through my pad, and I could feel it spreading across my jeans within a couple of minutes. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, got cleaned up, and thankfully, stopped bleeding.
When I got home I decided to call the doctor. He told me that it's normal after the medication I took on Wednesday to have a gush. If usually happens between two hours after to a few days after. I felt much better. Well, mentally anyway. Physically, I was wiped out. I finally told the girls I just needed to rest for a little bit on the couch. Then I started having pains, so DH got some hydrocodone for me, and I ended up staying there for the rest of the day. I felt better after dinner though.
It seemed fairly simple - not that I want to do it again, but it wasn't as physically painful as I had imagined. Granted, I also knew it was coming so had pretty strong drugs to help me through it, not to mention supportive family and friends, and God's peace surrounding me when I needed it most.
It's amazing to me how different people and things were put in my path in this time. The opportunity to meet with my friend - she's been through the most horrific thing imaginable, and still has an incredibly positive outlook. She's been back in KC for a couple of months, but the date we had set to meet was today. I had no idea last week when we planned it that between making our plans and actually meeting up I would go through this. Seeing her today couldn't have been at a better time.
Also incredible is that I just finished reading the book "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. I had never heard of this book, even though it is 40 years old. My best friend told me about it at Christmastime. I tried to check it out from the library before New Year's, but there was a waiting list. It wasn't available for me to start reading until - you guessed it - a few days before my miscarriage. It's about a woman who was in the Nazi concentration camps for hiding Jews and was able to give thanks for everything in spite of the unimaginable atrocities she endured. So inspiring.
And so I am trying to give thanks for everything - "even the fleas" as Corrie and her sister did. I know God has a plan, and everything will work out. Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Miscarriage
This is the third of a 4 part story. For part 1, please click here. For part 2, please click here.
January 18, 2012
Yesterday, I decided to go to my regular night job shift a little early since my FIL was taking the girls to the airport to drop off my SIL who has been visiting the last few days. I spoke to my boss and let him know what was going on and that I may not show up to work one night for obvious reasons. I left there and stopped by my office because I needed to print off some personal emails, but couldn't access them because my account had been hacked earlier in the day. I thought I had fixed it by resetting the password but Hotmail locked me out anyway. Frustrated, I headed back home to meet friends to carpool to bunko.
One of them, SJK, knows what's going on. I had called her last night to tell her while I was downing half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food that DH was kind enough to run to the store for. (I'm a comfort eater.)
Anyway, we carpooled with two other ladies, so I didn't get to talk to her about it much. But I was so grateful she was with me because around 8pm, I started cramping. At 8:30pm, I had to run to the bathroom. I was bleeding pretty heavily, and I heard a loud "plop" - it was starting. I kept it together surprisingly well, though when I came back out to the kitchen, I couldn't look at SJK, because I knew she would be able to tell from looking at my face, and I would break down. I asked her if she had any ibuprofen, and swallowed four quickly.
We had just finished a round and were debating starting another one, so I begged off. We had dessert and wrapped things up, heading out into the bitter cold.
When we got back to my house and the others had gone, I told SJK what she had already surmised. She hugged me and wished me well. I headed in to the house.
I let DH know. He asked if there was anything he could do for me, but there wasn't yet. I couldn't find our heating pad like the OB had suggested, but I did find a lavender wrap we have that can be warmed in the microwave. I got into bed, and prepared myself for a few hours of pain and sadness.
Oddly enough, they didn't come. I was uncomfortable, but not curled in a ball moaning. And though I bled, it was more like a regular period than the gushing I'd been expecting. I finally fell asleep.
This morning, I woke up and felt like there was still unfinished business. I wasn't sure what to do. Call the doctor? Wait and see if anything more happened this morning once I was up and moving? Go to work?
In the end I decided to go to work mostly because I needed to tell my boss what was going on and meet a friend for lunch.
Lunch ended and still nothing more had happened. I called the doctor, and they said to come right in. I let DH know and was sure they would have to do a DNC to finish the job that Mother Nature had started.
The nurse did a sonogram to verify, and it all looked clear. Since I felt weird, though, to be positive everything was completely cleaned out, she sent me home with a med to do the job and hydrocondone for the pain that would go with it.
I waited to we got the girls in bed, then took the pain meds before placing the prescription under my tongue. She had said it would take about 30 minutes to dissolve and get started, so I watched "Modern Family" to keep my mind in a semi-vegetative state, distracted from the process my body was going through.
The lavender wrap and hydrocodone helped, but it was severe enough that I got out my iPad for multi-tasking distraction. DH rubbed my lower back while we watched "CSI," and that helped, too.
At 10pm, I took 3 ibuprofen as directed to overlap the hydrocodone doses and help with the interim. But even though I set an alarm for a second dose of the heavy stuff at midnight, I was afraid of falling asleep and missing it and being in too much pain to get it back under control. So I started writing today's entry. And wouldn't you know it, the alarm just sounded. Time to take my meds, read my Bible and pray, and to try to sleep.
January 18, 2012
Yesterday, I decided to go to my regular night job shift a little early since my FIL was taking the girls to the airport to drop off my SIL who has been visiting the last few days. I spoke to my boss and let him know what was going on and that I may not show up to work one night for obvious reasons. I left there and stopped by my office because I needed to print off some personal emails, but couldn't access them because my account had been hacked earlier in the day. I thought I had fixed it by resetting the password but Hotmail locked me out anyway. Frustrated, I headed back home to meet friends to carpool to bunko.
One of them, SJK, knows what's going on. I had called her last night to tell her while I was downing half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food that DH was kind enough to run to the store for. (I'm a comfort eater.)
Anyway, we carpooled with two other ladies, so I didn't get to talk to her about it much. But I was so grateful she was with me because around 8pm, I started cramping. At 8:30pm, I had to run to the bathroom. I was bleeding pretty heavily, and I heard a loud "plop" - it was starting. I kept it together surprisingly well, though when I came back out to the kitchen, I couldn't look at SJK, because I knew she would be able to tell from looking at my face, and I would break down. I asked her if she had any ibuprofen, and swallowed four quickly.
We had just finished a round and were debating starting another one, so I begged off. We had dessert and wrapped things up, heading out into the bitter cold.
When we got back to my house and the others had gone, I told SJK what she had already surmised. She hugged me and wished me well. I headed in to the house.
I let DH know. He asked if there was anything he could do for me, but there wasn't yet. I couldn't find our heating pad like the OB had suggested, but I did find a lavender wrap we have that can be warmed in the microwave. I got into bed, and prepared myself for a few hours of pain and sadness.
Oddly enough, they didn't come. I was uncomfortable, but not curled in a ball moaning. And though I bled, it was more like a regular period than the gushing I'd been expecting. I finally fell asleep.
This morning, I woke up and felt like there was still unfinished business. I wasn't sure what to do. Call the doctor? Wait and see if anything more happened this morning once I was up and moving? Go to work?
In the end I decided to go to work mostly because I needed to tell my boss what was going on and meet a friend for lunch.
Lunch ended and still nothing more had happened. I called the doctor, and they said to come right in. I let DH know and was sure they would have to do a DNC to finish the job that Mother Nature had started.
The nurse did a sonogram to verify, and it all looked clear. Since I felt weird, though, to be positive everything was completely cleaned out, she sent me home with a med to do the job and hydrocondone for the pain that would go with it.
I waited to we got the girls in bed, then took the pain meds before placing the prescription under my tongue. She had said it would take about 30 minutes to dissolve and get started, so I watched "Modern Family" to keep my mind in a semi-vegetative state, distracted from the process my body was going through.
The lavender wrap and hydrocodone helped, but it was severe enough that I got out my iPad for multi-tasking distraction. DH rubbed my lower back while we watched "CSI," and that helped, too.
At 10pm, I took 3 ibuprofen as directed to overlap the hydrocodone doses and help with the interim. But even though I set an alarm for a second dose of the heavy stuff at midnight, I was afraid of falling asleep and missing it and being in too much pain to get it back under control. So I started writing today's entry. And wouldn't you know it, the alarm just sounded. Time to take my meds, read my Bible and pray, and to try to sleep.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Telling the Girls
This is the second of a 4 part story. For part 1, please click here.
When I called DH from the doctor's office, I knew he would be in his morning meeting. I left him a message and told him I'd be home around 10am, and to call me as soon as he could. He called around 10:15am and was already in the car on his way home. I have never been so thankful for him.
When he got home, I filled him in on the details. He choked up when he asked if they could tell if it was a boy or a girl. I told him it was too soon to tell. He asked if there was anything we could have done differently. I told him no, and even though I know it's true, I had briefly thought, except maybe if I hadn't worked out Saturday, or if I hadn't let myself get so stressed. But part of me had wondered last week if we were trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. The OB had even said that sometimes when our hormone levels are low, it's just our body needing a little help. But sometimes they are low because our body is trying to resolve something that's not going to work on its own.
DH and I sat on the couch, holding hands and leaning on each other. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him cry. I was a little surprised that he had gotten so attached so quickly. And so, so very thankful that I wasn't going through this alone.
I had texted a friend who has been through this - a couple of times, unfortunately - to ask her what she had told her girls as they had been around the same age as ours with her last loss. She called me as soon as she had a break at school. It was wonderful to hear her voice and advice. She told me it would suck for a long time. Then it would get better. Then August would come and DH wouldn't understand why I was upset. I would tell him because it was the baby's due date, and he wouldn't get it. And I told her that's when I'd call her. Though, after how emotional he was today, I might be surprised by him again when that time comes.
He went to pick up the girls at lunchtime. By then I was able to be calm. While we were eating, I told them we had some sad news. We weren't going to have a baby after all. S asked why. I told her that it just wasn't the right time. I was prepared for her to be upset, but I should have known she would just want to know more. She asked me where the baby was, how it got out, couldn't it just stay there and start growing again when it was ready, etc. Thankfully, she wasn't as upset as I had feared. She's definitely disappointed, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.
After lunch we all napped. When S got up, she wanted to play with the neighbor boy, P. DH took her outside and chatted with P's parents while they were on the swing set while I stayed in and waited for Baby R to wake up. Apparently, S told P that we weren't going to have a baby anymore. He said, "What happened to Baby R?" Leave it to kids to bring the funny to a seemingly humorless situation.
When I called DH from the doctor's office, I knew he would be in his morning meeting. I left him a message and told him I'd be home around 10am, and to call me as soon as he could. He called around 10:15am and was already in the car on his way home. I have never been so thankful for him.
When he got home, I filled him in on the details. He choked up when he asked if they could tell if it was a boy or a girl. I told him it was too soon to tell. He asked if there was anything we could have done differently. I told him no, and even though I know it's true, I had briefly thought, except maybe if I hadn't worked out Saturday, or if I hadn't let myself get so stressed. But part of me had wondered last week if we were trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. The OB had even said that sometimes when our hormone levels are low, it's just our body needing a little help. But sometimes they are low because our body is trying to resolve something that's not going to work on its own.
DH and I sat on the couch, holding hands and leaning on each other. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him cry. I was a little surprised that he had gotten so attached so quickly. And so, so very thankful that I wasn't going through this alone.
I had texted a friend who has been through this - a couple of times, unfortunately - to ask her what she had told her girls as they had been around the same age as ours with her last loss. She called me as soon as she had a break at school. It was wonderful to hear her voice and advice. She told me it would suck for a long time. Then it would get better. Then August would come and DH wouldn't understand why I was upset. I would tell him because it was the baby's due date, and he wouldn't get it. And I told her that's when I'd call her. Though, after how emotional he was today, I might be surprised by him again when that time comes.
He went to pick up the girls at lunchtime. By then I was able to be calm. While we were eating, I told them we had some sad news. We weren't going to have a baby after all. S asked why. I told her that it just wasn't the right time. I was prepared for her to be upset, but I should have known she would just want to know more. She asked me where the baby was, how it got out, couldn't it just stay there and start growing again when it was ready, etc. Thankfully, she wasn't as upset as I had feared. She's definitely disappointed, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.
After lunch we all napped. When S got up, she wanted to play with the neighbor boy, P. DH took her outside and chatted with P's parents while they were on the swing set while I stayed in and waited for Baby R to wake up. Apparently, S told P that we weren't going to have a baby anymore. He said, "What happened to Baby R?" Leave it to kids to bring the funny to a seemingly humorless situation.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Secrets
I apologize for the length of this entry. I have broken it up going forward, but due to the nature of the outcome of this portion of the story, I felt it necessary to contain it in this first post.
December 21, 2011
I'm not good at keeping secrets. I mean, I can keep other people's to myself, but my own secrets - those are hard for me. Especially this one. It's been wearing on me. I feel so many emotions about it, and I want to talk it through. I haven't even told DH yet. Writing is the only catharsis available to me now, so that will have to do.
I'm late. My first reaction was panic. I'm about to be laid off completely from my main job. I won't have insurance. Things are already tight financially as it is. Will DH be mad at me for letting this happen? Then I think, it takes two to tango, honey. But I still feel like an irresponsible teenager.
At the same time, I'm ecstatic. We've been discussing a third baby but had put the idea on hold because of my job situation. But I'm not getting any younger, so I'm excited that it's happened.
Which brings me to my next emotion: guilt. I feel terrible that I'm even having this inner dilemma, because I have so many friends struggling with infertility, and I should feel nothing but blessed.
And then there's the fear. Fear that something will go wrong. We're messing with fate. We have two beautiful, healthy baby girls. What if something happens with this third one? What if it is the boy DH wants, but it has a serious health problem? What if we should have just been content with our perfect foursome?
Part of me knows it's the hormones. But part of me knows it's true.
• • • • •
December 25, 2011
Last night while DH and my brother-in-law were dropping off a new couch at my parents' house that we had gotten them for a Christmas gift from Santa, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I knew it would be, but the finality of the results was still a little unnerving. I wrapped it with a note and laid it on DH's pillow.
When we finally got to bed at 2am after a flat tire on the way home from his aunt's house, getting the overnight casserole I found on Pinterest put together and doing our Santa duties, he saw it. I told him I was giving it to him then because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. He opened it and said, "I'm not sure what my reaction is either." But he was smiling. I imagine he feels the same way I do. Then he said in his fake, tough-guy voice, "It better be a boy this time." I knew everything was going to be ok.
• • • • •
December 26th, 2011
We told the girls at dinner tonight.
Me: "Girls, Mommy and Daddy have some exciting news. We're going to have another baby."
S: Groans. "Another baby?"
Me: "You don't want another baby?"
S: "No."
Baby R: (Has to follow whatever big sister does.) "No."
DH: "Would you rather have another sister or a brother?"
S: "Another sister!"
Me: "It's fun having a sister, isn't it?"
S: "Yeah!"
A few minutes later.
S: "Who's tummy is it going to come out of?"
Me: "Mommy's tummy, honey."
S: "Aw, I want it to come out of Daddy's tummy!"
DH laughs.
Me: "Well, sweetie, babies only come out of mommy tummies."
• • • • •
December 30th, 2011
I've been spotting the last couple of days. I'm debating if I should call the doctor to see if I can have my blood tests done today instead of waiting til my appointment next Friday. All the stuff I see online says it isn't unusual, so I'm going to wait for now.
• • • • •
December 31st, 2011
S wants to name the baby the same first name as her with Santa as a middle name. I told her we'd talk about it. She wanted to know when we could feel the baby kick, and I told her it wouldn't be for a few months. She asked more questions so I got out my "What to Expect" book and showed her the sketches at the beginning of the first month and second month and read the description saying that the embryo is only 1-inch long. She put her hand on my stomach and told the baby she loved it. My heart wanted to burst with love for her.
• • • • •
January 1, 2012
DH has been under the weather the last few days, so we had vacillated about what we were going to do for New Year's Eve. Yesterday afternoon, he decided he felt well enough for us to go to a party we'd been invited to, but we couldn't find anyone to watch the girls on such short notice, so I stayed home while he stopped by for a little bit. When he got home, we watched a couple of episodes of "Criminal Minds" because we're trying to clear off the DVR since we're switching our cable back to Time Warner next week. It was a super exciting evening. Especially when I started worrying about the spotting since it seemed heavier and pinker.
Today, I called the OB about it. She told me to come in first thing Tuesday to have some bloodwork done. At first, I was thinking, "Tuesday? That's two days from now. Shouldn't I go to an ER or something?" But then she eased my fears by saying that since I wasn't cramping or gushing blood, not to worry too much as 50% of pregnant women do bleed through their first trimester. She told me to take it easy - not bedrest, but no unnecessary activity. That alone seemed to help.
Last night I was up until after 1am, not because it was New Year's, but because I was worried and playing out horrific scenarios in my mind. But this morning I remembered to give it over to God, and I've had a great peace about it. Why don't I remember to do that in the first place?
• • • • •
January 4, 2012
The doctor's office called today with my test results. My progesterone was low: 7.2 (supposed to be between 9 & 47), and my HcG was also low: 5,252 (should be 7,650 - 229,000 for where I think I am in my cycle). They want to check my levels again tomorrow, but in the meantime put me on a progesterone script that seems to be helping. I'll be 8 weeks Friday when I go for my first official checkup. If I can just get through 4 more, I should be in a more stable place.
DH and I hatched a plan last night that incorporates our current situation, and if we can make it work, would be ideal. He suggested telling my boss that I don't need to go back to full-time status if I can keep my benefits the way things have been, and offering to change my hours from Monday/Wednesday/half-day-Friday to everyday from 10am-2pm. That would be better for my clients if I was there every day, and it would probably be easier on my parents to only have the girls half days (part of which corresponds with nap time). Then we talked about him taking over my part-time night job since he could probably work 15-20 hours/week in comparison to my 12, so I could focus more time on my Etsy shop.
When I dropped the girls off at my parents' house this morning, I mentioned it to my dad and he said he doesn't think they can watch the girls much longer. It's just too hard on them; they're 70. I understand, but was feeling a bit deflated.
Then I got to the office and one of my co-workers said he'd discussed the state of the company with the owner Tuesday, and the long and short of it is that if we don't get one of the projects we're trying to cultivate to come in soon, we'll be closing the doors at the end of the month. That completely knocked the wind out of my sails.
All I can do is laugh.
Yesterday I had my first actual OB appointment. More blood, but at least she got it on the first try instead of the third. My arms look like pin cushions after three days of blood draws! The sonogram looked like I was only 6 weeks so they want me to come back in 2 weeks to verify. Currently my due date is August 21. The nurse and I had a good laugh over the fact that when I went to my yearly in October we talked about getting me on birth control. And then I cried when she asked me if things were better at work. She gave me some more hormone samples and prenatal samples and told me to just get the cheapest script for vitamins with DHA.
Today I went to pick up my prescriptions and the cheapest prenatal was $40/month. And my insurance doesn't even cover the hormone script, so it was $300. I bought the vitamins but passed on the hormones and will call the doc on Monday to see if there's anything else I can take instead.
• • • • •
January 15, 2012
I was able to get a different prescription, but I have been spotting again. I tried to workout one day, but that made it worse. I think it would be better if I was less stressed, and working out helps that, but it didn't seem to help my uterus as much as I would have liked, so trying to take it easy.
S has suggested a new name for the baby. Bug Belle Santa. She is so funny!
I decided I love the name Amelia, but I can't bring myself to use it since it was the third most popular name last year. Sigh. Of course, if it's a boy, we won't have to worry about it. We'll see. DH likes Madeleine for a girl, but we already know several kids with that name.
• • • • •
January 16, 2012 (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)
The spotting turned red around 1am. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.
As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band's song, "He Loves Us" ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday:
Oh, how He loves us, so
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
S came to our room around 6:30am. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to "snuggle with the baby." She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. "You would have been so loved," I thought to myself.
I dropped the girls off at my parents' house, and called the OB's office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.
As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I'd been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort.
The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat. Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words.
She let me know my options, then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry. I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.
December 21, 2011
I'm not good at keeping secrets. I mean, I can keep other people's to myself, but my own secrets - those are hard for me. Especially this one. It's been wearing on me. I feel so many emotions about it, and I want to talk it through. I haven't even told DH yet. Writing is the only catharsis available to me now, so that will have to do.
I'm late. My first reaction was panic. I'm about to be laid off completely from my main job. I won't have insurance. Things are already tight financially as it is. Will DH be mad at me for letting this happen? Then I think, it takes two to tango, honey. But I still feel like an irresponsible teenager.
At the same time, I'm ecstatic. We've been discussing a third baby but had put the idea on hold because of my job situation. But I'm not getting any younger, so I'm excited that it's happened.
Which brings me to my next emotion: guilt. I feel terrible that I'm even having this inner dilemma, because I have so many friends struggling with infertility, and I should feel nothing but blessed.
And then there's the fear. Fear that something will go wrong. We're messing with fate. We have two beautiful, healthy baby girls. What if something happens with this third one? What if it is the boy DH wants, but it has a serious health problem? What if we should have just been content with our perfect foursome?
Part of me knows it's the hormones. But part of me knows it's true.
• • • • •
December 25, 2011
Last night while DH and my brother-in-law were dropping off a new couch at my parents' house that we had gotten them for a Christmas gift from Santa, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I knew it would be, but the finality of the results was still a little unnerving. I wrapped it with a note and laid it on DH's pillow.
When we finally got to bed at 2am after a flat tire on the way home from his aunt's house, getting the overnight casserole I found on Pinterest put together and doing our Santa duties, he saw it. I told him I was giving it to him then because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. He opened it and said, "I'm not sure what my reaction is either." But he was smiling. I imagine he feels the same way I do. Then he said in his fake, tough-guy voice, "It better be a boy this time." I knew everything was going to be ok.
• • • • •
December 26th, 2011
We told the girls at dinner tonight.
Me: "Girls, Mommy and Daddy have some exciting news. We're going to have another baby."
S: Groans. "Another baby?"
Me: "You don't want another baby?"
S: "No."
Baby R: (Has to follow whatever big sister does.) "No."
DH: "Would you rather have another sister or a brother?"
S: "Another sister!"
Me: "It's fun having a sister, isn't it?"
S: "Yeah!"
A few minutes later.
S: "Who's tummy is it going to come out of?"
Me: "Mommy's tummy, honey."
S: "Aw, I want it to come out of Daddy's tummy!"
DH laughs.
Me: "Well, sweetie, babies only come out of mommy tummies."
• • • • •
December 30th, 2011
I've been spotting the last couple of days. I'm debating if I should call the doctor to see if I can have my blood tests done today instead of waiting til my appointment next Friday. All the stuff I see online says it isn't unusual, so I'm going to wait for now.
• • • • •
December 31st, 2011
S wants to name the baby the same first name as her with Santa as a middle name. I told her we'd talk about it. She wanted to know when we could feel the baby kick, and I told her it wouldn't be for a few months. She asked more questions so I got out my "What to Expect" book and showed her the sketches at the beginning of the first month and second month and read the description saying that the embryo is only 1-inch long. She put her hand on my stomach and told the baby she loved it. My heart wanted to burst with love for her.
• • • • •
January 1, 2012
DH has been under the weather the last few days, so we had vacillated about what we were going to do for New Year's Eve. Yesterday afternoon, he decided he felt well enough for us to go to a party we'd been invited to, but we couldn't find anyone to watch the girls on such short notice, so I stayed home while he stopped by for a little bit. When he got home, we watched a couple of episodes of "Criminal Minds" because we're trying to clear off the DVR since we're switching our cable back to Time Warner next week. It was a super exciting evening. Especially when I started worrying about the spotting since it seemed heavier and pinker.
Today, I called the OB about it. She told me to come in first thing Tuesday to have some bloodwork done. At first, I was thinking, "Tuesday? That's two days from now. Shouldn't I go to an ER or something?" But then she eased my fears by saying that since I wasn't cramping or gushing blood, not to worry too much as 50% of pregnant women do bleed through their first trimester. She told me to take it easy - not bedrest, but no unnecessary activity. That alone seemed to help.
Last night I was up until after 1am, not because it was New Year's, but because I was worried and playing out horrific scenarios in my mind. But this morning I remembered to give it over to God, and I've had a great peace about it. Why don't I remember to do that in the first place?
• • • • •
January 4, 2012
The doctor's office called today with my test results. My progesterone was low: 7.2 (supposed to be between 9 & 47), and my HcG was also low: 5,252 (should be 7,650 - 229,000 for where I think I am in my cycle). They want to check my levels again tomorrow, but in the meantime put me on a progesterone script that seems to be helping. I'll be 8 weeks Friday when I go for my first official checkup. If I can just get through 4 more, I should be in a more stable place.
DH and I hatched a plan last night that incorporates our current situation, and if we can make it work, would be ideal. He suggested telling my boss that I don't need to go back to full-time status if I can keep my benefits the way things have been, and offering to change my hours from Monday/Wednesday/half-day-Friday to everyday from 10am-2pm. That would be better for my clients if I was there every day, and it would probably be easier on my parents to only have the girls half days (part of which corresponds with nap time). Then we talked about him taking over my part-time night job since he could probably work 15-20 hours/week in comparison to my 12, so I could focus more time on my Etsy shop.
When I dropped the girls off at my parents' house this morning, I mentioned it to my dad and he said he doesn't think they can watch the girls much longer. It's just too hard on them; they're 70. I understand, but was feeling a bit deflated.
Then I got to the office and one of my co-workers said he'd discussed the state of the company with the owner Tuesday, and the long and short of it is that if we don't get one of the projects we're trying to cultivate to come in soon, we'll be closing the doors at the end of the month. That completely knocked the wind out of my sails.
All I can do is laugh.
• • • • •
January 5, 2012
DH came home today and told me his boss let him know the owner wants to go in a different direction. DH will be let go sometime between tomorrow and three months from now.
All I can do now? Is cry.
• • • • •
January 7, 2012
• • • • •
January 7, 2012
Yesterday I had my first actual OB appointment. More blood, but at least she got it on the first try instead of the third. My arms look like pin cushions after three days of blood draws! The sonogram looked like I was only 6 weeks so they want me to come back in 2 weeks to verify. Currently my due date is August 21. The nurse and I had a good laugh over the fact that when I went to my yearly in October we talked about getting me on birth control. And then I cried when she asked me if things were better at work. She gave me some more hormone samples and prenatal samples and told me to just get the cheapest script for vitamins with DHA.
Today I went to pick up my prescriptions and the cheapest prenatal was $40/month. And my insurance doesn't even cover the hormone script, so it was $300. I bought the vitamins but passed on the hormones and will call the doc on Monday to see if there's anything else I can take instead.
• • • • •
January 15, 2012
I was able to get a different prescription, but I have been spotting again. I tried to workout one day, but that made it worse. I think it would be better if I was less stressed, and working out helps that, but it didn't seem to help my uterus as much as I would have liked, so trying to take it easy.
S has suggested a new name for the baby. Bug Belle Santa. She is so funny!
I decided I love the name Amelia, but I can't bring myself to use it since it was the third most popular name last year. Sigh. Of course, if it's a boy, we won't have to worry about it. We'll see. DH likes Madeleine for a girl, but we already know several kids with that name.
• • • • •
January 16, 2012 (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)
The spotting turned red around 1am. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.
As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band's song, "He Loves Us" ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday:
Oh, how He loves us, so
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
S came to our room around 6:30am. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to "snuggle with the baby." She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. "You would have been so loved," I thought to myself.
I dropped the girls off at my parents' house, and called the OB's office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.
As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I'd been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort.
The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat. Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words.
She let me know my options, then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry. I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Food!
I've been on a homemade food kick again. Partly because I know it's healthier, partly because I thought it would be cheaper. Sadly, the awesome waffles I made today turned out to be much more expensive than the box of Eggo's DH brought home from Costco tonight. I finally made those homemade granola bars, but no one liked them but me, so that doesn't really help. And the homemade bread is de-lish to everyone, but even with my new slicing guide I got for Christmas, it's a little bulky for sandwiches, especially for the girls since they rarely eat half a sandwich each anyway. So it's somewhat impractical to make the bread. I made a smoothie yesterday (see the image above) which was pretty good. Would have been better with a little chocolate syrup, but yes, I realize that eliminates the healthy part of it!
Until our recent job situation, I always felt like it was worth the extra money to make the food from scratch because it doesn't have all the preservatives, I know exactly what's in it, etc. But we are getting to a serious money crunch, and when it comes to deciding if we should make homemade waffles or buy the Eggo's, I'm truly at a point where I feel like we have to go with the Eggo's. Part of me thinks it's not a big deal, it's only temporary. We'll all survive if we don't eat the absolute best things for a year. (I realize all the examples I gave are not the healthiest choices, too.) Trying to focus on the positive. Thankful that we have the option to eat whatever we want, and not whatever is available, or worse, nothing at all.
Linking up with Elaine for Miss-Elaine-ous Monday!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Update
I started freelance blogging and am looking into a freelance logo designing gig. We'll see how those pan out. I also started a new line of products on my Etsy shop, R.S.V.P. It's invitations and paper goods. I'm signed up to be a vendor at a luncheon expo in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will bring some traffic in. I'm also planning to partner with a couple of Etsy friends to do some cross promoting. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough hours in the day, so while I want these ventures to be successful, I'm praying for a good balance.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So Far, 2012 Sucks
I have been off the grid a bit lately. That's mostly due to the following things happening the first week of the new year:
January 3rd - I found out my company will likely be closing its doors at the end of the month.
January 4th - DH found out his slimeball boss is going to let him go sometime between now and the end of March and replace him with his assistant.
There were some other crazy things that happened that I can't go into right now. I have a long summary post that I'll publish in a few weeks. For now, suffice it to say, that I was so stressed I got a tongue ulcer. It's as gross as it sounds, but I'll wait while you Google some pictures of it. In conjunction with that, I also had some canker sores, so I literally could not eat on the right side of my mouth for about four days. Which you would think would be awesome since it's the beginning of the year and everyone is dieting, but all I could eat were foods that weren't acidic, spicy or salty, which left soft, sweet stuff.
Anyway, after an embarrassing breakdown in front of my boss at my part-time job, and an a-ma-zing sermon at church on Sunday that pretty much summed up my spiritual life right now (in a desert in my relationship with God, being put through trials for Him to be able to refine me, knowing He will carry me through to victory), I'm on the other side of last week, and in much better spirits.
I hope all of you are having a much, much better start to the new year.
January 3rd - I found out my company will likely be closing its doors at the end of the month.
January 4th - DH found out his slimeball boss is going to let him go sometime between now and the end of March and replace him with his assistant.
There were some other crazy things that happened that I can't go into right now. I have a long summary post that I'll publish in a few weeks. For now, suffice it to say, that I was so stressed I got a tongue ulcer. It's as gross as it sounds, but I'll wait while you Google some pictures of it. In conjunction with that, I also had some canker sores, so I literally could not eat on the right side of my mouth for about four days. Which you would think would be awesome since it's the beginning of the year and everyone is dieting, but all I could eat were foods that weren't acidic, spicy or salty, which left soft, sweet stuff.
Anyway, after an embarrassing breakdown in front of my boss at my part-time job, and an a-ma-zing sermon at church on Sunday that pretty much summed up my spiritual life right now (in a desert in my relationship with God, being put through trials for Him to be able to refine me, knowing He will carry me through to victory), I'm on the other side of last week, and in much better spirits.
I hope all of you are having a much, much better start to the new year.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Baby Bullets: 6th Edition
- If you watch Storage Wars, there's a guy, Dave, who irritates the crap out of us. He's known for yelling "Yeeeeeep!" when he wants to bid. The girls have adopted that cry. It was funny at first. Now it's becoming irritating.
- Baby R has started saying "The end!" when she wants something and won't give up on it. Like the other day, I told her to leave a toy at my parents' house, and she said, "No, I'm taking it home. The end!"
- We went outside for a bit last week since it wasn't too cold and the sun was out. The girls wanted me to push them on the swings. Baby R asked for a hot dog. I asked "You mean an underdog?"
- Unfortunately, S had her first tumble off a swing landing on her head. Scared me to death, but she was ok.
- S was talking to me animatedly, then paused and said, "Hold on, Mom. Let me rephrase that." Oh, my little mini-me!
- On our way to drop the girls off at my in-laws before work last week, we drove past a construction site that was all muddy. S said, "Ugh! I don't like mud. It gets all over my shoes." Baby R piped in, "Ew, mud! Blech! That's disgusting." Perfectly enunciated. At two-years-old. Love that kid!
- In that same vein, I went upstairs to get my sweatshirt, and she didn't want me to. I asked her why not, and she said, "Because... because... it's impossible!" and crossed her pudgy little arms over her chest. I couldn't help but giggle.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
My Favorite Thing About a New Year - At Work
I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions. They never stick. Check out my post from last year, and you'll see what I mean. I did accomplish a few of my goals though: I did find a new church home, I did set up a new email account, I did take the girls to St. Louis on the train, and I've been better about the desk in the kitchen (not sure DH would entirely agree, though!).
That said, I do love the idea of a fresh start. What's better than a brand new notebook with sharpened pencils that still have their original eraser in its pristine condition?
In that vein, my favorite thing about a new year at work is that I clean out my email. I always start out the year so well! You can tell, because everything through about March is filed. Then it happens. I'm out sick, or we start a huge project or something makes me slip. It starts to spiral out of control. Pretty soon, I give up. I file the easy stuff, but anything that requires thought/effort/memory gets left in the Inbox. Things slow down a bit, and I try to be retroactive, but I never quite catch up.
I left on 2011 with 776 messages in my Inbox and 2,406 in my Outbox. (Ouch! I'm so much worse about filing sent ones.) But once the calendar flips to January, I move everything into folders. Last year's are called "Inbox 2011" and "Outbox 2011."
I love having an empty Inbox and Outbox. So what if I just did the equivalent of hiding everything in the closet? I feel better now. And I will continue to feel good about it. Until March.
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