Sunday, February 26, 2012

I Love You Just the Way You Are

For those of you who keep up with my blog, you know that this year has been pretty craptastic. I was laid off, had a miscarriage, found out that DH will be laid off soon as well, and my mom's short-term memory loss and dementia have expanded to include paranoia. Not to mention that my parents won't be able to watch the girls part-time anymore once I do find a job, so our daycare costs will double, and even though I followed all the rules, it took a month to get my first unemployment check. Oh, and we just found out that we're only getting half as much back on our taxes as we thought, partially due to the fact that the accountant from my old job (who I've done an AMAZING job of refraining from slamming on the web, if I do say so myself) screwed up my withholdings. And did I mention that she also wrote down on the paperwork that cancelled my insurance that I was laid off in January of 2011 instead of 2012? That's been lots of fun to work out, too.

With each new blow, it truly felt as though I was being kicked when I was down. I've done a pretty good job of staying optimistic, but the last week or so it's been more difficult. So when Elena asked me to participate in the 6 month anniversary of Things I Like About Me, I was tempted to beg off and leave her with the aforementioned reasons. But honestly, Just. Be. Enough is much more important than my little (temporarily) pitiful part of the universe. And what could be more of a morale boost than making myself take the time to focus on the positive by developing another list of things I like about me? So here goes...

  1. I have a much more solid faith than I thought I did. I truly don't know how I could have gotten through the last two months without knowing that God always has my back.
  2. I'm made of much stronger stuff than I thought I was. I'm a wimp when it comes to needles and blood and a bit melodramatic at times. But after two C-sections and this years' events, I'm still standing tall. Perhaps even resplendent.
  3. I have a deep drive to be and do better - at everything I attempt. Maybe it's the strong work-ethic my parents instilled in me. Maybe it's being a mom. I just know that I've been fumbling a bit trying to find my niche as a stay-at-home-mom, and I realized it's because I know it's temporary. I so desperately want to take advantage of the minutes I have left with my girls, but I also want to fulfill my role as full-time housewife as well, and I need to focus on job searching and trying to make a few bucks on the side where I can. I've spread myself too thin, and I'm frustrated. But the source of the frustration is a positive character trait - the desire to do well. I just need to do less multitasking. (A popular trend that seems simple enough, but as many will attest to is easier said than done.)
This list is shorter than the one I wrote last summer, but for this time in my life, it means just as much. I'm blessed beyond measure with an incredible husband who has been my rock through this tough time, incredible family and friends who have brought me to tears with their kindness and generosity, and an online community whose virtual hugs have sustained me more than I would have thought possible.

To be part of a project like this, to be able to go through all I've been through, and still have our four-year-old tell me this at bedtime tonight: "Mama? I love you just the way you are." That, my friends, IS enough.
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